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Question
Posted by: DoorMat | 2011/11/16

How to get through to him

My husband constantly talks over me. When I''m talking, he interrupts me. And he will ask me a question, then I try to reply and he says, " Let me finish."  then he repeats the VERY SAME question and I say, " Can I answer now?"  Then he says, " NO...let me finish!"  Then he rambles on and on and repeats himself I don''t know how many times and I eventually switch off because I''m not allowed to say a word.
If I ask him a question on behalf of a friend, he asks me, " why are you interested in THEIR life so much?"  I tell him that I''m not interested in their life but I am just asking him because he might know the answer to the question / problem. BUT, he also doesn''t let me finish asking the question before interrupting me to ask me why I''m sticking my nose into somebody else''s issues. I''m NOT.....THEY asked ME if I had any ideas.
I''m frustrated beyond belief. I feel like he wants a wife who is seen and not heard.
I mean, it was OK when HIS friend came to him with relationship issues....and I left the two of them to talk. But when I have a friend who is asking me something about labour law, I''m not allowed to try and help her?????
Am I the crazy one here or is he just unfair? It''s bad enough that I''m stuck at home 24/7 in a foreign country where people don''t speak English. I have managed to make some friends and they always help me. Why can''t I return the favour?
:-( I hate to say this but I think I need a drink! I stopped smoking more than a year ago....sometimes just wish I never did. I feel like my stress is getting too much to take.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sometimes its a mystery why someone gets treated like a doormat. Sometimes it's the way they have WELCOME tattooed down their back in large letters.
He sounds like a rather pathetic guy with low self-esteem and trying feebly to make himself seem important, at least to himself, even if nobody else would be impressed.
Of course he's being unfair - fairness isn't in his mind at all.
If he isn't prepared to get into proper marriage counselling, even if he needs to think it'll focus on the problems he seems to experience with your behaviour - then maybe consider individual counselling to help you find better ways to cope with his frustrating behaviour.
As Liza says, what he's doing is at least psychologically abusive.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011/11/17

Pretty soon he''ll be dragging you around by the hair like a caveman. He''s been pretty successful at isolating you so far. Which is something only abusive people do...

Take a very long hard look at your life. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of it being controlled and put down by this guy? The guy you''ve described will not be interested in trying counseling. If I''m wrong, and he is willing to give counseling an honest chance - there might still be hope. Just be careful in counseling. My ex only agreed so that he could twist things and make me look bad in front of the counselor - breaking down my tattered self-esteem even further. Don''t let this happen to you. Do yourself a big favor and see a psychologist to help build up your self-esteem again and to work on your assertiveness.

Being assertive with an emotionally abusive partner is the quickest way to stop the abuse. In my case, I started with dancing lessons. I didn''t ask his permission. I just told him straight that I would be attending dancing lessons twice a week and that he should organise supper on the days I have my lessons. It wasn''t long before he realized that I truly wasn''t going to allow him to control my life ever again. Prior to this he always threatened to kill me if I ever asked for a divorce. Eventually he was the one who asked for a divorce.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/17

Sometimes its a mystery why someone gets treated like a doormat. Sometimes it's the way they have WELCOME tattooed down their back in large letters.
He sounds like a rather pathetic guy with low self-esteem and trying feebly to make himself seem important, at least to himself, even if nobody else would be impressed.
Of course he's being unfair - fairness isn't in his mind at all.
If he isn't prepared to get into proper marriage counselling, even if he needs to think it'll focus on the problems he seems to experience with your behaviour - then maybe consider individual counselling to help you find better ways to cope with his frustrating behaviour.
As Liza says, what he's doing is at least psychologically abusive.

Reply to cybershrink

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