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Question
Posted by: WORRIED | 2012/07/18

husband bully

My husbands son 20y lives with us. We also have 2 boys age 5 and 9. My problem is my husbands temper. When he had a bad day and gets home he expects it to be quiet so he can relax, this is a problem with 2 boys running around, I do my best but it causes allot of tension when he starts shouting and me getting upset. 2 weeks ago my step son got home from work my husband smelled smoke on him and asked him if he was smoking again, he immediately replied yes, after which my husband punched him with his fist against his chest, telling him he must not think he is stupid or try lying to him - the boy gave him a straight answer and did not talk back, I was furious and told him that he is a bully and I am getting tired of his aggressive attitude towards every one and that its not the way to treat your children. The next morning I did hear him apologizing to his son, but he did not say anything to me. a Week later we had a big fight again because he came home from work and just snapped at me about something stupid and we had a big fight again. I dont no what is wrong with him, he does not like anyone taking him on about things and people usually dont because they are a little bid scared of him. But I usually say when I dont like something but the last few weeks he gets very mad when I give my opinion. The problem is he told me he knows he does this and does not no why, if he is irritated it does not take allot for him to loos his cool. I dont think he will ever heard me or the kids, but his aggressive attitude is making it unbearable and thats not the kind of example I want to set for my kids. He is at the moment a pleasure and I can see he is really trying to be good husband and father. The problem is when he gets irritated again I know what is going to happen. He is a good man, but it is as if he has this other side that he sometimes has no control over. What advice can you give me, can this be from his childhood, the way he was raised or maybe from the time he was in the army - he did do border petrol and was in live combat?? Please Help!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Have you tried discussing this calmly with him, choosing a time when the problem is NOT active ? There must be times when he is NOT feeling especially stressed and angry. Chat about how worried you are about how he seems to be getting so stressed out at work, and then bringing home all that stress and sharing it with the kids. Ask if he'd talk a bit abouy what's so stressing at work, and whether there's any way in which he and you, working together, could try to improve on this ?
Talk with the kids, saying it distresses you when he gets so aggressive, but he is being upset at work, and needs some quiet and peace when he gets home. Can they help by planning their noisier games before he gets home or at weekends, and finding a quiet way to enjoy themselves when he gets back ?
Many factors ca lead us to respond in the unhelpful way he does, including the way one is brought up ( maybe everyone knew they had to be silent when HIS dad got home ).
And combat and border veterans often suffer various forms of PTSD, which may include a hair-trigger temper and irritability. Does he maybe show other signs of this, such as nightmares, or really bad memories of past experiences ? Has he ever thought of seeing a shrink experienced with military vets and PTSD ( and could he be encouraged to do so ) ? Specific forms of psychotherapy including CBT, and some medications, can significantly improve PTSD and related post-traumatic problems, to everyone's benefit

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Our users say:
Posted by: WORRIED | 2012/07/18

Thanks for your quick response. I was thinking about speaking to him, and usually he understands why I am concern. Its just that sometimes I get the impression that he thinks that the way you raise kids is - he provides, they should respect and listen when he speaks, but he does not show them how to be respectful if he treats them this way he does. I always tells him that being afraid of someone is not the same as having respect for them - a concept he does not seem to understand. He did said during our last argument that if I thought he is bad I should have lift in his house when they crew up, then I wont think he is bad at all. I guess that explains allot!

He does not have nightmares but sometimes wakes up allot during the night. His memory is very good, nothing wrong their. He did ones told me that he had allot of problems with his anger when he got back from the border and that they told his parents to be very careful around him?

Reply to WORRIED
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/18

Have you tried discussing this calmly with him, choosing a time when the problem is NOT active ? There must be times when he is NOT feeling especially stressed and angry. Chat about how worried you are about how he seems to be getting so stressed out at work, and then bringing home all that stress and sharing it with the kids. Ask if he'd talk a bit abouy what's so stressing at work, and whether there's any way in which he and you, working together, could try to improve on this ?
Talk with the kids, saying it distresses you when he gets so aggressive, but he is being upset at work, and needs some quiet and peace when he gets home. Can they help by planning their noisier games before he gets home or at weekends, and finding a quiet way to enjoy themselves when he gets back ?
Many factors ca lead us to respond in the unhelpful way he does, including the way one is brought up ( maybe everyone knew they had to be silent when HIS dad got home ).
And combat and border veterans often suffer various forms of PTSD, which may include a hair-trigger temper and irritability. Does he maybe show other signs of this, such as nightmares, or really bad memories of past experiences ? Has he ever thought of seeing a shrink experienced with military vets and PTSD ( and could he be encouraged to do so ) ? Specific forms of psychotherapy including CBT, and some medications, can significantly improve PTSD and related post-traumatic problems, to everyone's benefit

Reply to cybershrink

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