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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-06-16

Husband

I wrote to you a few mnths ago regarding my hubby`s anger outburts and that he had a secret in his past regarding gender issues!You will maybe remember he used to work in the middle East and only came hom every few mnths.I suggested counselling,he was not so keen but did not say no!
Anyway he`s contract ended in April,and he had some anger outburts again and i gave him altimatum,either he does something about his uncontrolled emotions or i take our kids and move out because i cant take its anymore neither will i subject our kids to this.
He got a fright and contacted some-one to see.So he went for 3 sessions and she wanted to see us together then, but i told him that i had some trust issues with him and i want to see her alone aswell.She tried hipno therapy,but it did not work,because beforehand he told me that he is afriad of some stuff that will come out .i was not surprized that it did not work,think he blocked it!So i thought what was the use in him seeing some-one,and for her to asked to see us together if he does not open up to her in regarding his past and what causes all this emotions in him.(he`s parents were divorced when he was only 6, and right after that he started havin gender confusing thoughts and tried practising it up until age 24 or some)He told me before we got married that it was only a passing thing( i came upon stuff in his house regarding this) and he is over the stuff.I would never have married him if he was still feeling like this!But how was i supposed to know he still research it on the internet and so on.
Anyway i told her about his problems with his mother,excepting their divorce,forgiving his dad.His mom is very dependend on him(emosionally),she is only 62.And then i started crying and told her about his gender issues,because it effects me so much and i dont know whats going on in his head.I " caught"  him twice after our marriage reading up and persuing transgenderism info!He is now in his mid 30`s!
He went last week to her,and came back very quiet,did not speak to me for 3 days,so i assumed she spoke to him about this and my fears.So then he tells me she wants to see us together now.
So i was thinking,how will i know if he discussed this with her and how he feels about the gender thing now!He`s anger outburst is much better,but he is only their a mnths and a half!So i dont want to be optimistic too soon!
I dont know what to make of all this.

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Our expert says:
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I have very serious doubts about ANY "therapist" who considers using "hypnotherapy" in such a situation --- there is absolutely no good evidence that it is an effective treatment for someone with serious anger problems. However, so long as she abandons the silly idea of hypnosis ( presumably she thought some form of hypnosis might make it easier for him to talk about the topics that made him feel so uncomfortable, and obviously this did not work ).
He would very understandably be concerned that he might unwittingly reveal stuff he would rather not, and would and could reists her attempts to "hypnotize" him.
However some joint sessions might enable the pair of you to genuinely work on this. He may need to see someone different, and perhaps more experienced, to reall deal with his gender issues and concerns, or maybe she can indeed handle it.
Why not help to encourage him to work well in therapy, telling him that you notice his anger have ben rather better lately, and hope this can continue ; and that you are aware that he feels very embarrassed about the gender issues, but you are grateful that he is now able to talk about it with a therapist who can help him deal with it properly. He may be scaed of how you might react if he acknowledges that any aspect of these problems is still active.

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