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Question
Posted by: Xoxie | 2011/06/24

How to leave someone alone

Dear Cybershrink
I was in a relationship with a man whom I loved a huge amount. Then he told me he wants to move on and be friends only, but I am struggling to accept it. For more than a year I have been pestering him with phone calls and many sms''''s and emails daily. I am currently with the best guy ever and wish I could just move on and enjoy my new life! But somehow I can''t let go of my ex. If I was him I would have gotten a restraining order against me a long time ago. Please help! (Money for councelling is non- existant :-( )

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like you're clinging insistently to love for the guy you thought he was, love with the idea of the love you imagined you had, none of which was atually real. I think love is most wholesome when it develops more gradually and mutually, rather than when one person suddenly decides they are madly in love with someone who might even be startled to learn that, and who maybe just likes them in a friendly way.
You know, surely, that you will never ever be able to have the relationship you imagine, with him. And if you insist on clinging to these fantasies, you will prevent yourself from having what could become a genuinely better relationship with the guy whom is actually in your life right now.
You must choose. Either live a life with the ghost of "might-have-been", or assign those dreams to the lists of books you never read, and movies you never got to see. Except that this one will not ever be coming out on DVD.
Embrace what actually is, and make the most of real life, rather than indulging in orgies of fake memories. And stop giving yourself negative instructions - don't say "I CAN'T let go", which is entirely self-defeating, and say instead - "I haven'y so far let go, but I can and must and will do so. "
Don't allow yourself to make contact with him. Treat this like an obsession - whenever the soppy ideas about him arise, slap them away like annanoying mosquito buzzing round your head, and fix your attention on something else.
And try to find a way to get professional help for what sounds like possible OCD, and probably at least an obsessive personality disorder creating problems for you

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Our users say:
Posted by: QueenSy | 2011/06/27

Question: Did he ever reply to any of your emails or sms''s?

Reply to QueenSy
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/25

Sounds like you're clinging insistently to love for the guy you thought he was, love with the idea of the love you imagined you had, none of which was atually real. I think love is most wholesome when it develops more gradually and mutually, rather than when one person suddenly decides they are madly in love with someone who might even be startled to learn that, and who maybe just likes them in a friendly way.
You know, surely, that you will never ever be able to have the relationship you imagine, with him. And if you insist on clinging to these fantasies, you will prevent yourself from having what could become a genuinely better relationship with the guy whom is actually in your life right now.
You must choose. Either live a life with the ghost of "might-have-been", or assign those dreams to the lists of books you never read, and movies you never got to see. Except that this one will not ever be coming out on DVD.
Embrace what actually is, and make the most of real life, rather than indulging in orgies of fake memories. And stop giving yourself negative instructions - don't say "I CAN'T let go", which is entirely self-defeating, and say instead - "I haven'y so far let go, but I can and must and will do so. "
Don't allow yourself to make contact with him. Treat this like an obsession - whenever the soppy ideas about him arise, slap them away like annanoying mosquito buzzing round your head, and fix your attention on something else.
And try to find a way to get professional help for what sounds like possible OCD, and probably at least an obsessive personality disorder creating problems for you

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Truth | 2011/06/24

You need professional help to assist you in maturing and to discontinue acting like a teenager.

Basically u need to just grow up.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: me | 2011/06/24

sounds like you have a form of obsessive compulsive disorder which requires professional councelling.

Reply to me
Posted by: Xoxie | 2011/06/24

Dw, you have said something which hit home for me. Yes, I think I will become a stalker to my current bf too should I loose hom like that.. OK its been 2 hours since I last contacted him, and I''m starting to feel extremely anxious! I don''t want to do it, especially making a fool of myself! The anxiousness is getting to bad to handle now!!

Reply to Xoxie
Posted by: dw | 2011/06/24

It sounds like you are making every excuse under the sun to contact him. As Bee says, you have to make a mental decision to stop contacting him and stick to it. Maybe someone should tell your bf you are emotionally cheating on him.... then you would have lost 2 guys!!! Will you then start being a stalker to your now bf too???

Reply to dw
Posted by: Bee | 2011/06/24

That sounds ridiculous, surely its a mental decision you make not to contact him again! Try and keep some dignity!

Reply to Bee
Posted by: Just Saying! | 2011/06/24

Sweety you sound like my Partner''s ex wife, she will try anything to get him back obsessed, she was the reason his previous relationship did not work out with her interference and do what she can to start trouble,
She also has a great guy she is dating but first price is my Partner
3 months ago when his daughter asked to live with us rather , she suggested that they get a place together and start over from scratch,, They are divorced more than 4 years now, She does all the tricks in the book and wont stop,
Sweety it is not sexy and if you break up his relationship with his current girlfriend he is still not coming back to you.
Get help and move on, because your great guy will only have so much patients,
You already have a restrainging order against you why make it worse, forget about him, get a hobby go to gym and everytime you feel like contacting him, contact your boyfriend instead.
My Fiance''s mother has a restraining order against his ex wife, She makes my life hell but all I do now is ignore her existance.You are making a fool of your self , we can not get a restraining order against his ex wife because of the kids.
Some days I feel like calling her and telling her to get a life but I rather not then she will feed off that again.
You need to see someone to help you with you HUGE problem.

Reply to Just Saying!
Posted by: Xoxie | 2011/06/24

Thank you for the advice, but I have memorised all his details... So the deleting does not work :-(

Reply to Xoxie
Posted by: dw | 2011/06/24

delete all his contacts from your cell phone, e-mail addresses, everything. When you want to contact him, do something else instead!

Reply to dw
Posted by: Xoxie | 2011/06/24

Yes, I do want what I cannot have.. And yes, he already has someone else.. I think I have an obsession and I feel like a stalker.. :-(

Reply to Xoxie
Posted by: L | 2011/06/24

Love yourself first, then you will know that you deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness. Any man whoi does not treat you as such, doesnt deserve your attention. PS Are you sure you are not suffering from a case of wanting something you cannot have? What if he is inlove wth someone else? Try to move on, he already has.

Reply to L
Posted by: Xoxie | 2011/06/24

Oh no, I did it again. While I''m waiting for your help I did it again! I don''t think I will ever be able to stop!

Reply to Xoxie

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