Posted by: FBI | 2009-04-14


Hi CS,

I found out 4 days ago that my husband of 8 yrs has been cheating on me. He promises never to do it again but has blamed me and everybody else for his wrong doing except for himself. He truly believes that I drove him to it(our sex liife has been healthy all along and he has not complained) and that his work colleagues have influenced him to get involved with other women. All through the long weekend I' ve had to put on a brave face. He does not want to talk about it anymore even though I have not come to terms with anything as yet. Everytime I bring up the subject he complains of a serious headache or is suddenlt very busy and cannot be disturbed. I have insisted he go for an HIV test(I work for the Health Dept and know how rife it is in all communities.) and I want him to go for some psychological help. His father passed away last October and since then his behaviour has been questionable but I have always put it down to the grieving Process. When I eventually saw the sexually explicit sms'  and the half naked pictures of him on his phone he was more upset that I found out rather than actually acting sorry that he was involved in this nonsense to start with. He does not want to leave home nor can I cos i dont want my family members to find out. I do not know how to proceed nor do I know how to get over this without my kids and family finding out. I have thought of hanging myself on a number of occassions during the weekend. I dont think that I will because I love my kids more than myself and I will be strong for them. I am on Roaccuatne for my acne. Could I be over sensitive as a result. Thank you.

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Our expert says:
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If he blames you and everyone but himself, then it is much more likely to happen again. If he isn't man enough to take responsibility for his free choices and actions, then he won't be able to be faithful to anyone. He will not manage this unless he is prepared to talk about it, with you, and with a marriage counsellor. And insist that there will be no sex until he has been thoroughly screened for HIV and other STD, and has a clean bill of health from the doc. Grieving is hard work, but does not include cheating your spouse or promiscuous and high-risk sex. Is it esential that your ( and his ) family don't find out ? Sounds like he's upset that you found out, rather than for what he was doing.
You have many good reasons for being upset. Roaccutane can, though, cause serious depression, and this should be checked for, and deaolt with if it does arise. Stop assuming that you DID something to send him after other people --- he was fully capable of deciding on that on his own.

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Our users say:
Posted by: No No No | 2009-04-15

No decent honest person will ever cheat, simply because cheating is dishonest, selfish, disloyal and disrespectful in the extreme. Only those that have no moral fibre are cheaters. They cheat with impunity at the slightest opportunity and will continue to do so no matter how much they promise they will not. The trust is broken for ever and can never be regained no matter what is said or done, its always there, lurking in the background " Will they do it again" ? The best solution is to break aqway and get on with your life without the cheater and releive yourself of the constant worry.

Reply to No No No
Posted by: FBI | 2009-04-14

Yes. I have also questioned the real issue here. Well, I am angry that it happened to me becos I REALLY &  TRULY believe that I would not do it to my husband. I am not angry beacuse I found out. I am really glad that God had opened my eyes in those few minutes to my new reality. Just so you know that there are many people in this world who will REALLY &  TRULY never cheat! FOREVER! Till death do them part!! I proudly am 1 of them. I will overcome this hurdle and thank you for your reality bite.

Reply to FBI
Posted by: Q? | 2009-04-14

As I was reading this I asked myself what is the real issue here? do people get so angry over cheating because they never thought it would happen to them or is it because they found out that it happened? Do people really and truely believe that their spouse would NEVER cheat? forever?? till death do them part?

Reply to Q?
Posted by: FBI | 2009-04-14

Thank you so much fo all the good advice. Up until now I have felt that I might burst with the stress of all of this. I suddenly feel a littel lighter. I will proceed with caution and thank you again for the strength I found in your words.

Reply to FBI
Posted by: From my side | 2009-04-14

The same happened to us. If he shows no remorse he doesn' t care. Make him move out or move, so what if they find out. What is more important, you and the kids happiness or the families?

In my case I also asked him to move out for a while for me to come to terms with what is happening. He truly apologised and assured me that it was nothing I did, he just didn' t know why he did it. He more than once assured me he loves me and the kids. Aggreed to everything I suggested. He claims it was a moment of weakness. Nothing happened, it was only sms and phone.

What he said, everthing, really made me think. The problem is not with you, will never be or his friends. He is responsible for his actions. If you have a finger in the pie, did he ever tell you what is missing or wrong? I am sure you have other issues with him too, any married couple have, but communication is SSOOOOO important.

We managed to talk everything through, took about two weeks of talking, but after that we were fine, you also need to process this and if you stay you need to forgive and FORGET! We are still fine, it actually did us good, a year later.

Just remember it is never your fault, do get tested.

Reply to From my side
Posted by: MM | 2009-04-14

Once again i dont think you will ever trust him again, the trust is now broken even if you did work things out. One thing to remember that when men cheat its not your fault but merely a lack of respect on his part. do you really want to stay married to a man who has slept with someone else???? you need to ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself. This will take years to fix, literally years! i have been there and i can safely say that i blamed myself for a long time! why???? he is the one that made the choice! life is about choices, why couldnt he just say " no" , because he does NOT respect you. If you can move on then that is GREAT, many couples do, but if he live with constant distrust then what is the point? You will always think of it, ALWAYS. Good luck.

Reply to MM
Posted by: FBI | 2009-04-14

Just one other thing. He is a wonderful person. He loves his kids and has never shown me any negative traits. So i am so confuced and beginning to look for things taht I could have done to send him to other women.

Reply to FBI

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