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Question
Posted by: Tina | 2009-09-18

Huge guilt over Ex (2)

Dear Cyb' s

I meant how are doing in general? How are you?

Yes, you understand me 100% and I agree with what you are saying. He was sitting at home and I had 2 jobs at one time, its just that at the time he was " in-between"  contracts.

Yes to the other lady that wrote in - his smoking became a phenomenol issue and I told him that its a clear indication that he does not care for my well-being. He said all the studies show that the big thing over secondary smoke is nonsense. I said I don' t need any study - I know my chest and its all I need to know. Smoke burns my sinuses and irritates my chest. Its a major reason why we broke up.

I guess after 11 years it is hard and I do feel like I am tossing him into the wild. He says he understands and I must not worry.

But, who cannot worry about someone that does not have a stable job or anywhere to go?

And yes, I told him to find a job whatever it is. I said even R5000pm (he has delusions of grandeur) is R5000 you don' t have now and it will certainly keep you going. He could get a job in a store since he does have building and hardware experience. At one time it was successful but when the NCA came into effect his customers applications for loans and second bonds were declined. Few people had or have money to pay cash for building or renovations so he limps along. He mentions his bad back and his inability to speak Afrikaans as stumbling blocks but I told him lesser people than you have jobs.

So yes, I am making a new life for myself and I guess the guilt will pass over. I think I am just used to looking after him when he does not really deserve it entirely. My mom on the other hand does.

Tina

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I never have enough time to do in general.
Yes, waiin for contracts was a brilliant excuse for not actually doing anything. Like ontracts usually arrive and knock on the door. And if he could afford smoking, he could afford to contribute far more to the household expenses, instead.
Even if he turns this opportunity into a disaster, do NOT accept the invitation to feel in any way responsible for it or guilty at all. His life is, as it should always have been, in his hands. Maybe he should seek work at Builders Warehouse, or some such store where his knowledge and skills could be a real asset to customers.
Guilt is a habit which needs to be broken

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jake | 2009-09-18

I am not sure i agree, in my books - it will depend. My question is this, if it were you what would he have done. Answering that would tell you whether or not you made the right decision. I reckon it is a bad time to ask one to stop smoking- especially when they are not working....not working is a streneuos than what most people think and if you spoke to people who smoke - they will tell you that it relaxes them - whether that is good or bad is not of importance here.

I ordinarily agree with CS but this time, i think he is wrong. He is trying to ease your guilt and that is his job. But you know your relationship better than anyone - and you know your spouse more than we ever can, for example - being in between jobs is not a myth, you know it, CS knows and so do most people. We are in a recession, I doubt anyman enjoys being unemployed - it is spirit killing and disempowering and the last thing that could ever happen to a person like that is losing someone you based your life and hopes on.

I understands, he will souldier on as a man, he is probably trying to safe the little intergrity he has left. You don' t really believe that his smoking caused you to break up with him, it was the quickest and easiest reason that you thought made sense.

with regard to smoking the, question is - what did you do to help or did you just tell him to stop. Do you think, if he could by himself he could not have. There are thousands of people who are struggling with smoking- for example Barak Obama, smoke at some point and he had to stop, remember Mbeki, smoke.

The real reason you broke up with him is because he broke and that' s why you feel guilty. let me give you a simple example - when you asked him to get a job- you gave him a minimum of R 5000 which is not little hey, if you knew how much people of such skills are paid you would understand.

You are right over time you will move on and probably forget him but he won' t - he will carry that to the next girlfriend and the next and the next. Sorry CS you have this one wrong.

Reply to Jake

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