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Question
Posted by: Mom n wife | 2011/02/03

Husband and Son

I am married (2nd marriage) to a very good man. The problem is, he really dislikes my child. We are separated because of this, as we do not see eye to eye about how to raise him etc. He has tried to be a father to my child who is ten, but my child resists. They just cannot bond, and my child purposefully and not on purpose does stuff to push my husband further away.

I have aksed my husband to do family therapy. He will not, I have asked him to read step parenting books, he will not. He is jealous of my bond with my son, and I think it is made worse by us not being able to have a child of our own.

He says I always stand up for the child, even when the child does wrong, that he gets away with murder and has me wound around his little finger. Is that not what mothers do.

What do I do. I am so hurt and torn. He has told me that we will never live together again while my son is around.

Please help me, I am hurting so very bad.
Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why not see a marriage counsellor together, to resolve these dificulties and disagreements ? It sounds as though the cousnellor would also want to see the child, who seems to be part of the problem, and it is important to understand why your child seems to be deliberaely resisting your husband's attempts to form a comfortable relationship with him.
You probably do stand up for your son, maybe not always in ways that are as helpful for the boy as you would wish.
Maybe the reason your husband has rejected Family Therapy is that he may have seen it as a way to FIX him, to blame him for the problems, and to make him eat humble pie and make major changes. Whereas it's a family situation that is unpleasant for all three of you, to which all three of you contribute, where you all need to understand each other better, and to work out a way in which you each benefit. Try again to persuade him to join you in family therapy - and maybe tell him that you will go ahead, but don't want to start it without him, because he will be so important in getting everything to work well

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011/02/03

Your son should be the highest priority in your life BUT I would suggest that you learn how to discipline your son. A child should definitely not be shielded from all consequences when he''s done something wrong. This just teaches the child how to duck responsibility and become unmanageable. It sounds like you''ve set few boundaries for your child - which is bad for you and definitely bad for your child.

" Is that not what mothers do. "  - I definitely don''t agree with this. Mothers should give love and support - not a way out when a child has been naughty. I''m a firm believer in letting my sons suffer the consequences of their actions. I''ll support them and help them through the consequences, but not take away consequences completely. It teaches them responsibility and respect for others...

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Trace | 2011/02/03

you start off by saying " he really dislikes my child"  My word woman do you even need advise, this is your child... He is refusing point blank to work on the situation, I am sure you know what you have to do. And the poor boy, hemust have picked up that he is not liked.

Reply to Trace
Posted by: Mom n wife | 2011/02/03

We have been for marriage counselling. It did not help at all

Reply to Mom n wife
Posted by: Nia | 2011/02/03

Your husband sounds like an immature selfish person.

He needs to realise that he is the adult and that your son is a child. Your husband is acting more like a child now! If you dont protect your child, love your child and have a special bond with him ... who is going to?

At his age, your husband ought to know that there is a HUGE difference between a love for a child and a love for a partner - that is why I say he is immature and unsure of himself.

Even if your child is a naughty difficult child, that does not give him reason to behave like he does. He should rather work with you to solve the problem, rather than against you.

His ultimatum that you have to choose between him and your child is unreasonable. How can any mom be expected to do that. If someone tells me to do that, I will definitely choose my child.

I am sure he knew you had a son when you married him. It sounds like he is using your son as an excuse to get out of the marriage because he is not doing anything from his side to resolve the problem.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Hard | 2011/02/03

Facts.....
Your husband will not
1 Go to therapy
2 Read up re step parenting
3 Live with you while your sun is around
Only solution.....
As your son is only 10 he has to be a priority for at least the next 8 years.Can only suggest divorce in this stalemate.

Reply to Hard
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/03

Why not see a marriage counsellor together, to resolve these dificulties and disagreements ? It sounds as though the cousnellor would also want to see the child, who seems to be part of the problem, and it is important to understand why your child seems to be deliberaely resisting your husband's attempts to form a comfortable relationship with him.
You probably do stand up for your son, maybe not always in ways that are as helpful for the boy as you would wish.
Maybe the reason your husband has rejected Family Therapy is that he may have seen it as a way to FIX him, to blame him for the problems, and to make him eat humble pie and make major changes. Whereas it's a family situation that is unpleasant for all three of you, to which all three of you contribute, where you all need to understand each other better, and to work out a way in which you each benefit. Try again to persuade him to join you in family therapy - and maybe tell him that you will go ahead, but don't want to start it without him, because he will be so important in getting everything to work well

Reply to cybershrink

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