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Question
Posted by: Miss Blue | 2010/02/16

husband' s behaviour - Can the guys also respond

My husband has often remarked that I should act like a mother. We have a gorgeous daughter who is in school. I love her to bits and spend time with her. we go out together to a movie, shopping or just for a meal and we chat and have fun. But I also spend time with her to do school work, practice music and we read a lot together. I try my very best to ensure that she has cooked meals. I do work and usually get home shortly after 6pm. Unfortunately I can' t leave work earlier (I have asked). Now my daughter gets to bed by latest 7:30pm. It gives me very little time to cook, read to her, practice music, chat with her, etc. My cousin has been staying with us for over a month and is job hunting. He cooks every second day. My husband has a problem with my daughter eating the same meal 2 days in a row. And makes comments about the food as well.

Once again he made his comments and I got really hurt and upset. He now says he can' t say anything because I get upset. Guys, if you hurt your wife' s feelings would you apologize. I e-mailed him and told him how I feel so hopeless, useless and how I never do anything right. And I don' t even feel I deserve to be a wife and mum. I can' t seem to get it right and am constantly criticized. I try my best. I am hurt. I grew up with constant criticism and insults from an alocoholic dad who told me everyday I was good for nothing and now I am starting to feel the way I did when I was growing up all over again.

Would you have responded to this e-mail or had a chat to your wife? Would any of you have tried to comfort her and make her feel she is ok?

Well my husband hasn' t been talking much to me and I never even got a Valentines day wish. Not that I care. He doesn' t buy gifts except for a birthday. But he somehow seems to be waiting for me to apologize because I got upset for nothing and he has a right to say what he wants.

When he makes comments like this and I say so you are saying I am a bad mum. He responds by saying if that' s what you think, that' s your problem, but I didn' t say that. What would you make of - " You should act like a mother" 

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If your husband is so fussy about the menus and the food, why doesn't he do some of the cooking ?
Maybe your sad childhood experiences have made you more than usually sensitive to criticism, and I wonder what his childhood was like, to make him such a bleak and unsupportive critic ?
And when he says "YOu should act like a mother", he's probably thinking of HIS mother - do you know what she was like ? Maybe she didn't work,maybe she had servants ?
But relax - you KNOW you are a good mother, and you certainly descibe a better than average job of mothering - don't take his criticisms to heart - he's a lousy mother, with no room to criticize !

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: R | 2010/02/16

I am a man and husband and did almost the same things your husband does. I nearly lost my wife through this and decided to get help to be a better husband and father. One can change his view and way of thinking.

What time does your husband get home in the evenings? You have little time in the evening for everything and you cannot give the attention to your daughter that she needs if you still have to make food etc. I think his excuse about getting cross because your daughter eats two meals that are the same is stupid!

Does he do anything to help you? I have learned to help my wife to prepare food even if it is just cutting the veggies or peeling the patatoes. We then spent some time together in the evening. My daughter also studies and if she can she will help with the food or else I do.

He should give attention to you and help you for you will get annouyed with him and that can ruin your marraige!!

Reply to R
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/16

Tell him your daughter has two parents an what role is he playing in her life? It sounds as if you are doing it all on your own?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/16

If your husband is so fussy about the menus and the food, why doesn't he do some of the cooking ?
Maybe your sad childhood experiences have made you more than usually sensitive to criticism, and I wonder what his childhood was like, to make him such a bleak and unsupportive critic ?
And when he says "YOu should act like a mother", he's probably thinking of HIS mother - do you know what she was like ? Maybe she didn't work,maybe she had servants ?
But relax - you KNOW you are a good mother, and you certainly descibe a better than average job of mothering - don't take his criticisms to heart - he's a lousy mother, with no room to criticize !

Reply to cybershrink

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