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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/01/07

How to rebuild a life

I guess me posting here is sort of admitting that I am reaching a point soon of no return. Most nights now I wish I was dead, but am too concerned about my kid to bump myself off. Other times I think of bumping us both off –  would be easier for him and me, he would not need to grow up I this twisted harsh world. Where to begin… 
A few years ago I had an ok life, stay at home mom, son, financially secure. Then I lost everything. We were violently attacked in our house, and I was raped, tortured etc –  which no I never dealt with, but got over it by myself. Unfortunately my partner (not married) of 16 years left within a few months thereafter, and overnight I became a single mom. I got a reasonable job, moved in with my parents, and have wished every day since then that we were all killed that night, because living this life is just not happening for me.
When I decided to have a child through donor sperm, I had everything planned for my son. Top schools, relatively comfortable life, and I would be able to bring him up, stay at home until he was school going age, etc. Now I cant even offer him any of that.
I almost stabbed my ex partner the day he left, because I hated him so much and he just managed to push the right buttons –  I hate myself for even thinking that –  but I cant even get over him. 2 years have passed since he left –  he has a fancy house (our house), a fancy car, goes out and pretty much has a life. I battle to make ends meet never mind actually affording any luxuries –  and yet through two years of really bitter fighting, I still miss the companionship. I cant move on from our ended relationship (which is important to say did not only end because of the assault, but the assault was the final catalyst). This is the only serious relationship I have ever had, my entire adult life was spent with him, and future dating options are just not possible with anyone else. He was my first serious rls, and I would not even know how to start dating again. Yet in the same breathe, I hate him so much –  he took everything, pretty much leaving us with clothes and toys –  and I did not have a job at the time. He walks away with no responsibility, and cant even admit where I relationship failed –  but if I hate him so much, why do I still cry over him –  its not normal. A part of me thinks that I never even loved him , and that he was just nice to have around, but then how can I hate him…  its all just getting so confusing for me.

Because we are not married and my son is not his biological child - there is no chance of receiving financial support from him - and I dont want support from him.

I moved in with my parents through lack of alternatives. They are now raising my son, against all principles that I believe in. Its stupid things and I know that I should think myself as being lucky to have people to turn to, but this is not the life I wanted for my son, if my parents are to raise him, why bother even having a child. This was the child that I waited 12 years before having, the little boy that I would have done anything to have, and here I am now regretting that I have a child, because I don’  t want him to go through the same pain , or have to deal with the fact that I can not provide sufficiently for him. I waited so long to have him –  so that his childhood would be perfect, and now we live in a single room, share a single bed, and have absolutely nothing. Every hardship I have to deal with affects him - what life is that for him -its unfair, and knowing what I know now I should never have had him to live through this hell that he is now forced to live through.

I guess what I am looking for is someone to tell me how to move forward –  because I cant see a forward any more. Each day is a struggle waking up, each night is a wish to not have to wake up. I have lost all my friends, they were mutual between ex and I –  they went with him, and I went alone. I feel like I am this pressure cooker just waiting to explode –  because I actually cant cope with living anymore. I don’  t want to live anymore, and cant seem to find any form of something tangible to live for.

So yes, I am pretty messed in the head at this point, and I cant see a way out.
Has anyone gone through similar, and how do you pick yourself up afterwards… 

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Rick's and Phil's answers are good. It is important for us to learn from the past what will not be fruitful to repeat, but not to live in the past, basted by regrets, to an extent that makes it too hard to livve in the present and plan for the future.
You know well what will not be worth repeating. Let go o the ex - he is no longer relevant to your life, and dwelling on him ( yes he treated you shabilly, but continuing to brood about that gives him continued power over you and your well-being that you no longer deserve.
There is already much that is good which you provide for your child, and more which you will gradually be able to provide - children don't need perfection. An old friend of mine wrote many years back of the "good-enough mother", which is what we need, rather than a saintly and inlikely perfectionist who is reluctant to provide less than everything possible. You already give the child much more than you realize or appreciate.
Look for small opportunities for incremental improvements, each a progress, hiowever small in itself, towards a better situation. Look for and accept support - within the family, pwerhaps from friends, seek a counsellor, and consider groups like SADAG for support from people who have experienced similar situations.
You and your child both deserve the much better future you can build, and which you will build, if you allow yourself to do so.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Mandy | 2010/01/08

Hey
The others are right, you have to deal with what has happened(councelling), learn from it and move forward. You might not see or think it now, but try taking it 1 day at the time. Lots of love and HUGS to you. Wishing you and your son all the best

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Lou | 2010/01/07

Hi There -

Im sorry you are such a dark place last night but i want to tell you how lucky you are. You were violently assulted and YOU MADE it. Firstly you yourself have said that you have not dealt with that properly. You should do yourself a favour and really try go for trauma councelling. You have not moved on from the assualt, you have not gotten over it, and its time you do. Secondly you were blessed with this child, no matter how he/she was conceived. Do you know how many people struggle to fall pregnant naturally and then go the IVF route and it fails? Thirdly, you complain that your parents are raising the child. Have you ever heard the expression ' ' It takes a village to raise a child' ' , count yourself lucky, there are alot of people who dont have the privilage of having parents around to help out with their kids. There are really things you can to to kick start your life in the right direction. Go for councelling about the attack and the loss of the relationship. 2. Get a hoby 3. Get in contact with old friends, believe me in 2 years those mutual friends are so over what happened between you and the ex. And if they' re not then they were never true to begin with. I know you said that you cant make ends meet, but really start looking for other jobs. You will not believe what can happen in your life if you just change your thought processes.

There are little things you can do to up your self esteem but i think admitting that you need a therapist will be your first step. You could still be suffering from post traumatic trauma? Im not a shrink, but i do believe you can turn this around with all the help you have at home there is really no excuse.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Reply to Lou
Posted by: Rick | 2010/01/07

To really move forward you have to acknowledge the past, but not live in it, you have to find forgiveness in your heart for those who wronged you, that way you can release the hold your past has on you, which you can do nothing about.

Forgive and forget your ex, he is out of your life and doesnt give a hoot about you, understand that and stop giving him power over you, so what if he has a better life than you, it doesnt change your situation.

Focus on youself and your child, thats whats important.

I found much peace by praying and listening.

regards
Rick

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Phil | 2010/01/07

I actually didn' t want to respond, since I don' t think I am qualified to give you a decent answer. But, I won' t go into details but I do have some life experience - and not very nice experience.

My point, bad things has happened to you, and your life didn' t turn out the way you dreamt. It happens, to MANY people. And sorry, I' m not trying to be rude or make your pain less. Just saying that you are not alone, but this is life. And life is unfair.
So what you gonna do, lie down and die? No.

Firstly, GOD gave you that child. And love and the little things you now provide is what a child needs more then material things ok.
Secondaly, loosing a life partner of so many years does create the feelings you have now. Trust me. You just don' t have the strength to go on, never mind raisng a child alone. And you alos will only see the dark in life, and right now you are unable to see " any"  positive in life.

The past you can' t change, but the future you can. Firstly deal with the relationship and the pain from the past. This is holding you back from growing " your"  life and future. You have to do this. Ask GOD, and he WILL help you. He helped me 2.

Start by banning these thoughts of the past the moment you think about it. The thing is, if you have negative thoughts and think about the bad it almost " becomes"  you and who you are. If you slowly ban these thoughts and/or things from your mid/life and start by slowly filling your life with possitve things. Then slowly that is what you become accustom to. This can be small things like doing nice things that doesn' t cost money with your child. Remember that money can' t by TIME or LOVE. Then maybe do things for yourself to build your self esteem. It is a long process, so don' t expect changes over night. But I promise you, if you take my advice and baby steps, you will gradually begin to rise from that darh hole you are in.

All the best. Remember, the future is in your hands, and sometimes the smaller things in life has much more meening then the onces that cost a lot of money!

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/07

Rick's and Phil's answers are good. It is important for us to learn from the past what will not be fruitful to repeat, but not to live in the past, basted by regrets, to an extent that makes it too hard to livve in the present and plan for the future.
You know well what will not be worth repeating. Let go o the ex - he is no longer relevant to your life, and dwelling on him ( yes he treated you shabilly, but continuing to brood about that gives him continued power over you and your well-being that you no longer deserve.
There is already much that is good which you provide for your child, and more which you will gradually be able to provide - children don't need perfection. An old friend of mine wrote many years back of the "good-enough mother", which is what we need, rather than a saintly and inlikely perfectionist who is reluctant to provide less than everything possible. You already give the child much more than you realize or appreciate.
Look for small opportunities for incremental improvements, each a progress, hiowever small in itself, towards a better situation. Look for and accept support - within the family, pwerhaps from friends, seek a counsellor, and consider groups like SADAG for support from people who have experienced similar situations.
You and your child both deserve the much better future you can build, and which you will build, if you allow yourself to do so.

Reply to cybershrink

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