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Question
Posted by: hestia | 2011/10/31

Hurt

Hi Sorry this is a long post however there is so much that happened. How do one move on after your heart feels like it is torn out of your body? I wrote a while ago about my family staying in my house, I am 33 years old. My two sisters (28 and 38 years old), sister''s child (5 years old) mom and Dan. I decided to move back to my house with my boyfriend and fix it up. The flat in the back of the house to be fixed for mom and Dad to stay in. And asked my two sisters to get another place to stay. I gave them 4 months notice. My father decided to move with my two sisters as he does not want to stay were my boyfriends stays.
This weekend at 3 in the morning I received a shocking sms from my father. Saying that I chased the familiy from the home for sex. that it is too late for me and him and that I should never contact him again. That I got the home almost free (I bought it from my father 9 years ago at a price that the bank approved and even gave him a furhter R110 000 later). That I should get up from my back as they have more right to the house as my boyfriend. That he curse me, him, our children and our children''s children.

I sent him a sms back to say I did not chase anyone from the home. We love each other and we want to start a live together. That my sisters are adults with a job and they should have a place of their own a long time ago. And that I said I will fix the flat for my them. That I respect his wishes not to contact him again. That I wish them a future with happiness, prosperity and joy.

His answer to me was that I am being manipulated by my boyfriend. That he is a pig and that a whore gets paid for sex. I change away my family. That I only took him in for sex. That I am not worth being called his daugther . That I do not know anything about love. And that he does not know me.

This broke my heart. I do not know what to do. What he said will never be unsaid. How do I move on? this is not doing my health any good. And decided that to me he is now dead. I am not sure if I am making the correct decision. However I can not understand how any father can say this to his daugther. If I do not cut him from my life it is going to make me sick and unhappy.
I know I am not a whore. My first sexual encounter was only this year. I do not sleep around
Please help It feels like I am drowning.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If your father really is that mean, ungrateful and stupid, he is really not much of a loss, though of course this may feel very different to you at first. He has failed to bother to provide for himself and his family, and has depended on your kindness and generosity for a long time. who you choose to form a relationship with, or sleep with it utterly NON of his business, and its outrageous that he feels entitled to intefere, let alone to do so, so rudely.
And yes, of course, your sisters are adults with every chancwe and duty to provide for themselves rather than sponge on you. They should be ashamed for having stayed so long and without thanking you and recopgnizing how much they owe you.
Ignore his mean and cruel words, but accept his only sensible suggestion - that you not waste your tgime contacting him again. Leave him to himself. Of course it's nonsense that you're not worthy of being called his daughter ( who on earth does he imagine he is ? ) - the truth is, he's not worthy of being called your father. What does he know about love ?
The house is YOURS, legally and morally, and maybe you even over-paid him for it. He has no say whatever in what you choose to do with it or who you choose to invite to live in it.
Yes, what he said can't be unsaid, but it doesn't need to be unsaid - he is invalid, and his comments must not be allowed to hurt - they're the rude noises made by a mean, ugly and cruel old man trying to hurt you by saying untrue but hurtful things.
You really have nothing to lose by excluding such an unpleasant person from your lfie. A counsellor can help you to move on and leave him behind in your dust.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Caro | 2011/11/01

I wrote my mother off as well for calling me all those things and so much more that she has done to me since childhood. Believe me, in the long run you will be better off wthout that kind of poison in your life. Go see a someone to talk it through. You will realise that you made the right decision. I forgive my mother but I relaise now too that forgiveness does not mean you have to let the abusr back into your life. You''ve wished them well. They are too small to do the same for you. Let them go.
And if it doesnt work out with your boyfriend - I hope it does - dont let them backe either because they wont be there to support you but to say we told you so.
Make your own life. Get friends. Sometimes the relationships we choose are better than the one''s we are born in to.

Not easy but you''ve done your bit. Rest assured in that knowledge. All the best.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Heather | 2011/10/31

Sorry for your trouble- your father sounds like he is being completely unreasonable... Is your father a religious man that he thinks that you are a whore for living with a man unmarried? Does he drink that he SMSed you at that odd time of night? Those are the only two reasonable (not acceptable though) answers I can give for his actions.

Do your sisters like your boyfriend? Is it possible that, because they are now angry that they have to PAY to live somewhere, that they are " brainwashing"  your father to some extent? Do you think your father is humiliated by being kicked out the house and having to go live in the flat?

There are so many questions you can ask, but really I wouldn''t bother... if he''s been living rent free in the house since you bought it, what has he done with the money? If you are such a bad daughter, you could have easily charged rent... he just sounds like a proud, ungrateful man.

Reply to Heather
Posted by: Romany | 2011/10/31

Your father is achieving his objective.... to freak you out, to make you sad and unhappy.
You did nothing wrong. You paid him his dues, you gave your siters enough time to find their own feet.
It is time for you and your happiness now.
Move on. He will come around and realise hom stupid he was.
You cannot live in guilt.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/31

If your father really is that mean, ungrateful and stupid, he is really not much of a loss, though of course this may feel very different to you at first. He has failed to bother to provide for himself and his family, and has depended on your kindness and generosity for a long time. who you choose to form a relationship with, or sleep with it utterly NON of his business, and its outrageous that he feels entitled to intefere, let alone to do so, so rudely.
And yes, of course, your sisters are adults with every chancwe and duty to provide for themselves rather than sponge on you. They should be ashamed for having stayed so long and without thanking you and recopgnizing how much they owe you.
Ignore his mean and cruel words, but accept his only sensible suggestion - that you not waste your tgime contacting him again. Leave him to himself. Of course it's nonsense that you're not worthy of being called his daughter ( who on earth does he imagine he is ? ) - the truth is, he's not worthy of being called your father. What does he know about love ?
The house is YOURS, legally and morally, and maybe you even over-paid him for it. He has no say whatever in what you choose to do with it or who you choose to invite to live in it.
Yes, what he said can't be unsaid, but it doesn't need to be unsaid - he is invalid, and his comments must not be allowed to hurt - they're the rude noises made by a mean, ugly and cruel old man trying to hurt you by saying untrue but hurtful things.
You really have nothing to lose by excluding such an unpleasant person from your lfie. A counsellor can help you to move on and leave him behind in your dust.

Reply to cybershrink

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