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Question
Posted by: Need advice | 2012/11/12

Hubby &  wife watching porn in marriage

Hi there

I have a moral dilemma - I have virtually NO sex drive and hubby has no problem on his side. I want to be physical with him but just don''t get aroused.
We have discovered that watching a bit of porn together arouses me - the only problem is : I have recently renewed my relationship with God and my gut feel is that even if we are doing it within the marriage and only between the two of us - that it is still wrong as the act on the movie is a sin of the flesh and not condoned by God. I really want to live a life pleasing to God and my doctor and therapist have both told me its fine if its within the marriage but I need confirmation from a fellow christian - although I think I already know the answer.

I really want to renew the intimate relationship with my husband just dont know how when I cannot get aroused by him. PS : We''ve tried several times without porn, just using sensual massage but I still end up fustrated as the smallest thing can turn off my arousal. we also don''t watch porn on a regular basis either. But as a result of other issues (recently victim of armed robbery) and as well as no libido - we maybe make love once a month and that''s because I keep trying to see if we can manage without the visual stimulation. Also, is using a vibrator wrong in terms of Christianity? (being used in an intimate way as a couple not just me by myself)
Sorry I know its a bit graphic but I just dont know who to ask who can either confirm for me in terms of the religious code or what...

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Our expert says:
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On a religious issue ( not exactly the same as a moral issue ) you might need to consult a religious leader in whatever your faith is. Many people would not consider this a moral problem, as this is something between the pair of you, within marriage, and serves to encourage and help an important part of your marriage. Dont you think that God would want you to enjoy a more fulfilling sexual relationship with your own husband ?
So far as I know, vibrators were not around in biblical times, so the Bible obviously doesn't comment on them, and indeed I think it speaks more of the issues of intentions and the meanings of one's acts rather than specific instruments used. Dildos were around very early on, and I havent seen any specific prohibitions against them.
I would however suggest that you get a full medical and psych check-up to discover why you apparently have no libido, or very little, as this isn't usual, and can often be due to any of a wide range of problems, gynae, psychological, or related to a whole number of physical illnesses, from Depression to low thyroid states and many others. Such causes can usually be cleared up fairly easily, and may relieve the problem altogether. After-effects of the trauma of the armed robbery may be very relevant.
I suspect that imaginative use of CBT methods could help you be less distractible in these situations, which seems to be part of the problem you are describing.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Need Advice | 2012/11/14

Thanks for all your comments.
@A Christian - thank you most of all, I dont want to against what I feel in my gut would be unacceptable to God - I will try what you have suggested, in the meantime I have been praying that God will help us restore our intimate relationship - we also want to start a family so its really important for that reason as well as being able to physically express my love.

Reply to Need Advice
Posted by: A christian | 2012/11/12

Dont go against what your conscience is telling you is wrong. The bible does tell us to flee from sexual immorality - in any form and watching ponorgraphy is sexually immoral. God created sex between a husband and wife to be an expression of physical love and giving of one self to the other. The kind of sex in porn is so far removed from that.

I have the same problem as you have and it has been like that since I got married. My husband is a great lover and a good husband and he is doing nothing wrong what so ever. The problem is not him, it is my desire levels.

The following has helped me.
I remind myself that my body does not belong to me alone. It belongs to God and to my huband.
I remind myself that making love to my husband is loving him and it means that I do it because I love him and not because I feel like it. I do many things because I love my kids/others that I might not feel like but because I love them, I desire to put their needs above mine.
I find that going very long between sex is not good for me - I feel less and less like it the longer I dont.
My husband has learnt to expect less from me in that department and appreciate that my love and commitment for him is shown in many other ways - so he uses self control in his own desires as well, putting me above him.

It has been very hard - I wish with all my heart that I wanted and needed sex much more than I do. But I dont, and I have to still be obedient and pray and ask God to help me love my husband physically. I almost never feel like sex, so often when my huband wants sex, we start with him giving me clitoral stimulation until I am aroused.

Please dont buy into the worlds philosphy that sex is everything and everyone is going about it like rabbits. It is not true. Sex is important and has a valuable place in marriage, but it is not everything. I have had to tell my hubby that he must just ask when he needs or wants sex and I have undertaken to say yes everytime. We have a wonderful marriage depsire not having sex as much as everyone else seems to.

Keep it your aim to please God.

Reply to A christian
Posted by: two-stone | 2012/11/12

Hi
Ok, I am not the world''s best Christian, but also not the worst. It is obvious that you are a very moral person, and that you love and respect the sanctity of marraige as well as respect your Husband. Also, it is obvious that your faith is very important to you. My belief is this - as long as what you and your Husband do is acceptable 100% to you both, it is 100% acceptable in your faith. If watching porn makes you lust after your Husband, and not some strange guy in the movie, or some other guy you may know, it is, in my opinion perfectly acceptable. I admire you and your approach so much. You and your husband deserve each other and a happy marraige. Stop worrying, and enjoy!!

Reply to two-stone

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