Posted by: Sandra | 2011-07-06

Husband does not want to leave - what can I do?

I have been married for 9 years - most of which were unfortunately very unhappy years. I''ve taken enough emotional abuse over the years and have decided that I no longer wish to be in the abusive relationship. I have inherited my late parents'' home and we have lived in the house for the last 9 years. I have asked my husband to move out on numerous occasions, which he refuses to do. Whenever I mention it, he turns into a huge argument. I simply cannot talk to him. He is rude (behind closed doors only but appears to be the ultimate gentleman when my friends and family visit). He has no way of disciplining the childred (aged 7 and 5) - always shouting and screaming at them.

All I want is my life back, and not someone around who is forever running me down and tell me how bad I am. What can I do? He doesn''t contribute towards the household expenses. He does however pay the children''s school fees. His argument is that he fixes things around the house - which is sufficient. I am successful in my career and this is also a huge threat to him. When I decided to study part-time in order to complete my degree, I was told in no uncertain terms that he will not be looking after the children should I need to attend lectures.

Divorce is definitely on the cards but not yet. I don''t feel ready to go and see an attorney yet. I need to first get my life back and be confident again. Please give me options of how to deal with this situation. I even went as far as thinking of selling the house. At least that way he has to move but then I thought of my children. Their grandparents meant for them to also benefit by staying in their home.

Thanking you in advance for your advise.

- Sandra

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Asking your husband to leave without initiating a divorce is somewhat unclear. You say you first need to get your life back and be confident again, but it seems to me that this is something you will be able to do only when you have made the decision of initiating the divorce.
If you are unhappy in your marriage you need to address this as a priority. If you cannot talk to your husband you may want to try mediation first to engage in conversation with the guidance of a mediator to facilitate the dialogue.
Given his lack of cooperation within the marriage you should prepare yourself for the same during and after a separation and the longer you chose to make a decision the longer it may be before you can regain your life and confidence.

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