Posted by: zoo | 2008-11-17

how to save our relationship?

Back ground:
The man in my life I have known for 4 years as a friend, last year we decided to have a relationship. He has a 6 year old son out of a previous relationship. He started his own business which takes up all his time. I fell pregnant about 6 months after he moved in with me. Our daughter is now 6months old. So all happened with in a space of one year.

He was abused as a child, he refuses to tell me about it but I understand that this happened up to the age of 6 of which his mother left his real father and got married to his stepdad.

Until this year he didn’  t have any contact with his real father. He stayed over at his real father for about a week. After this things in our relationship started going down hill, to the point that he now left me. Blaming me for not accepting his son and blaming me for changing.

He says things like none of his relationships ever works out, blaming himself and the people around him, as he never had a good relationship with he mother, I think he still has issues with this mothers death who died 2 years ago, his father re-married and due to the new wife he has no contact with his stepdad. His long term relationship of 5years failed out of which his son was born. And now our relationship failed.

My question is could it be the trauma he went trough as a child making him doom every relationship, as it is my understanding that as a child never had therapy for the abuse but as a grown up he tried to go to therapy but stopped due to becoming very violent.
I don’  t know if I would be able to save this relationship for the sake of our child. Or should I rather just let go, I wish to help him, but I don’  t know how. any suggestions?

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Our expert says:
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Whether or not relaed to his troubling childhood, he sounds like a guy with significant problems which he is not coping with well, and not ready for a real relationship --- it was so unwise to have a child with someone like him before being certain the relationship was sound and lasting. Sounds as though he finds issues arising from his childhood experiences very disturbing, and maybe wasn't too expertly handled in therapy, such that he broke it off rather than persisting. He will need to work through this some time or other. I'm not sure whether you will be able to save the relationship on your own, and his potential for violence needs to be worrying.

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