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Question
Posted by: Me | 2008/08/13

Husband needs Anger management but how?

Hi,

I need help. My husband has a serious problem. He cannot control his anger and although he has never beaten me - it has come very close and I am afraid for the day it might happen. The problem now is that he is taking his anger out on the kids and gave my little 3-year old girl a hiding of 6 beats on her bottom that it is all blue now. I felt it was unneccesary that he gave her such a hiding, yes, kids should get hidings, but not like this. What makes it worse is that her teacher from kindergarden phoned me and wants to know what is going on. This is the second time in abpout 3 months that her little bum are blue from getting a hiding. The previoust time, I let it go by, it was the first time and I thought it was a honest mistake. He felt bad about it too. This time around he sees nothing wrong with it and I' m not allowed to say anything about it or it ends up in a huge argument.

This unfortunately is not the only problem. He use to have a huge drinking problem as well - which ge got sort of under control for about a year now. He still drinks, but only drinks wine and only a glass or two. Lately this wine is swopped for Brandy again and if it is wine, it is a bottle or two or maybe three.. I don' t have problem with people having a drink, but if it changes your personality, then you have a problem. This is true for him. Lately he drinks too much and then he gets aggressive. I cannot understand that a man of 36years cannot control himself. He should really know by now when he should stop drinking. Anyway - it gets really ugly and he makes me feel like a coloured woman from the cape flats. I was not brought up this way and defnitely do not want to bring my kids up like this.

The next problem is that he is a very MR NICE guy - Everybody just adores him - nobody knows the BASTARD he is at home. So -who do I talk to for advise? I also don' t really trust anybody - people talk to easy.

My real problem is - I know I have a serious problem at hand. I know he needs help. I don' t know what kind of help and I don' t know how to get through to him with out ending up in a fight. He honestly belief there is nothing wrong with the way he acts and no-one should dare to to show him on his faults - he is just short of St Peter....

What should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Trouble is, Anger Management techniques only work with someone who recognizes that they have a real problem and sincerely want to change it. Leaving aside the debate over whether the occasional swat on the bottom is useful and harmless, ANY form of hiding of a child that leaves bruises IS CHILD ABUSE. You cannot let this go by. Maybe you could work with the kindergarten teacher who could make the complaint to child welfare, so that your husband doesn't have you to blame and take it out on.
He also, from your description, has a serious drinking problem, which will exaggerate and worsen his anger and violence. Is there a possibility of you and the child staying for a time with relatives or friends while child welfare investigates him for child abuse and the alcoholism that is out of control and fuelling this fire ?
Call, Childline, too, for advice on how best to proetect you and the child, which must be the main priority. Maybe a clash with the authorities will bring home to him both that his conduct is unacceptable, but also that he seriously needs help. He's unlikely to accept such suggestions from you alone.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lila | 2008/08/13

Heavens - why the racist jibe in the middle of everything?

Reply to Lila
Posted by: Oops | 2008/08/13

sorry for typo: exactly.

Reply to Oops
Posted by: Oops | 2008/08/13

" .....coloured woman from the Cape Flats...." 

So, what are you, exaclty?? Seeing as you regard the above so very low-life...

Reply to Oops
Posted by: kay | 2008/08/13

That' s child abuse, and by not reporting it or taking any steps to remove your children from this situation - u' re party to the abuse. He' s not disciplining the child, he' s just taking his aggression out on the child because she cannot defend herself from the monster that he is. You need to deal with this NOW.
If you want to be with this guy, it' s your choice, u' re an adult and can make decisions. But your children deserve better and don' t make the decisions to be in an unfavourable situation just because you can and are prepared to put up with it.
And what' s any of this got to do with "  Coloured women from the Cape Flats" ? Careful there ...

Reply to kay

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