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Question
Posted by: Denise | 2012/03/13

Husband''s behaviour

Hi,

We have been married 9 yrs now. Initially I often initiated sex. My hubby was very conservative &  always went on about there being a time for it - only when you were in bed &  lights switched off. We would be alone in our flat over weekends and he would be annoyed with me if I initiated it. I started feeling really awful, and his rejection of me made me feel as if I was doing something bad.

So I slowly lost interest. But now he feels I don''t even care about sex &  says I dont touch him. Thing is I was so put off that I don''t even enjoy being kissed anymore. I immediately start thinking of what he will think of me. I just cant initiate sex anymore. It doesn''t feel right.

But besides this, he isn''t a sensitive lover. Sex is all about his pleasure. Foreplay is very limited, or doesn''t happen at all. He wants oral sex, but has never ever given it. Once he has an orgasm, he will just lie on top of me, not even caring to bring me to orgasm. Actually I have not had a proper one with him in 9 yrs. He will then roll off me &  go to wash up.

And sex is not something you discuss with him. I once bought a book and I thought if he is uncomfortable talking about it, then he could read it when he wants to, and I told him we could go through it together. I have no idea where the book is. It might be thrown out or hidden somewhere.

How do I deal with this? I may not be a beauty, but I have not been short of attention. I have had someone pursue me, a great guy &  very good looking, for the past 2 yrs &  made it clear that I will not have an affair. So surely I can''t be offensive.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It is important that you don't allow your husband's more conservative ways to affect how you feel about yourself and that you internalise them and then feel that there is something wrong with your behaviour. You have said that it is difficult to discuss sex with him but he has mentioned that he feels that you don't touch him anymore. It would be good to be able to explain how you feel and that you are left feeling unsatisfied by his actions. It would important to mention how it takes longer for a women to become aroused and to reach orgasm and that you require more time and effective stimulation. Perhaps you could guide him to areas which you find to be most stimulating. It may be that you require more help within your realtionship to deal with this issue. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Piet | 2012/03/15

I have th eopposite. I alwys dd it with my wife and see felt like your husband about sex. Also bought the book, she never read t. Also met someone who was gorgous, and decide not to have a affair. Now there is nothing from her side. She is really cold and dry, does not even get wet always. Please help

Reply to Piet
Posted by: sexologist | 2012/03/15

It is important that you don't allow your husband's more conservative ways to affect how you feel about yourself and that you internalise them and then feel that there is something wrong with your behaviour. You have said that it is difficult to discuss sex with him but he has mentioned that he feels that you don't touch him anymore. It would be good to be able to explain how you feel and that you are left feeling unsatisfied by his actions. It would important to mention how it takes longer for a women to become aroused and to reach orgasm and that you require more time and effective stimulation. Perhaps you could guide him to areas which you find to be most stimulating. It may be that you require more help within your realtionship to deal with this issue. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to sexologist
Posted by: Jesse | 2012/03/14

Oh honey, u wasting your sweet time. There are thousands of guys out there who would die to bonk you.......... unless you''re fat and ugly. Then i''ll take your husbands side. Best of luck :-)

Reply to Jesse

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