Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-11

Husband vs. Lover

I am married 2 years with a toddler.
My marriage went through an intense breakdown last year (mostly due to lack of sex drive after birth, medication and lack of communication) which resulted in me having an affair with a work colleague for about 6 months until February this year when it ended.
We have been through counselling etc and are on the road to recovery, but… … … 
My ex lover was a much better lover in certain departments (kissing, oral and hand stimulation) than my husband and when hubby and I are intimate, I think only of my ex lover and cannot enjoy sex or any physical to the full extent despite my best efforts.
My husband and I have spoken, and his manoeuvres have improved, but it’ s not the same and I feel terrible and SO guilty.
I have even resorted to having non-sober sex so as to not deprive my husband as its the only way I can get into “ it”  nowadays.
I don’ t know how to stop fantasizing sexually about this other man and move on with my life!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Anonymous,

The problem and question you have posed here is complex and a response here would not address or resolve what you are asking adequately.

I strongly recommend that you consult a relationship therapist who also specialises in sex therapy. The challenges you are experiencing are situated in the relationship in general and then the sexual relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-06-10

Shows the growing ignorance in society... We are so liberal that we are losing our human values in the process. Such a pity!!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Sandy | 2009-05-14

Dear Husband vs Lover and Open Love

That' s dirty!!
Don' t do dirt to the Man. Give him the respect he deserves, a clean break-up, with his dignity.

Reply to Sandy
Posted by: Moekie | 2009-05-13

I was married 16 yrs when I caught him in bed with our maid. I had an idea that something was not right but he would not admit to it until I caught him. She told me that they had been diong things 4 a year already. I moved out of the bedroom + would never allow him ever 2 touch me again. He did not want a divorce but after I met a new bf - we became sexually active after 2 weeks, I moved out of the house into a flat. No ways would I have sex with bf under the same roof as my husband. I have a high sex drive + the sex is sooooo good. My husband is free 2 do as he pleases but I won' t go back or have sex in that house. Although still legally married there is no possibility of us ever making up + I will continue 2 live like this until he gives me a divorce. Life' s circumstances r sure strange.

Reply to Moekie
Posted by: Eish | 2009-05-13

This is taking advantage of your hubby. I think you know that he loves you and wont just leave you, so u pushing you way around. Can you imagine if the tables where turned around. If you like your BF to sleep with you... then leave your hubby, dont abuse him and make him feel low.. Remember..... " the good you do stays with you, the evil you do comes back to you"  WATCH IT !

Reply to Eish
Posted by: Egg | 2009-05-13

Crazy, crazy stuff... Having sex with your boyfriend while your husband sleeps on the couch... It is not jugding it is just plain wrong, sick, fornication... Which is going against the Lord' s Word!!! I cant believe people will sin like that! I' m so dissapointed!!!

Reply to Egg
Posted by: Tsietsi | 2009-05-12

Open Lover. I like your perspective. I guess some people don' t understand that open love means exactly that. Open.....
I' m shocked that in this day and age people still want to judge. I admire you and your hubby for making it work for both of you.

Anonymous dear. These situations are never meant to be easy. You need to start with yourself first, what do you really want??? Whatever decision you decide to make, make sure it' s the best for you. Seek some help - seriously dear.

Reply to Tsietsi
Posted by: anon 24 | 2009-05-12

Dear anonymous

you should be ashamed of what you are doing to your husband and i am glad that your guilt feelings got the better of you, rather divorce your husband than be unfaithfull, you made a promise the day you married him and you are so not keeping to that promise.

Dear open love

you should have a check up to see if your brain is still working coz it is clear that it doesnt, just remember there is no medication for stupidity. how would you feel if you were married and love your other half to bits, yet he/she is putting you in another room while your other half is busy having sex with someone else in your bed and you have to listen to it, i would rather let my husband kill me before i have to go through that, and do you really think her husband will alow that? do you think anyone will alow that, whoever does alow it is really stupid,
remember to go have your check up ok.

Reply to anon 24
Posted by: Happily Married | 2009-05-12

I am sitting here in disbelief at Open Love' s reply. For me, what you are doing is definitely abuse, you are abusing your husband. How would you feel if he did the same thing? Not so great when the shoe is on the other foot. If you don' t mind him doing the same as you then perhaps there is no love in your marriage and in that case why don' t you rather set him free so he can find someone to love him unconditionally. Love is what keeps us together.

Dear Anonymous
I have been with my hubby for over 24 years now and it just keeps getting better. In order for it to get better you need to constantly work at it and work at yourself. Whatever is not up to standard, give it some attention and make it better. Life is what you make it, you can make it great or you can choose to fantasize about someone else. Just remember you can only change yourself - not anyone else.
Good luck and I hope that you can start focusing on your family.

Reply to Happily Married
Posted by: Open love | 2009-05-11

Have you considered bringing your lover into the relationship, and being open with hubby about it, and maybe him accepting that part you need, and taking it to the level where ur bf can spend the night, while hubby sleeps in the next room.

My husband and I went through the same thing, and we discussed my needs, mainly sexual (he didnt go down, or rim me bum, and felt anal was dirty). So when I had an affair, I came clean about it, he accepted it, and one day asked how he would feel if my bf spent the night. I gave him a deal that took the sexual pressure of him. It took him a while to get used to, and he would go to the pubs around the corner when my lover stayed over and sleep on the couch downstairs in the beginning.

Reply to Open love

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