Posted by: P | 2009-07-09

How to save this relationship?

I met an incredible person 4 months ago and we started a romantic relationship 5 weeks ago. The beginning was beautiful but now he' s under pressure because of work and I don' t know how to support him, so he' s very frustrated and angry most of the time now. He doesn' t say anything to me, but I' ve heard he said recently that his job and his romantic life " suck" . I totally adore him, but most times I' m like frozen around him, never kiss him, never touch him, never say a word to make him feel better, and sometimes when he kisses me in public I look crossly (but not on purpose) and he asks if I am mad. I always have a feeling deep down that no one could possibly love me, so I freeze and find it hard to show how I truly feel. I only feel comfortable to be myself when we make love. He always treats me so well and waits hours for me to have pleasure too (maybe that' s the reason why his romantic life sucks, because it takes me hours). But he' s amazing, always caring and always making me feel comfortable with things of mine that I first think to be BIG problems and I' m afraid to tell him about. I really wish I' d have his heart, but he' s been in love before and sometimes I wonder if I' ll ever be good enough. In everything I do, I am plain disgusting. I never do what my heart tells me. I sound silly and cynical. And I don' t mean it. Then when I' m alone I tell myself I' m going to kill myself because I' ll never make anyone happy or be happy. But I don' t because I could never leave him alone to wonder if he had been the reason for my suicide. Besides, I need to be strong and support him now, not tell him how depressed I get.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

" I always have a feeling deep down that no one could possibly love me " --- this may be the core of the problem, including a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, which good CBT oriented counselling / therapy could help. Re-read your own message, about feeling so sure you are never good enough, and "disgusting" --- you're not, but feeling like that about yourself will create such problems. You probably already make more people happier than you give yourself credit for --- and you seem to see your sole purpose in life to be that of making other people happy, not feeling anyone has any duty to help you to be happy. As you recognize, suicide or even an attempt on your part could leave him damaged and painfully bothered for a very long time.
SOunds like the first step needs to be seeing a good shrink for a thorough assessment and probably treatment of your depression and negativity towards yourself, maybe with CBT counselling and perhaps medication as well.
Then, if there are any remaining issues between you, joint couples counselling could help sort those out, too

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: jessica | 2009-07-09

I am having difficulties to talk to my boyfriend so now he want us to break up and i dont know what to do to convice him or to show him that i really love him and i want him to stay .My problem is that i always keep quite and cant show him how much i appreciate him.So today he wants me to come over to his house and speak about this but i dont know what to say and how to say is.please help me to keep this relationship.

Reply to jessica
Posted by: Cinny | 2009-07-09

I know how you feel girl. I have had a few bad relations in the past. Am married now, but still find it very difficult to accept the fact that my husband loves me so much. I even know what you mean when you say you' re frozen around him. I am the same. When we were courting &  at the beginning of our marriage, I was actually the one who was so loving, affectionate, etc. Hubby was always stressed at work &  was always in such a bad mood &  he sometimes didn' t respond to me. I started feeling that he didn' t care as much &  started pulling away. I find it hard to be affectionate now. It' s not that I don' t love him, I do, but I just can' t seem to bring myself to feel affectionate.

Reply to Cinny
Posted by: God himself | 2009-07-09

I always have a feeling deep down that no one could possibly love me

I wonder if I'  ll ever be good enough. In everything I do, I am plain disgusting

You need to work on 2 issues 1) Rejections 2) Self belief

Reply to God himself

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