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Question
Posted by: Please help. | 2012/08/15

Husband abuse

My husband of 27 years drinks alot. And he then starts to verbally abuse me, now and a handfull of times it was physical abuse. He lives in the past and can''t seem to come to terms with his whole life since he was 13. He had a horrible abusive father. He also cant get over the 2 years he was on the border. I can''t help him, it,s as if he drinks his problems away, but then takes it out on me. He is the most wonderful man, but when he drinks it''s as if he has split personalities. Then he''s not the man i fell inlove with.PLEASE HELP. We have medical aid, who or what must he go see to get help?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK. Obviously he has a serious drinking problem, which needs attention, but nobody expert can help him until he accepts that he does have a problem and that he does need help, and sincerely agrees to accept and work with such help.
Now, many people can have lasting concerns arising from having had an abusive father ; and many have unrecognized and undiagnosed problems stemming from awful experiences on the Border, including PTSD and related problems. It is common for such people to abuse alcohol, perhaps in cobination with various street drugs, as a form of self-medication, even though ultimately it doesnt help and may worsen their problems.
IF you can persuade him that these problems deserve respet and attention, that abusive behaviour towards you is intolerable and unacceptable, but that you greatly love the man he was and who he can again become, and will support him if he seeks and works with the proper expert help he deserves, then encourage him to see an experienced psychiatrist, privately if possible, asking for assessment, diagnosis, and a discussion of treatment options which should include medication AND counselling / psychotherapy, as the situation is too complex to respond solely to medications.
Also check whether the military medical services near you have any facilties to help veterans suffering from trauma problems.
Also consider contacting a group like POWA to assist you as an abused wife.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: abused | 2012/08/22

hi my husband is addicted to drugs and the drugs that he abuses makes him crazee and he even threatens us with knives when his high very abusive...he went to rehab he went for diversion and his worst now cos from his theraphy sessions it woke up some deep issues from his childhood that he cant get over and became worst...and believes now its good to walk around with that child in him and protect that child in him...so if he doesnt wanna go on his own if you suggest it he wont change...about staying only u can change it...love , is commitment and if the abuser knows about your love they abuse you more and more and more...

Reply to abused
Posted by: Angel Brigade | 2012/08/17

If you are legally married , the contract you have is for life - it is for better for worse, for richer for poor, in sickness &  health. I am sure you have this idea somewhere in your mind that is why you seek help for him. while you seek expert advice medically i would like you to consider reaching out to the AUTHOR OF LIFE, THE ONE WHO KILLS AND MAKES ALIVE, THE ONE THAT AT THE VERY SINCERE MENTION OF HIS NAME EVERY KNEE BOWS, THE ONE WHO REALLY REALLY UNDERSTANDS YOUR SITUATION AND IS EVER WILLING TO HELP WHEN YOU CRY OUT TO HIM. Remember with HIM there is no shadow of turning of turning, HIS promises are yea and amen. For your present situation HE said what so ever the canker worms have eaten, the caterpillars the palmer worms HE will restore JOEL 2:25-26, trust HIM, call HIM, HE will answer. This reply might not be conventional, but it is tried tested and proven to be true, try it out, call on GOD day &  night without ceasing &  see what only HE can do.

Reply to Angel Brigade
Posted by: Charlene | 2012/08/17

To Anita Brits
How did you manage to leave. I am in the same situation and I am terrified to leave and finances are definately not in my favour. My family is also very far away.
Please advise.

Reply to Charlene
Posted by: Elise | 2012/08/17

You know why you married your husband and to just walk away from 27 years together is a long time. I would suggest that you talk to him when he is sober and tell him that you love you and that he has a problem. You will support him if he agrees to go for counseling or seek help but that you can’ t continue like this. Tell him that you want to stay with the person you married 27 years ago and who you fell in love with but you can’ t handle the person he becomes when he is drunk and that you not willing to continue like this if he is not willing to work on his problem. If he agrees to go for counseling and you can see a change in him than I would suggest you give it another try but if he refuses to work on the problem or even don’ t acknowledge that he has a problem than it he will just continue this way. You can’ t change him only he can, so don’ t try. Maybe you need to separate until he had a time to work on the problem than you can always reconcile at a later stage. It’ s not healthy to be in an abuse relationship physically or emotionally.

Reply to Elise
Posted by: Anita Brits | 2012/08/17

I was also in the same type of relationship. He was fine for 2,5 years, then started drinking and also became abusive, verbally and physically. He would get so drunk that he did not remeber what he did the night before. Untill on day he throttled me untill i passed out from lack of air, and when i woke up there, i decided i am getting out of here - because the next time they are going to carry me out in a body bag. Get out of there girl, you or any woman should not tollerate any form of abuse. It is hard to take that step, but do it. I left this guy 7 times and went back again. They have such a hold on you that you really dont understand. I have met this amazing man now - gentleman who treasts me like gold. GET OUT OF THERE - BEFORE IT IS TO LATE. PLEASE - HE WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER CHANGE, believe me. Put your foot down and feel the difference to take back the control of your life.

Reply to Anita Brits
Posted by: Annie | 2012/08/17

No matter what his problem is, he is not allowed to abuse you. Lay a charge at the police station. Maybe that will make him realise that he has a problem.

Reply to Annie
Posted by: XXX | 2012/08/16

This is totally unaceptable behaviour and should be addressed on an urgent basis.There is no excuse for physcial abuse and you should not allow it to continue.
He needs to get specialist help fast.For all his so called love for you,it won''t help when he has broken bones in your body,or even worse.
Please ensure that he gets help soon.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/16

OK. Obviously he has a serious drinking problem, which needs attention, but nobody expert can help him until he accepts that he does have a problem and that he does need help, and sincerely agrees to accept and work with such help.
Now, many people can have lasting concerns arising from having had an abusive father ; and many have unrecognized and undiagnosed problems stemming from awful experiences on the Border, including PTSD and related problems. It is common for such people to abuse alcohol, perhaps in cobination with various street drugs, as a form of self-medication, even though ultimately it doesnt help and may worsen their problems.
IF you can persuade him that these problems deserve respet and attention, that abusive behaviour towards you is intolerable and unacceptable, but that you greatly love the man he was and who he can again become, and will support him if he seeks and works with the proper expert help he deserves, then encourage him to see an experienced psychiatrist, privately if possible, asking for assessment, diagnosis, and a discussion of treatment options which should include medication AND counselling / psychotherapy, as the situation is too complex to respond solely to medications.
Also check whether the military medical services near you have any facilties to help veterans suffering from trauma problems.
Also consider contacting a group like POWA to assist you as an abused wife.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2012/08/15

It won''t do any good to force him to see someone, until he is ready to admit that he has a problem and needs help, nobody can do anything for him.

Look at www dot alanon dot org dot za

Reply to Maria

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