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Question
Posted by: Lily | 2012/08/22

How to " raise"  the subject?

My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years and our sex life is poor. Reason being is that he suffers from premature ejaculation within minutes and i have lost all interest in doing the deed coz i feel its a waste of my time to get all worked up and excited KNOWING its going to be over in minutes. I dont want to feel this way. He blames me saying that its because we dont do it enough but i know its not the issue.
How to i approach him about this without hurting him. i need our sex lives back.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

The advice you have received so far has not been bad; I can't vouch for Stud100 though - although if it is an anaesthetising spray, then some people do find it beneficial. Be aware of timing though and that the anaesthetising agent doesn't impact on you - also that you don't have a reaction to it...I'm not sure what's in it!

It seems that you still don't know how to begin to discuss it, so suggestions are fine, but how do you bring the subject up. It's so easy to conceptualise this as him having a problem, which actually according to statistics he doesn't - most men take on average 2 minutes to ejaculate if they don't use delay strategies (one of the men who replied is unfortunately at the other end of the spectrum, which can be equally frustrating). The real problem here is the disparity between his and your sexual response and the fact that you aren't able to achieve your climax/relief through penetration...of course, this is frustrating for you. I wonder if you are at least able to experience orgasm via other methods? I hope so, but this still doesn't address this common frustration.... Best try to bring it up as it really is - not him with a problem, but a wish to enhance your sexual experience together.

You could possibly talk about how, given how long you've been together, you really know each other and feel comfortable, and so would now feel comfortable enough to begin to explore your sexual experience a little more. You could tell him that all couples can become used to what they have, and you'd like to see how your sexual relationship might develop beyond it's current level. You could then also tell him that a man's orgasm is supposed to be more intense if he holds off - and you'd like to see if you can explore this together, perhaps adding that you might like to see if he can learn to hold off and see how your excitement might tantalise him as he frustrates himself and then releases...? He can search ways to 'delay ejaculation' (rather than putting it in negative terms 'premature ejaculation' because it's actually not if he's lasting 2 minutes) and see how you go from there. A search on the archives of this site definitely has suggestions - I have answered many such questions advising strategies in the past.

Good luck.

Claire - SASHA
For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

13
Our users say:
Posted by: Nick | 2012/08/25

If the women is on top I seem to last longer myself.

Reply to Nick
Posted by: What-A-lot-i-Got | 2012/08/24

Cheating ... LOL ... some women have issues ... wanking for her is for a greater course (her own pleasure)

Reply to What-A-lot-i-Got
Posted by: Jonathan | 2012/08/24

Just an idea - a Friend of mine had the same problem - he solved it by mastibating and coming first about 30 Minutes before sex with his wife. It also depends if you would allow him to try that. Many women get seriously pissed off when their Husband wank the Willy - they almost see it as cheating. You could even do it for him!!

Reply to Jonathan
Posted by: crn | 2012/08/23

he can be right, doing it more will help. i also have a problem of ejaculating early at times, its all about the speed your doing it, if being on top and pumping away i can cum within a minute, but we started doing it more, slowing down now and then, making it more passionate. i have seen over the past few months i can last much longer now. evenm if i go fast and my partner will scream and have several orgasms before i finish.

Reply to crn
Posted by: Lily | 2012/08/23

Thanks so much for the advice Sasha.

Reply to Lily
Posted by: Max | 2012/08/22

I have the opposite problem in that i have lack of sensitivity. 30-45 minutes into it and the wife complains about soreness etc which is perfectly understandable. She then asks why she does not do it for me anymore.
My only option now is to masturbate 80 % of the way and then have a quicky 10 minute session. go figure.

Reply to Max
Posted by: Lily | 2012/08/22

Wow ok thanks so much for the advice.

Reply to Lily
Posted by: XXX | 2012/08/22

Nope,it is a spray that he will use on his penis a half an hour or so before intercourse

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Lily | 2012/08/22

Thanks for the advice, i will definatley give it a go.

Is this Stud100 a pill?

Reply to Lily
Posted by: XXX | 2012/08/22

The important thing is that you must be understanding ,as by making an issue out of it,it will only make matters worse.

As suggested by Devon,he could try Stud100 which should help a lot.Increasing the amount of foreplay will also help in that you will be closer to " finishing"  by the time he enters you.

As a last resort he might be best off if he goes to a dr as there must be certain meds that can assist.

Certain positions can also help,so experiment.

If you give him some encouragement AND do " it"  more often,it will also help him.Be prepared for the odd " failure"  but work on things together.

I''m sure he will be bonking you for much longer within a month or two,provided you follow the suggestions I have made.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Lily | 2012/08/22

Thanks Devon.
At this stage i will try anything.

Reply to Lily
Posted by: Devon | 2012/08/22

Are you guys spending enough time on foreplay? I used to suffer from the same issue and cause alot of stress in my relationships. Well you need a partner that is understanding, have open communication cause trust me, it is very emasculating for men. Now I make sure my gf is ready to explode before I enter her. Also try stud100. It works for some and not for others so it''s up to him if he wants to try it. Good luck.

Reply to Devon
Posted by: Sexologist | 2012/08/22

The advice you have received so far has not been bad; I can't vouch for Stud100 though - although if it is an anaesthetising spray, then some people do find it beneficial. Be aware of timing though and that the anaesthetising agent doesn't impact on you - also that you don't have a reaction to it...I'm not sure what's in it!

It seems that you still don't know how to begin to discuss it, so suggestions are fine, but how do you bring the subject up. It's so easy to conceptualise this as him having a problem, which actually according to statistics he doesn't - most men take on average 2 minutes to ejaculate if they don't use delay strategies (one of the men who replied is unfortunately at the other end of the spectrum, which can be equally frustrating). The real problem here is the disparity between his and your sexual response and the fact that you aren't able to achieve your climax/relief through penetration...of course, this is frustrating for you. I wonder if you are at least able to experience orgasm via other methods? I hope so, but this still doesn't address this common frustration.... Best try to bring it up as it really is - not him with a problem, but a wish to enhance your sexual experience together.

You could possibly talk about how, given how long you've been together, you really know each other and feel comfortable, and so would now feel comfortable enough to begin to explore your sexual experience a little more. You could tell him that all couples can become used to what they have, and you'd like to see how your sexual relationship might develop beyond it's current level. You could then also tell him that a man's orgasm is supposed to be more intense if he holds off - and you'd like to see if you can explore this together, perhaps adding that you might like to see if he can learn to hold off and see how your excitement might tantalise him as he frustrates himself and then releases...? He can search ways to 'delay ejaculation' (rather than putting it in negative terms 'premature ejaculation' because it's actually not if he's lasting 2 minutes) and see how you go from there. A search on the archives of this site definitely has suggestions - I have answered many such questions advising strategies in the past.

Good luck.

Claire - SASHA
For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to Sexologist

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