Posted by: Desperate wife! | 2009-03-06

Husbands anger!

I dont know what to do anymore!I`married for 5.5 years,we have 2 kiddies.Before we got marries i discovered something about my husband that nearly killed me,but we worked it out and got married.He`s mom and dad got devorced when he was about 6 years old,he is now 35!I know he was not happy about this(hes dad cheated on his mom).Who would be!Anyway 3 mnths after our boy of 3.5 years was born i rediscovered his secret of before the marriage again.He opended up to me the firts time really,and said that he is really trying very hard to get over doing what he`s doing.Since i`ve known him i knew that he can be angry at stuff sometimes,but since he was playing rugby at the time,he got rid of his anger that why.Anyway i`m starting to have a problem with his anger.I got over he`s secret life about a year and a half ago,but now this is starting to have an effect on our marriage.He gets angry very quickly,like when we drive somewhere, someone in front of him always irratates him.If we are having a discussion about something,he suddenly gets angry and worked up,and says that hes trying to make something clear to me and i just dont understand,or i dont understand him or something.I like having or hearing a lot of detail about stuff,so i ask questions!But he sees it in a whole different light.He workes overseas the last year or so,and when he books a flight online,and the flight are full,he gets so worked up,swears and slams his mouse on the table.And so on and so on.I personally think hes got some unresolved past anger about hes childhood.He`s mom is also a problem for him,she tottaly leans on him for support,and we have to help financially aswell.He`s an only child.He gets angry and worked up in front up the children about everything,and i try to stop him to go further,but hes like a steamtrain.Stopps evensually,but by then the harm is done.He says the other day when he was worked up again that he wonders why hes like this,and then he said its because of me!I`m starting to doubt myself,i have a good selfesteem,but this is making me depressed as i dont know what to do.He admits when hes calm that he has an anger problem!!
We live in a small town in the cape province,i dont think he will go for councelling ,anyway he is only at home for 3 weeks at a time.I dont even want him home anymore,because it feels like i1m walking on eggs the whole time.
Sorry for the long mail,but i needed to vent,and need some advise?

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Our expert says:
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It's hard to be helpful without knowing more about the Awful Secret. The "secret life" may be very relevant, and, as your mesage here is anonymous, you could tell us more about it.
OTherwise, you seem to be talking about him having Anger control problems, which could be helped by CBT counselling, IF he recognized that this is a problem, and sincerely does want to work with suh an expert in order to solve the problem. It's not your fault that he is bad-termpered, and you couldn't tranform him from a saint into a bad-tempered grouch if you tried.
If he is only home for 3 weeks at a time, but somewhere else for longer, he could get counselling there.

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