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Question
Posted by: Nkoko | 2009/10/19

Hubby giving away money to his family

My husband likes giving money to his family without consulting with me first. When we still lived in South Africa he used to do it all the time and when I complained he' ll get very defensive. We had an agreement that anything more than R350 we need to discuss. Now we live abroad and he still does it. I once found a receipts in his work receipts he left on the table that he had sent money home without talking to me about it. And before then I asked him more than once if he' s been sending money home and he said no. I' ve suspected but I didn' t have any proof until I found the receipt. He was sorry after I confronted him but he still doing it. Yesterday he took one of his friends to the airport and when he came back he said oh I forgot to give him money to give to my sister, something he never even mentioned to me before taking his friend to the airport. It makes me feel unimpportant, disrespected, like i' m invisible. I don' t like it and I' ve expressed myself before that I don' t know how to tackle this issue anymore. Should I do the same thing to him?? Any advice?? I' m tired

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Doing the same thing to him, while maybe a temporarily tempting idea, won't solve the problem at all, and indeed would give him a reason to feel entirely justified in continuing to do this, on the basis that you do it, too.
Isn't this something you need to sit down caplmy and discuss together, with the assistance of either a senior family member or friend, ro a family counsellor, to sort it out ? Obviously he feels both that he needs to support his family and that he is justified in doing so ; he probably feels justified in not telling you about it "to avoid the fuss you'd make about it". The real issues are more about what you as a couple can afford in the way of supporting his family and yours, what the families NEED as opposed to WANT, and the important issue of trust, and mutually agreeing on things like this which affect both of you, and not doing things behind each other's backs.
Maybe its his family, but the money earned within a marriage is for the benefit of both of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/20

I cant understand why he has to hide it from you. You need to discuss it with him again and explain that you care about his family but you would like to be informed if he plans on sending money home.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Really | 2009/10/20

When two people are married, they are supposed to make critical decisions together. I think that he is not being fair by not disscussing the fact that he will be sending money to his with you, especially after you had both agreed to it. I totally understand why you are upset and why it bothers you.

However, it would be unfair for you to expect that he should not offer support to his family, especially if they really need it. He should discuss it with you and unfortunately, the decision to send money home will lie entirely with him, it is his family afterall. What is concerning is that will this or is this responsibility of his affecting both your financial wellbeing. Does he sacrifice your needs (both yours and his) to support his family? I say, as long as he is financially meeting his financial responsibility towards your household, and you are meeting yours, then there should not be any issues, but the two of you will still need to discuss it.

Speak to him, and ask him how he would feel if the roles where reversed and you sent money to your family without his consent?

I hope that the situation will change when you guys have kids and that he will not put the family' s financial burden over you.

Talk to him and let him know how you feel.

All the best!

Reply to Really
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/10/20

Doing the same thing to him, while maybe a temporarily tempting idea, won't solve the problem at all, and indeed would give him a reason to feel entirely justified in continuing to do this, on the basis that you do it, too.
Isn't this something you need to sit down caplmy and discuss together, with the assistance of either a senior family member or friend, ro a family counsellor, to sort it out ? Obviously he feels both that he needs to support his family and that he is justified in doing so ; he probably feels justified in not telling you about it "to avoid the fuss you'd make about it". The real issues are more about what you as a couple can afford in the way of supporting his family and yours, what the families NEED as opposed to WANT, and the important issue of trust, and mutually agreeing on things like this which affect both of you, and not doing things behind each other's backs.
Maybe its his family, but the money earned within a marriage is for the benefit of both of you.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: anon | 2009/10/19

First of all you are angry because he has deceived you. He lied to you. I want to ask you why you feel threatened and angry by him sending money to his family?

Perhaps this is something he enjoys doing? Perhaps he is concerned with their welfare? Before you met him, he had his family. The saying blood is thicker than water may apply here. Be careful not to push him away further, because he will continue doing it. It is his money and his family. If he were to take your money you earned and send it to his money, things may be different.

Perhaps he feels it is his responsibility to supplement their income. This is not unusual with children helping family members out financially, especially in todays economic climate.

Sounds like he is a very considerate generous man.

You will only alienate him further if he argue with him.

You need to remain calm and talk about things.

Ask yourself why you are angry?

Reply to anon

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