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Question
Posted by: Desperate | 2011/03/07

How to React to Husband''s Nasty Remarks?

Hi CS

I''m in recovery for an eating disorder - I was in treatment for 3 weeks and have been in recovery for more than 60 days. I''ve done so well in terms of being committed to staying well. I also had an alcohol addiction but I have not touched alcohol in over 13 months. My husband has been extremely supportive and understanding as he''s had to find out about all these ''secrets''.

The nature of my illness is to hide and manipulate. I hid my eating disorder from my husband for 5 yrs. He also didn''t know I was hiding alcohol from him. He''s understandably upset and feels betrayed.

The other day my husband said he doesn''t know what to believe and that he even thinks I might have stolen our laptops and sold them for money. We were actually robbed while we were sleeping and it was traumatic for me! I can''t believe he would question my integrity? I told him that I''ve only ever lied about my illness &  how sick I was but how could he even think that I would steal our laptops when we were actually robbed?

I have practiced empathy but where do I draw the line? Surely I cannot accept this? My self-esteem cannot be lower. I was so upset &  cried the entire weekend. I even questioned whether or not it would be easier for everyone if I just disappeared. I''m hiding my pain well now &  everything is " ok"  between me &  my husband but I''m not coping and in so much pain!

Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

To me, any really good treatment program for this sort of disorder MUST include some sessions for spouse and family, to deal with exactly the sort of issues you describe here. And to specifically help you deal with them when they arise.
OK, so you can see them as an aspect of the disorders you laboured under, but the fact is you DID deceive him, successfully, for some years, so he really DOESN'T know what was true and what was not. You need to again earn his trust by being trustworthy, and sharing open discussions about what's going on, so he can be on the same page from now on. Too catastrophic a response to an understandable even if factually unfair criticism, doesn't help you.
No simple program that then dumps you on your own is competent treatment - surely you are still seeing a shrink to work on the task of remaining well and getting weller ? Discuss this with him. A CBT-type approach should be being used, to prevent and stop the pain you now feel ( but really don't have to feel ), raher than learning to "hide" it as you describe doing. Hiding your pain is a different way of being false, to yourself and to your husband. And disappearing would be an act of massive cruelty to him and to yourself. Work with a therapist.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/07

Look, bottiom line is (Wheter it is an illness or not) Your husband has been lied to and deceived. He will not trust you until you win the trust back.
Cope with it and try and understand how he must be feeling.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: 2 THINK ABOUT...... | 2011/03/07

Quote l cannot believe he would question my integrity?
Reread your post slowly and carefully and see if honestly you cannot understand his point of view.

Also everything is not okay between your hubby and you, as you state, hence your posting - couples counceling asap.

Reply to 2 THINK ABOUT......
Posted by: Vaal Donkie | 2011/03/07

You will have to regain his trust.

Reply to Vaal Donkie
Posted by: Mzulu | 2011/03/07

Accept that these are the consequences of your deception and deal with it.I dont blame him and so shouldn''t you.

Reply to Mzulu
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/07

To me, any really good treatment program for this sort of disorder MUST include some sessions for spouse and family, to deal with exactly the sort of issues you describe here. And to specifically help you deal with them when they arise.
OK, so you can see them as an aspect of the disorders you laboured under, but the fact is you DID deceive him, successfully, for some years, so he really DOESN'T know what was true and what was not. You need to again earn his trust by being trustworthy, and sharing open discussions about what's going on, so he can be on the same page from now on. Too catastrophic a response to an understandable even if factually unfair criticism, doesn't help you.
No simple program that then dumps you on your own is competent treatment - surely you are still seeing a shrink to work on the task of remaining well and getting weller ? Discuss this with him. A CBT-type approach should be being used, to prevent and stop the pain you now feel ( but really don't have to feel ), raher than learning to "hide" it as you describe doing. Hiding your pain is a different way of being false, to yourself and to your husband. And disappearing would be an act of massive cruelty to him and to yourself. Work with a therapist.

Reply to cybershrink

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