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Question
Posted by: Marsh | 2009/10/28

Husband irritates me most of the time

Hi, I have been married for 16 years and we have 3 beautiful kids. However, 5 years into the marriage and whilst I was pregnant with our 2nd child, my husband had an affair with a married woman.
I was devastated and shocked as we had a healthy sex life, and there were no problems in our marriage. Once I found out, I hated him, left and moved to my mother' s. However, he begged and pleaded, promised to change and even tried to commit suicide.
I eventually gave in and moved back with him. He has never ever again been unfaithful - in fact he is always home, pays attention to the children and fulfills his fatherly and spousal duties. My problem is that I cannot get over what he did, and that he did it when I was at my most vulnerable and needed him the most. I look at him and dont trust anything he says or does and think I am starting to hate him.
I dont know why this is happening now, but I know I have to move on as I cant look at him without resentment and disspointment.
I feel like I could have had any man, and I chose him and he did the worst thing a man could do to a woman. Also, why he did it while I was pregnant, why didnt he do it before I agreed to have a second baby.
His affair hit me like a lightning bolt out of nowhere. Even though I know he loves me and the kids, I think I have fallen out of love with him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What happened in the past was, obviously, awful. But it sounds as though he has really reformed, apologised and don a lot to make amends. So the remaining problem seems to lie more in the way you have been unable, so far, to work through these issues and get beyong it.
We can't re-write the facts of history - maybe you could have chosen various other men, but you didn't, and you can't go back and make a different choice. But what we can re-script is the conclusions we choose to draw from past experiences, and how we choose to allow these to continue to influence us. This is where a counsellor / therapist, especially one of the CBT, Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy variety, can help you work through the aftermath of this awful experience, and move on to a happer and freer life.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: James | 2009/10/30

2 wrongs dont make a right, besides why stoop to his level. Keep your integrity intact. I surmise it would lead to vicious cycle of tit for tat which I doubt anyone will be happy with.

Good luck

Reply to James
Posted by: Marsh | 2009/10/29

Thanks for the comments. I am trying to make it work, have been for the last 10 years or so after the affair. I must admit, it crossed my mind to do the same to him out of revenge, but I was unable to go through with it. Anyway, i will take it one day at a time.

Reply to Marsh
Posted by: James | 2009/10/29

R - it doesnt matter who does it IT is wrong. If your wife is not working at all to fix it then you have a very rough road ahead. The constant worrying eats at you and does nt help to resolve anything and just becomes another source of fighting.

Trust, I maintain, is the single biggest factor in a relationship and if that is gone or is not being rebuilt then the prospects are not to bright.

I am and aim to remain single. I got divorced almost 4 years back and will not walk that path again. I have been told that I shouldnt generalise and I accept that but you only find out after the fact so I wont take the chance again.

Somehow it is never the fault of the guilty either.

Be strong as its hard and whatever your decisiion I hope it works for you.

Reply to James
Posted by: R | 2009/10/29

James, it is if I wrote your comment myself. Wife had an affair, said she is sorry but NEVER did she once asked me to forgive her. She feels it happened, it is in the past and go on. Easy for her but my trust in her is gone and she is not working to regain it again!! Funny, men used to do the hunting and the sleeping around, now it is t he women!!

Reply to R
Posted by: James | 2009/10/29

I can understand the feelings you have, except of course the pregnancy part :-). My wife had affairs ans emotionally it breaks you. We are now divorced and as far as I ma concerned it is for the best except for the kids that are the biggest losers in the whole situation.

It is not a situation I wish on my worst enemy but each couple' s situation will be different and if you decide that you are going to stay you will have to work really hard to build the trust within yourself again. Trust is earned and needs two to participate and make it work. If he is doing what is necessary then you will need to work on it, maybe see a counsellor, if he is not then he needs to really get his backside in gear and sort himself out.

I personnally could never trust again as she (my ex) never did anything to try regain the trust but just thought that having apologised that it back to normal, it is so not so.

I wish you all the best.

Reply to James
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/10/29

What happened in the past was, obviously, awful. But it sounds as though he has really reformed, apologised and don a lot to make amends. So the remaining problem seems to lie more in the way you have been unable, so far, to work through these issues and get beyong it.
We can't re-write the facts of history - maybe you could have chosen various other men, but you didn't, and you can't go back and make a different choice. But what we can re-script is the conclusions we choose to draw from past experiences, and how we choose to allow these to continue to influence us. This is where a counsellor / therapist, especially one of the CBT, Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy variety, can help you work through the aftermath of this awful experience, and move on to a happer and freer life.

Reply to cybershrink

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