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Question
Posted by: Joan | 2011/09/24

Hubby a cheat

My husband &  I went out for 3yrs then we got married last yr. He is currently working full time &  studying partime. He never has time for me. I went through his cellphone &  found an sms it said '' lets jst study &  forget about love. I loved you very much &  you hurt me so bad, I dont want to go through that pain again.'' There r other smses from different numbers without names with ''I miss love''.I feel so angry &  I want to know the truth but if I confront him he might deny things. I want to know whats going on because I wont stay with some1 who cheats. How do I go about getting the truth?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he's working fulltime and studying part-time, its surely very likely he has no time for ANYONE< including you. Marriage is a big step, but it doesn't automatically create more time than there is. Your snooping in his phone ( alweays creates the problem that revealing what you discovered also reveals you were snooping ) discovered what sounds like a previous relationship, which apparently he stopped when he married you. And for God's Sake, people STOP THINKING YOU HAVE TO "CONFRONT"EACH OTHER - any counsellor or psychobabbler who recommends "confrontation" as a useful response to most situations should be tied up and confronted for several years.
It sounds as though it would be hard for you to ignore what you have discovered, so you will need to TALK about it, NON-confrotnationally ( confrontation immediately drops the chances of learnin anything useful or of healing the relationship ).
YOu don't mention the dates of the messages you found - does it appear as though these were responses from someone he had told NOT to continue a relationship ( whether an affair or not ) - and does it appear these may be about him ending it at the time of the marriage or after it ?
As Mr Practical suggests, was there other evidence DURING the marriage or close to it, of him being away, and spending time with someone else ? Maybe this was someone in his class at studies, who he was seeing at the same time ; maybe it was a real affair on his part, or merely something she wanted and he resisted.
Simply choose a good time, when nothing much else is going on and you will have undisturbed time together, and talk about whatever reason you had to be trawling in his phone, maybe that you were feeling neglected and worried, and the messages you found, and that you don't want to jump to conclusions, but that you really need him to explain to you what they represent, and what had been going on. He may or may not tell you some or the whole truth, but "confrontation" will get you less, not more.
I don't agree with Mr Practical about a Lie Detector test, as they are far from infallible ( that's why their results are NOT allowed in court ) - they shopw arousal, and someone very upset about being falsely accused, or about an upsetting situation which bothers him but isn't quite what you think, may test positive.
You could explore the other numbers you found, and at least check who they belong to.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/26

From my side, I would say, do not approach hubby or even show in any way that you are suspicious, get the numbers if you can, get hold of a Private detective and you will have phone records, SMS''s and anything else you need in a couple of days.
ONLY THEN approach him. Men NEVER admits ubnless faced with concrete evidence.
It is a horrible thing you are facing now but believe me, you HAVE TO sort this out now and in the proper way, you do not want to be 50 years old with a cheting husband.....
Good ,uck

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Mr Practical | 2011/09/25

It all depends, in my opinion. on how badly you want to find out what is going on. I really do not wish to haqve a confrontation with CS, as I am not a professional in that field, but I have a different approach.
My feeeling is that if you are unhappy with a situation you should face it head on. There is little point in making out that you are just casually interested in something that you are seriously worried about.
Again, I must differ from CS regards Polygraphing. Yes it IS an " in you face"  approach, and yes, not recognised in SA courts as indisputable prroof, but believe me, and here I have many years experience, if you go that route there is NO doubt, you will find the truth. The reference to ones emotional state affecting the result, but this is taken into account at the time of the test. A response from a professional poligrapher will assist here.

Reply to Mr Practical
Posted by: Bell | 2011/09/24

If you can get to his phone again, try take pictures of the SMS''s with your phone/ camera so there''s no denying it. Take down the numbers of the girls and confront them (and ask for their names). Then confront your husband. He may just admit it, he may deny. If he denies, you have proof that you''ve spoken to ''Jessica'' or ''Megan'' or whatever their names are. I am so sick of men and women that do this, no respect for their partners- at least have the decency to delete the messages! If he wants to ''make things work'', make him phone each and everyone of those girls in front of you and make him tell them he never wants to speak or see them again. He has to grovel and do things on your terms now.

Reply to Bell
Posted by: Mr Practical | 2011/09/24

Apart from what you have already discoverd,there are probably other indicators that you have not mentioned, out late with the " boys"  evasive answers, lack of interest in sex, etc. If you feel you have a good case based on the history of your relationship, approach him and ask him directly what he is up to.

My guess he will deny it all and spin you a story, BUT if you are STILL not happy get him to take a lie detector test in which YOU determine what questions you want the examier to ask him. Do not leave it up to the examiner to make up the questions because he won''t know specifics that you do and that will sink your hubby as a cheater. You cannot bulls..t a polygraph !!

If he refuses, saying that you don''t trust him etc etc you will have your answer. He will probably agree, thinking he can beat the polygraph, but I can guarantee you, if he is guilty, he WILL go down !!

Reply to Mr Practical
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/24

If he's working fulltime and studying part-time, its surely very likely he has no time for ANYONE< including you. Marriage is a big step, but it doesn't automatically create more time than there is. Your snooping in his phone ( alweays creates the problem that revealing what you discovered also reveals you were snooping ) discovered what sounds like a previous relationship, which apparently he stopped when he married you. And for God's Sake, people STOP THINKING YOU HAVE TO "CONFRONT"EACH OTHER - any counsellor or psychobabbler who recommends "confrontation" as a useful response to most situations should be tied up and confronted for several years.
It sounds as though it would be hard for you to ignore what you have discovered, so you will need to TALK about it, NON-confrotnationally ( confrontation immediately drops the chances of learnin anything useful or of healing the relationship ).
YOu don't mention the dates of the messages you found - does it appear as though these were responses from someone he had told NOT to continue a relationship ( whether an affair or not ) - and does it appear these may be about him ending it at the time of the marriage or after it ?
As Mr Practical suggests, was there other evidence DURING the marriage or close to it, of him being away, and spending time with someone else ? Maybe this was someone in his class at studies, who he was seeing at the same time ; maybe it was a real affair on his part, or merely something she wanted and he resisted.
Simply choose a good time, when nothing much else is going on and you will have undisturbed time together, and talk about whatever reason you had to be trawling in his phone, maybe that you were feeling neglected and worried, and the messages you found, and that you don't want to jump to conclusions, but that you really need him to explain to you what they represent, and what had been going on. He may or may not tell you some or the whole truth, but "confrontation" will get you less, not more.
I don't agree with Mr Practical about a Lie Detector test, as they are far from infallible ( that's why their results are NOT allowed in court ) - they shopw arousal, and someone very upset about being falsely accused, or about an upsetting situation which bothers him but isn't quite what you think, may test positive.
You could explore the other numbers you found, and at least check who they belong to.

Reply to cybershrink

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