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Question
Posted by: Bester | 2010-02-24

How to get through to Sister-in-law?

I’ m desperate in need for advice on how/what to do to get my sister-in-law to open her eyes to reality.

My sister-in-law got divorced 3 years ago, and was living alone in her house. She then met a man, 8 years younger than her (This should not play a role) who moved in with her. This man is a total waste and is manipulating her. He is a drug user, doesn’ t work, etc. He is not the person I would like as a son-in-law.

My in-laws are not happy with this new boyfriend and made her aware of this. We welcome her at our place, but don’ t want him there. In the last 3 years he had ¾  different jobs and will keep a job for only ½  weeks at the most.

Since she knows how we feel about this guy she started lying to her family about him. She has given him , I don’ t know how many last chances and wants to kick him out, just for us to hear that he is back. She even phoned us the one day to get him out of her house, and the next day she went in search of him. She believes that she can change his behaviour. I think she is telling us what she thinks we want to hear.

She is not getting a huge salary, but has to carry her boyfriend costs, which means that she needs to loan money all the time. We are now getting to a point where we said we can’ t go on like this anymore..

The one thing that I thought was going to happen is now happening. He has now managed to turn her against her own family, and unfortunately I think the way we feel about this guy, also didn’ t help the situation.

I personally think she is afraid of being lonely and that is why she don’ t want to kick him out.
She has always been clean on herself and in her house, but since this man has moved in all this has changed. She don’ t care what she looks like anymore and don’ t care what her home looks like..

What must we do to get through to her? I don’ t want this man near my kids, but I’ m worried about my sister-in-law. What to do? Please help?









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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So she is being persistently foolish. It's her life, and as an adult she is entitled to be foolish. I'm not sure why you feel this is somehow your responsibility ? YOu have no need to welcome her into your home, and certainly no need to even allow through the door her feeble toy boy. Don't allow him near your kids - that is your pivilege.
Neither you nor her parents have any duty to like the unlikeable chap and encourage her in her foolishness. Juust tell her calmly that everyone who cares about her is concerned that this guy is an extremely bad idea and will cause her great grief ; and that none of you want to see him at any time, but will try to support her after she leaves him or he leaves her

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bester | 2010-02-24

Thanks for the response. I''m more than happy to welcome her into my home, it is just the toy boy I have a problem with.

I don''t feel responsible for her either, It is just hard to see all the people around me getting heard. this family is a very close family. My wifes brother has passed away when he was only 26, and this situation is now creating a lot of pain for almost all but my sister-in-paw.

Reply to Bester
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-24

So she is being persistently foolish. It's her life, and as an adult she is entitled to be foolish. I'm not sure why you feel this is somehow your responsibility ? YOu have no need to welcome her into your home, and certainly no need to even allow through the door her feeble toy boy. Don't allow him near your kids - that is your pivilege.
Neither you nor her parents have any duty to like the unlikeable chap and encourage her in her foolishness. Juust tell her calmly that everyone who cares about her is concerned that this guy is an extremely bad idea and will cause her great grief ; and that none of you want to see him at any time, but will try to support her after she leaves him or he leaves her

Reply to cybershrink

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