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Question
Posted by: hurting but furious | 2008/08/11

Humiliated and confused

hi Doc,
i dated a guy for 5years, we had a long distance relationship for most of that time because he had a new work a few km' s away and i was at university. we have been broken up once but got back together. we discussed marriage and how everything would be then. then, when i finished my studies in november the topic of where i would work came up and he suggested that i had to work for a year in the city and then move to him, obviously i was willing to move to his town instantly. then came december, he bought us the biggest, most expensive christmas presents ever and we had a bit of a tiff over christmas about him being under-emotional and him saying i was over-emotional. nonetheless we talked it out and went on. a week before I started my job in the city he phoned me late one evening, ending our 5year relationship over the phone saying that he wasn' t ready to commit and doesn' t want to marry ever. Later I found out that he had indeed cheated on me and left me for another girl (his sister' s boyfriend' s sister). This girl is still studying via distance learning and not working part time or anything and all he ever went on about was how a woman should be independent. And now 6 months down the line I found out this weekend that he' s engaged to this girl and moving here to jhb. How do you deal with that? How do you explain commitment phobic and engagement within 6 months? I was fine, but after the engagement news it broke me all over again. Did i not mean anything to him in the 5years to just move on like that? And why lie about the reason of breaking up?

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Our expert says:
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Relationship counselling would have seemed like a good idea --- if you could both end up in the same place at the same time. But then he doubly cheated, both with this other woman, and then by lying about the reason for the breakup. He was lying about not wanting a committment or marriage --- he just didn't for whatever reason, want to make a committment to you. This must all be very sad for you, but if you look at it closely, he has revealed himself to be someone you would not have been happy with, and who you are well rid of.

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Our users say:
Posted by: a friend | 2008/08/11

he fell out of love,due to the distance..he didnt know how to tell you cuz he was some what afraid that he had fallen out of love.long distance relationships seldom work,one person meets some other person and the heart drifts. i dont think he inteneded it to happen,but it did..the lies were said due to confusion on how to handle the situation and how it would hurt you,so he kinda lied to protect your feelings,which in the end hurt you more..i know he is wrong,but would you rather live the lie whilst he one day breaks your heart at the alter?? i think this is the common case of,hurt now..thank for it later, cuz you will meet someone better,he wasnt meant to be yours.

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