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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011/04/07

How to handle

My little girl will be celebrating her birthday soon and had asked if she could have a party with her cousins at her grandmothers house (her dad''s mom). I checked with the grandmother and all in order. However until 2 weeks ago her dad and I were dating, and then I called him to discuss her schooling for next year as it is quite pricey. The arrangement between him and I is that he pays for her education and buys clothing twice a year. Last year all went well and this year he has been paying R300 less than what we agreed and I have to fork out the difference, its not a lot of money but I am saving for a house and car. He has both. When i asked him about this he told me that i want to much and if I go to court the court will tell him to pay much less as I earn more than him - I know this is not true as he has about R75000 in investments in the bank. I dont even have a savings. I told him my medical aid for my daughter and I are expensive and he told me in no uncertain terms that i caused our daughters illness (she has asthma and chronic sinusitis), and lately I found out she is partially deaf in her ear. He told me that I am uneducated, and that nobody - friends, colleagues and family dont like me and he doesnt like me because he has a girlfriend waiting to be his wife. He told me to never call him if our daughter needs anything and instead to walk or take a taxi - thats fine by me, but when they have family functions he wants to brag about her. She will be having a party and i know for sure that he will turn up, I have not called him since he insulted me and have no desire to talk to someone who will put me down and insult me when i am trying to talk about our child. How do I deal with this because i dont want her or the other people to pick up that there is no communication at all. His mom knows about the situation and told me to just ignore him. What do I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously you didn't cause any of your daughter's health problems, and your ex should be aware that if the matter of maintenance goes to court, the court will want proof of his full earnings and savings, as well as yours, in deciding what proportion of the child's costs should be paid by each of you.
Maybe he's experiencin some financial problems he doesn't want to reveal ? Sadly, though she may be partly deaf in her ear, he seems to be deaf in his heart.
As for the party, at least discuss this with his mom, who, it sems, understands he sort of guy he is, and will join you in preventing any discomfort for any of you.
As Purple says, geting a proper court order on maintenance might be wise, for now and for the future. And it doesn't easily allow for him to back out of it.


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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011/04/07

He''s probably just trying to scare you by saying that the court will make him pay less.

Make a list of your daughters'' expenses each month. This should include rent, utilities, groceries, school fees, medical fees, clothing, transport etc. Then you compare your income to his income - say he gets R10000 per month and you get R12000, that means the income ratio is 5:6. If your daughters'' expenses each month equal to R4000, then you have to pay (R4000 / 11) * 6 = R2181.81 and he should pay (R4000 / 11) * 5 = R1818.18. Income is not only a salary, but any income from investments as well (you can''t sue him for the capital amount of the investment, just the income he receives from it).

He could contest any costs he feels aren''t necessary - like private school fees instead of government school fees. Since your daughter has medical problems, I sincerely doubt whether he could contest her medical aid costs.

If you''ve done the math and he contributes less than he should, you should go to family court and sue him for an increase in maintenance. If you think that he''s trying to hide income that he receives, the court can request his bank statements to ensure that he doesn''t try and dodge his responsibilities.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Purple | 2011/04/07

When deciding on maintenance, the court will look at what the actual costs for your daughter are and split them fairly between the two of you based on income.
He doesn''t want you to get an official maintenance order because he knows this and also because there is recourse for you then, if he short pays, as you can get a garnishee order on his salary.

The party arrangement is with his mother, so is not affected by this.

It is in your daughters interests that you get a proper maintenance order, she has a right to education and decent medical care and he is part of the reason she exists and half of those costs are therefore his responsibility.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/07

Obviously you didn't cause any of your daughter's health problems, and your ex should be aware that if the matter of maintenance goes to court, the court will want proof of his full earnings and savings, as well as yours, in deciding what proportion of the child's costs should be paid by each of you.
Maybe he's experiencin some financial problems he doesn't want to reveal ? Sadly, though she may be partly deaf in her ear, he seems to be deaf in his heart.
As for the party, at least discuss this with his mom, who, it sems, understands he sort of guy he is, and will join you in preventing any discomfort for any of you.
As Purple says, geting a proper court order on maintenance might be wise, for now and for the future. And it doesn't easily allow for him to back out of it.


Reply to cybershrink

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