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Question
Posted by: boyfriend | 2008-11-26

how would you handle this

my gf is going through a tough time, she just completed her studies and she is from a very poor backround and she is helping with home imrpovements and raising the kids and taking her big sister to school and the likes,

i think that is very noble, and i support her. yesterday she told me how she is struggling to even buy herself clothes, her mother on the other hand a single mother, she has this unrealistic expectations, she wants her to reroof the house with tiles, cover the house with firstbricks, buy funiture for the house and in between still feed the kids....i am really feel for her...i am there so support her and try not to add to her frustrations, but i am afraid i don' t know how to advise her.

i am this bigger than life person who always positive and provide solutions, but this issue is sensitive because it is a family issue...probably my future family too and i dont want to disadvise her and at the same time i cannot just sit there and watch her suffer...

the thing is, i feel her mother should give her a break as she is doing her best, she is unable to meets her demands and if she tells her mother, her mother gets upset and angry as if she does not want to help.

Yesterday her mother hanged up on her because she is broke and cannot do what the mother wants....what is worse my gf is not working yet , she is an intern and will start working next year...she took her whole money she got back from her bursary gave it to her mother and still not enough.

I am very worried about her, she is even afraid to go home because of all this.

How do you suggest i can be more supportive, helpful

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like the others are being rather greedy, and unrealistic ( as people often are when they are spending someone ELSE'S money ) in wanting more than they need, and wanting it all at once. A mother can hope that her children will help her, but should not demand it nor turn nasty if she doesn't get everything she wants when she wants it --- that's treating her as a cash cow, not a daughter. Support this nice woman ( your gf ) and encourage her to be firmer with her mother --- to point out that this is HER money, and she will spend it as she pleases, and though she hopes to continue to help, the mother must stop being greedy and demanding, or the funds could get cut off. A nice daughter isn't an excuse for the mother and other children to do nothing to get work and raise funding for themselves.

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Our users say:
Posted by: boyfriend | 2008-11-26

Guys thanks, it is a relieve to know that i am not the only who feels this way...

Can you imagine if your mother hangs up on you for being broke or not being able to buy her all the things that she wants at once, imagine if the person wants all of this things now and even if you promise to buy them piece by piece SHE WANTS THEM NOW.

it gets to me to think "  a mother can hang up on a daughter"  my mother would never do that....gues i should be very greateful and pray that she will eventually change..

You know what is sick, i am worried that she won' t accept me not because of my behaviour just wanting to take her daughter away....selfish as this sounds , i do fear that this could happen..

Thanks again

Reply to boyfriend
Posted by: almost mad | 2008-11-26

The mother is selfish. I dont come from a home where there wasnt much money but till today my parents appreciate everything we do for them. They put us through university and we all have jobs. It really sucks that her mother is being unresonable. She is obviously not very understanding. Unless you gf is spending money lavishly, her mother has no right to be so demanding.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Soul | 2008-11-26

You are in a tough spot the only thing you can do is be supportive and understanding and just be there for her. I think you are being wonderful to her where most would have turned and walked away.

One thing I don' t understand is why does she have to take resposibility for her family why is her mother putting all this pressure and demand on her when it' s her family and her responsibility, she is the mother it is her job not her daughters. I feel her mother is taking advantage of your g/f and is being unrealistic and very selfish.

Reply to Soul

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