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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/05/14

hurt

Dear CS
I am feeling so low this week, especially today and am trying to come to grips with my inner turmoil and hurt and really dont know how I should handle it so am hoping that i can get some direction from you. I am a single mother to 2 sons both in their 20''s. I have put the 1st one thru varsity and he is now working and the other one is in his last year. As a mother, I feel I have done everything that I could for them and have assisted them financially by buying them each cars (albeit it 2nd hand ones) and when the elder one re-located to JHB for his job, I paid for the move and bought him everything that he would possibly need just so that he could start on a good footing and not want for anything and put himself under any sort of pressure. Because I am unable to write everythign down, this is only the tip of the iceberg what I have done for these kids. Mother''s day came and went on Sunday and neither one went out of their way for me - the older one was in CT for the weekend for some function of his and I had to pay for his return flight on Sunday morning because the function he attended where he was supposed to make money did not pan out as planned...The other one slept at his gf on Saturday evening and arrived home after 12 on Sunday morning after spending Mother'' day breakfast with the gf parents. I was left alone. When I voiced my disappointment at them they actually took offence and since then the message I get is that I do what i do for them so that I can be a martyr and it''s like I enjoy them being in difficulty and then get pleasure out of helping them out? Besides that I was also angry because while I was overseas between the 2 of them they each got a fine on my car and did''nt pay it or even tell me about it!!! Since then they are ignoring me and I am so, so hurt at this. I have decided that enough is enough and am stopping all aid immediately, but I need to deal with my hurt and dont know how - I have shut down like I always do when I am hurt and am ignoring them as well but I dont want to deal with it like this - I need some real guidance so that I can heal and get over this. Your help is appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You have done more than it is reasonable to expect of you, for your sons, and should feel proud of your achievements. It is natural to feel so disappointed at how selfishly and thoughtlessly they forgot to acknowledge any sense of gratitude for all you have done. Maybe you have done so much, without letting them see how had it has been for you to achieve this, that they have come to take it all for granted. You may have spared them so much of the work involved in caring for themselves, that they don't realize how much is involved. For instance, the one who went fruitlessly to Cape Town - should have checked it out better beforehand, and should have carried the costs entirely by himself. If he could not, himself, have aforded all the scosts, he should not have gone.
If mom will always pick up the bill, why bother to be careful and sensible ?
For them to have expectd you to pay car fines for them without even discussing it is outrageous. They should not be driving your car at all - don't they have cars of their own ?
So you are entirely right to stop all aid at once - that is now the most useful and loving thing you can do for them.
Inadvertently, you led them to underestimate and under-appreciate all you did - now, having to take proper care of themselves ( and stick to your resolve, and refuse to rescue them should they get themselves into other messes ) they will have a chance to learn reality at last.
Now devote more time and attention to caring for yourself

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: I understand | 2010/05/14

They are very ungrateful and take you for granted..There is nothing absulety wrong with you cutting them of financially, they need to grow up, u have done more that enough.

Focus on urself now, do things for urself now, enjoy ur money and let them work hard for themselves and make their own lives.

Reply to I understand
Posted by: anon | 2010/05/14

Thanks guys :) I just need to stay strong...

Reply to anon
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/05/14

I have nothing new to add to what CS said, but I do want to urge you to stick to your guns! Don''t feel bad / sorry in a day or two and then revert back to the same old routine. Those boys need a wake-up call, and you''re the only one who can give it to them!!

All the best. :)

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/14

You have done more than it is reasonable to expect of you, for your sons, and should feel proud of your achievements. It is natural to feel so disappointed at how selfishly and thoughtlessly they forgot to acknowledge any sense of gratitude for all you have done. Maybe you have done so much, without letting them see how had it has been for you to achieve this, that they have come to take it all for granted. You may have spared them so much of the work involved in caring for themselves, that they don't realize how much is involved. For instance, the one who went fruitlessly to Cape Town - should have checked it out better beforehand, and should have carried the costs entirely by himself. If he could not, himself, have aforded all the scosts, he should not have gone.
If mom will always pick up the bill, why bother to be careful and sensible ?
For them to have expectd you to pay car fines for them without even discussing it is outrageous. They should not be driving your car at all - don't they have cars of their own ?
So you are entirely right to stop all aid at once - that is now the most useful and loving thing you can do for them.
Inadvertently, you led them to underestimate and under-appreciate all you did - now, having to take proper care of themselves ( and stick to your resolve, and refuse to rescue them should they get themselves into other messes ) they will have a chance to learn reality at last.
Now devote more time and attention to caring for yourself

Reply to cybershrink

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