Posted by: shocked | 2012-07-30

hubbys past

I recently found out that my husband has a bit of a homosexual past. Before he met me,he had given a few bj''s to guys. He gave his first bj at a very young age, it was actually abuse, but he gave quite a few in high school,and only twice after school, he never received, as he said that only giving excited him. We are married for over 10 years now, for me to find this out has come as quite a shock, he felt he needed to come clean, he should have before we got married, and had children. Now I have to deal with this past, and I am now suspicious of what he is thinking when he masturbates, which is whenever I am on, as he has a very high sex drive. He is faithful, and has never done anything while we have been married, but of course it is a worry, if he used to enjoy a penis, how can I be sure that he still doesnt have a desire to do this again, he says he was never attracted to men, only that he liked the oral thing, absoloutely nothing else. When we have sex, he likes to go down on me afterwards, and loves kissing me after I have given him a bj, I never thought anything before, but now I wonder all the time, I even included some bi porn to see his reaction, and he was definately aroused, should I send him for councilling, this is so hard to come to terms with, anyone out there with a similar experience

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

He does not need the counselling - you do. He came clean and that is something you must appreciate. Unless he expressed the desire to go back to those practices, you have to get your mind made up. If he gave you no reason in the past, why do you worry now? You mentioned abuse - there are a large number of people out there who are adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Perhaps he was and it was his way of dealing with it by sharing the burden with you. Do not "test" him, talk to him and then accept he good will.
DEidre - SASHA

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Our users say:
Posted by: angel | 2012-08-04

people mense pls why are you writting novels to the woman lol

Reply to angel
Posted by: Magriet | 2012-08-01

Nooo way! You girls are better people than me. I would not allow it and it would disgust me to the core.

I will never be able to look at my husband in the same way. That would be the end of my marriage that is for sure.

Reply to Magriet
Posted by: experience | 2012-08-01

Dear shocked, this exact scenario came up in my marriage, I said I wanted to see him do it, he was so excited and brought a well hung friend home, but sharing the penis with me, and doing it with me watching seemed to put him off the whole thing, he admitted it was not like he remembered, and he would never do anything like that again. I could tell by the look on his face when the guy ejaculated in his mouth, that he didnt really get off on it, as he may have when he was younger. After I had sex with him in front of his friend, I got his friend ready for a 2nd round, while my husband watched me give him a blow job, which took forever, but I thought fair is fair, so I let his friend fondle me, and go down on me as well, all this really woke my husband up to his ridiculous fantasy, and now he is well over the thought, so I am happy, it all worked out well, and our sex life is now better than ever, and will forever be, just the 2 of us.

Reply to experience
Posted by: anon | 2012-08-01

I have the exact same experience, my husband told me one day when we were discussing fantasies, that he would like to try oral with a man, also just giving, and he wanted to do it with me present, this was a huge decision for me, but I thought it would be better for him to try, then to live with the wonder, I also appreciated how difficult it would have been for him to be so honest with me, so I decided to help him find someone, which we did, and we both ended up enjoying the experience, and it satisfied his urge, and I think I enjoyed it more than him, and the sex afterwards was great, but we had decided that it would be a once off experience only. Be happy that he has been so honest with you, and help him with that, in your case your husband has enough experience, maybe just once off with you, then he must get over it, and you would have done him a favour, and yourself a favour, you will also get to join in, and maybe enjoy yourself. But please discuss all this before, and make it clear, that you know he has done this often, so it is not an experiment, but you are helping him get over his fantasy, and everything must be open and honest.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Joe | 2012-07-31

We are married for over 15 years. I was almost in the same position 5 years ago when my wife told me that she was in a lesbian relationship for 2 years while being at Varsity (before she met me). I was also shocked at the time but quickly managed to deal with it. The whole episode actually strengthened our relationship as a result of her honesty. I now know that my wife will trust me with anything and I have complete trust in her. It took the communication in our relationship to a new level. From what you are writing you do trust your husband and with him telling you, you should take that trust to a new level and use it to improve your relationship.

Reply to Joe
Posted by: Gracie | 2012-07-30

We ALL have a past (and some skeletons in our closets too) - your husband just chose to share his with you!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: anon | 2012-07-30

I think its great that he has shared his secret with you, and you should trust him, I think if you could open your mind to this part of his life, and be able to accept him for who he is, a loving faithful husband, then so what is he gets a bit of a kick from a penis, he is obviously straight, and you may be the one that made him straight, so be thankful.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Dids | 2012-07-30

It was in the past. And he made a mistake of telling you. He shouldn''t have. Now you will obsess about it.

Let it go.

Reply to Dids
Posted by: XXX | 2012-07-30

This issue has previously come up on this forum.Personally I don''t understand how a hetrosexual male would want to receive or give another male a bj.
If you are confident that he is faithful to you (male and/or female) and this has not happened for many years,then I think you should try and forget the past and just appreciate the fact that he loves you (as difficult as it may be).
Good luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Diego | 2012-07-30

Dear shocked. This will only be a problem if you make it a problem. If you are going to obsessively worry about it, like you already am (what is he thinking when he masturbates, what arouses him, etc etc etc.) you are firstly going to make yourself crazy, and secondly, you are going to damage your relationship - hopefully not beyond repair. Firstly, it is in his past. Secondly, so what if the thought still arouses him? Is it really such a big deal? Because the flipside of the coin here is this. Firstly, whether it arouses him or not, he married you, had kids, and stayed with you. Secondly, he trusts you enough to share something THIS personal with you - which means he must love you a lot. And if you are going to return his trust with suspicion and mistrust, he will never trust you again. He did not have to tell you, ever, and you would have been none the wiser. But he did, which means he wants to be open and honest with you. If he wanted to cheat, then why would he have told you at all? What does it really matter in the end if he is aroused by it? Humans are complex sexual beings, and just because some thing is foreign to you does not mean it is wrong. I think you should firstly calm down about it, and be thankful that he loved you enough to share with you. But you guys should also communicate around this, so that you can both grow, and understand each other better. And with that said, I think it would be great if you both can see a therapist together. Not because you have a " problem"  but because you need some guidance how to deal with this together and grow from it. I realise it is not easy for you at all, why would it be. But have you stopped and though about how difficult this is for him too, and what courage it took from him to share this with you? All the best

Reply to Diego
Posted by: anon | 2012-07-30

your hubby made a mistake telling you, his past is just that his past, and even if he did have the occassional fantasy, he is faithful to you, so help him, be open, and not shocked, this is more common than you might realise

Reply to anon

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