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Question
Posted by: Meg | 2009/04/29

Husband in Irak

My husband is in Irak for the last 5 and a half years. He still needs to do two more years but loneliness is killing me. I am in a stage where I think I should have an affair although it is against my beliefs but, 5 and a half years is a very long time. I only see my husband once every three months. What should I do?

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Our expert says:
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Its not at all surprising that you feel lonely. Presumably he perhaps both of you, are expecting this long period in Iraq to bring in major financial support for the rest of your lives, but it is otherwise a very bad arrangement for a marriage and for botyh of you in an emotional sense. I don't think an affair will solve any of your problems. You mention seeing you husband every 3 months --- for how long at a time ? Some personal counselling for you, starting as soon as possible, is a good idea, and maybe some joint sessions while he is here.

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Our users say:
Posted by: jc | 2009/04/30

Meg, I really feel for you. My man is also ex-SF, and has been looking at foreign contracts for a while now He also sees it as the only way to sort out finances, given that his skills are not that applicable to most civilian jobs.
All I can say is hang in there. Don' t have an affair, don' t even consider that - it would be a waste of everything you have both sacrificed so far. Use technology as much as possible - email, skype, msn - so that you can stay involved with each other, Ask him for the names of other wives from his company, and spend time with them. At least with them you will all know where your men are and why they are there, and it can give you a support system.
Use the three weeks he is home as a chance to spend time together, maybe go away a bit, do whatever you can to make that a special time for both of you, so that you can both draw on thoughts of it when you are apart.
And above all, remember, he' s not having fun there, especially after 5 years. For a start he is probably terrified that he has beaten the odds for so long, and that the risk of him being hurt is really high. He' s doing the best he can with the skills he has to create a future for the two of you. In some ways it is probably worse to be the one at home trying to live a normal life, but if you have managed for this long, then just grit your teeth and keep going for the rest of this contract. But tell him that you can' t live with a renewal, that when this one is up, you need him to be home with you, and that the two of you will deal with the challenges of normal life together. At least, for Iraqi service for that long, you should be able to start afresh with house and cars etc paid for.
Good luck, be strong, and hang in there. And make the most of his hometimes.............

Reply to jc
Posted by: Meg | 2009/04/30

He comes for only 3 weeks at a time. He is an old army man and says this is the only way to build us a future. After 10 properties and high lending rates we' ve been declared bankrupt last year.
So we are starting over. It is really bad because we have only been married for 5 and half years as well. It doesn' t seem like this is going to end. The only thing that keeps me around is prayer but at times it just does not seem enough. Thanks for all the advice x x

Reply to Meg
Posted by: Wow !! | 2009/04/29

Jislaaike girl !! 5 years with 3 month intervals. What a crazy set up. No marriage, even if made in heaven can survive that. It' s obviously all about money and believe me, money per se cannot bring happiness when sacrificed for time with loved ones. Time cannot be recovered, once passed its over. No one can blame you if you seek some comfort, but then you resalise it' s over between you two, so is it worth it ? get him to cut his contract and come home and enjoy what you have at this stage.

Reply to Wow !!
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/04/29

I think it is time he realised he has a family and should return home to care for you in the traditional sense.I would not accept this situation and the worry that goes with it.
He might come back and not want you after all this time.You need to chat to him and tell him about your feelings and desires.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/04/29

I think it is time he realised he has a family and should return home to care for you in the traditional sense.I would not accept this situation and the worry that goes with it.
He might come back and not want you after all this time.You need to chat to him and tell him about your feelings and desires.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: OLIVE | 2009/04/29

PLS do not make a selfish decision.

Reply to OLIVE
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/04/29

Oh! Why don' t you join him over there?

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/04/29

Well I feel for you!
Thats long and far in between.
Get yourself some toys... Invite friends over more often.
Demand he stays or it' s over and explain to him that you can' t take it anymore.
This dsn' t seem like a marriage to me so I don' t think anything you do would be considered an affair.
How is he getting by on that side... something to think about.
He is a guy after all.

Reply to Kelly

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