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Question
Posted by: Lonely:-( | 2011/03/26

How to make friends?

Hi doc. When I finished school I quickly lost the friends I had there- I know it''s quite common but the way I lost them hurts. It''s not that we just lost contact, it''s that they never invited me out with them and they declined my invitations. I eventually asked them about it and they told me to stop being ridiculous so I dropped them. But that was fine because I made friends with my boyfriends friends girlfriends. We all worked in the same shop so it was cool. It started going downhill for me when I was labeled the ''coolest girlfriend'' because I let my boyfriend go out by himself all the time. At the same time, I was going to a new job. The girls started lying to me and telling lies about me so we stopped being friends. I had no friends then I met a girl and we had such similar personalities- we got on well. Then I lent her some cartoon DVD''s for her 5 year old son and the next thing I knew she moved to Durban. After a year of bugging her for the DVD''s and her threatining ME for harrasment I found out she left the disks with someone else she stole from. Still haven''t gotten them but whatever. Then I tried to make friends with the girl who works with my boyfriend but the times we went out, she just spoke about my boyfriend. Then she tells me she slept with her ex who has another girlfriend and I hear she was getting it on regularly with someone who''s engaged and I don''t want to be friends with such a skank (to be frank). To get to my actual point, I can''t seem to make friends with decent people. I don''t know how to have fun anymore and I''m wary of making friends. I don''t really go out (except with my boyfriend and his friend once every second weekend or so) and I''m so lonely. I don''t know what I''m doing wrong that I can''t make friends?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you had some unrealistic expectations at first. School chums are people you spend some time with when you're all trapped in the same school together, but most won't be particulatlu interested in continuing the friendship after leaving school. And that says nothing whatever about you.
But you sound a bit too desperate to make "friends" at any cost, rather than calmly taking your time, and maybe getting involved in worthwhile community activities and cl;ubs where you might meet people with similar interestws, and maybe become friends.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Friend | 2011/03/27

Your school friends dropped you and you have no friends at the moment yet you state you are a good friend! Since school you have not had any rewarding friendships. Who have you ever been a good friend to?
Just a thoughts posting might be worth thinking about. People may watch your actions and decide that you may not be good friend potential.
CS is correct in that you sound desperate and this can scare people off in case you are too clingy.
Join a club and remember friendship is a journey and not a destination.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Just a thought | 2011/03/27

Someone who was not petty would, had the DVDs not been returned within a few weeks, move on or go the legal route.Only a petty person persues lent DVDs for a year!
Someone who was mature would realised the girls at work were just jealous and envy happens in the real world.
Someone who was not judgemental would not judge anothers lifestle and call them a skank but would mix with people who shared their values.
Remember potential friends choose friend from what they see - do you think your behaviour with past friends would make someone want to be your friend?

What to do going forward.
Write to the girl in DBN saying you regret the loss of your DVDs but wish her well.You could even enclose a DVD for her son. Then have no further contact with her ever.

Do not expect to make deep friendships at work - money and promotions make this difficult. Having said this in your life you may well make great friend through work , just do not expect too much.

If you begin a friendship and in getting to know them do not appear compatible with thier choices ie drugs, sex do not persue it further and cut contact. Do not judge them or call them names. Move on maturly.

I would like to know how you feel about my advice...........

Reply to Just a thought
Posted by: Lonely:-( | 2011/03/27

Just A Thought- I put up with being not invited out by the school friends for two years before I dropped them. Regarding your other comment, I am anything but judgmental and immature. When someone is my friend I''m a good friend but since when is not wanting to be friends with someone who clearly has no respect for other couple''s relationship wrong? What gives you the impression I am petty and immature?

M- THANK YOU. :-:-)

Reply to Lonely:-(
Posted by: M | 2011/03/27

Try and join a social group, like a sports club or some activity where you meet new people, if you want to make new friends that share your interests look for a short course, study something in a group setting. Ignore just a thought, after all its just a thought.

Reply to M
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/27

Maybe you had some unrealistic expectations at first. School chums are people you spend some time with when you're all trapped in the same school together, but most won't be particulatlu interested in continuing the friendship after leaving school. And that says nothing whatever about you.
But you sound a bit too desperate to make "friends" at any cost, rather than calmly taking your time, and maybe getting involved in worthwhile community activities and cl;ubs where you might meet people with similar interestws, and maybe become friends.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Just a thought | 2011/03/26

Do you think maybe others see you as petty, imature and judgemental - introspection is called for with a good councillor?

Reply to Just a thought

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