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Posted by: Natalie | 2010/09/01

Husband unfaithful because of depression

Something dreadful has happen to our wonderful mariage of 10 years. My hubby has confessed to cheating on me and i am heart broken. Its a long story but Ill try and keep it short. We married very young out of wedlock. He was 22 and I was 19. I had 5 previous sexual relationships before him but he was still a virgin.
Initially he had major issues with this fact but he eventually dealt with it (or so I thought). Recently these issues resurfaced with a vengeance and he said that it torments his soul that I have had all of him but that he has to "  share"  me with the past relations. He went into a deep depression and eventually had a one night stand to, according to him rid him of these feelings. He said he felt completely horrible about it but has shaken off these bad feelings of my past and are ready to continue with our relationship. I know he loves me deeply, as I do him. What should I do? I am heart broken.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I would strongly recommend marriage counselling for the pair of you, to better understand and deal with the issues that have arisen. And whatver the causes of his depression, he should have it expertly assessed and treated, too
Depression doesn't cause infidelity. Misconceptions about depression and its causes might make it easier for someone to feel jusified in being unfaithful - and then more guilty later on

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Beth | 2010/09/03

Just an excuse to make shit...why tell him about ur previous reltships it''s nothing to him as he was not there at that time...Next time remember there is no kilometre reading down there to check how far u''ve gone.....

Reply to Beth
Posted by: Anon | 2010/09/03

There''s nothing wrong with still being a virgin at 22. You should do it when YOU are ready. The media brainwashes people into thinking you should do it early &  that everyone should be having wild sex all the time, or else there''s somnething wrong with you. Sex is a very intimate thing - not to mention the danger of STDS &  HIV - so people shouldn''t feel they must do it young or there''s something wrong with you. Likewise, if you had 5 partners before 19, well, such is life. As Natalie says she isn''t proud of it but teens make mistakes. It doesn''t mean she''s a bad person.

Unfortunately, sometimes men who don''t deal with depression show their depression in other ways, like aggression, promiscuity &  irritability. He clearly needs to get treatment asap. It still isn''t an excuse &  it won''t make Natalie feel better that it could be a part of his depression, but it is a possibility that it is complicated. If he does indeed feel he must even the score then he needs therapy to deal with that issue. I think Maria is prob right in saying that his depression makes it hard for him to deal with your past.

Good luck!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Judge | 2010/09/02

What is JZ has to do with this now Natalie..you should be concetrating on your cheating husband, JZ and his kids are doing great and you on the other hand have a cheating husband who want to settle the score..

The truth is you are quick to judge others and say that they are crippling a suffering planet. What about you? you slept with 5 men at the age of 19yrs, clearly now you should be the last person to be throwing judgment.

As for yah neh she is telling you the truth, your husband will do it again until he feels that he has settled the score, lot of people go through deprestion but u dont see them go out cheating.. So did your loving, devoted husband buy a prostitude?

Reply to Judge
Posted by: Disappointed | 2010/09/02

I think Ja Neh was being sarcastic in his first post. He second post does make sense. Whilst he may suffer from depression, I also think your husband is using this as an excuse for his infidelity. He married you for better or for worse and he also had to accept you for who you were and your past when he married you. He should have had counselling if he couldn''t deal with it. And really needs it now.

My husband is much older than me and has more than double the amount of previous sexual partners than I had. If this ever made me feel insecure I had to deal with it or it would have destroyed any chance of getting married in the first place. When I walk up the aisle to marry him, I had to make peace with his past. I wasn''t in his past and therefore he did nothing wrong towards me.

If you look further down on the posts you will see that my 8 year marriage has also recently been rocked by a flirtation my husband had. I know how devastating this can be. Read the Doc''s responses. They have been most helpful.

I think you need to stop feeling bad or sorry about your past and tell your husband that you expect him to accept and love you for ALL of you - past &  present. So what if you had sex before him, you love him and want to only have sex with him forever more, and you agreed to that when you promised to be faithful to each other in your vows.

He has broken that trust and promise and it is now up to him to build up your trust again, seek help for his depression and insecurities and you need to trust he will never to do this again.

He is at fault here, not you and please don''t let his depression or insecurities make you feeling guilty for the choices he has made. He is a grown man and needs help to deal with them.

Reply to Disappointed
Posted by: Natalie | 2010/09/02

Ja neh: My husband has been suffering from intense depression for the past 8 years and I think this incident was just a symptom of his illness. He is normally the most devoted and loving father and husband anyone could ask for. I am NOT proud that I had 5 previous sexual partners and if I could turn back the clock I would. You are the looser Ja neh. You and the philandering JZ with his 20 wifes and 100 kids that are crippling a suffering planet.

Reply to Natalie
Posted by: Ja neh | 2010/09/02

Having a lot of sexual partners at a young age is not goal and it would be senseless to suggest that especially in this day and age. All that I''m saying is that the man was really slow to have only broken his virginity with his wife at 22 and obviously judging by his behaviour now, this was not by choice and he is now blaminghis infidelity on depression...which I think its bullsh*t. This is not depression but self inadequacy and low self esteem. He was not supposeed to get married when he still wanted to screw around. He is using the wife''s honesty abut her past to manipulate and degrade her. He is a looser!!!!

Reply to Ja neh
Posted by: Maria | 2010/09/02

Ja Neh... why is having lots of sexual partners when you''re still very young a goal worth aiming for?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: ja neh | 2010/09/02

At 19 to have had 5 previous SEXUAL r/ships, It is lot.You were really enjoying the forbidden fruit heh...but anyway, nothing particulrly wrong with that but telling your partner of past sexual relations does more harm tha good as some people struggle with this. I hope your hubby used protection when he was banging this other chick..just double check with him. So minus one, this means that he has 4 remaining in order to settle the score with you and plus he is man so he must bang more than you have. Sit down with him and discuss how much allowance you are willing to give him before you call it truce because trust me, banging this one will not be enough for as he known that you are leading him by 4!! Eish maar he was slow...at 22 and still a virgin..he must pull up his socks.

Reply to ja neh
Posted by: Maria | 2010/09/02

I think you could benefit from therapy, separately and together. It is possible that your husband is not depressed because of your history, but that depression renders him unable to deal with that history in a healthy way. His depression must be treated with therapy and perhaps meds if necessary. Only then can the two of you usefully work on your relationship.

ps. If he hasn''t done it yet he needs to go for an HIV test as well as a checkup for other STI''s.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/02

I would strongly recommend marriage counselling for the pair of you, to better understand and deal with the issues that have arisen. And whatver the causes of his depression, he should have it expertly assessed and treated, too
Depression doesn't cause infidelity. Misconceptions about depression and its causes might make it easier for someone to feel jusified in being unfaithful - and then more guilty later on

Reply to cybershrink

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