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Question
Posted by: Laura-Ann | 2010/05/11

how to forget a married man and feel worthy again

Please help me, I am trying to exorcise sth from myself. I can''t understand my pain over a married man I have been seeing, and was seeing for 7 yrs before he got married.

The wife is 11 yrs my junior and has the looks of a supermodel. She is expecting their second child, they plan to have 4 - the exact number I have always wanted. Because the husband is so wealthy, she is able to be at home throughout the pregnancy. I feel terrible saying so, but my very deep envy for this woman’ s life consumes me thoroughly. I do not resent her as a person, I resent that she so easily walked into his life and gained the status I have been waiting for for years. They met, she was pregnant in three weeks and they got married the same year, had a baby and are expecting the 2nd. It all happened in a whirlwind, and I look at my 8 yrs being his lover and just feel sick to my stomach.

Upon hearing the second baby is one the way, I have stopped seeing this man but am in terrible throes of pain. No one has to tell me it is plain stupid to see a married man, or that I shd not have been his casual lover for 7 yrs (we never really dated) and I shd not have continued after he got married. I also know this man has no feelings for me, no one needs to tell me that. No one has to point the obvious out to me, what I want to know is how do I cut the pain out of my heart and cut this person out of my existence. I do not want to think of him out there, blissfully in love with the wife and welcoming baby after baby. He still wants to visit me but I am forcing myself to say no because the obvious physical will happen and it always sends me into deeper emotional places. I feel I am spiralling out of control... am 36 and a single mother - how is it I can find myself in such a pathetic situation? I met this guy when I was pregnant and freshly deserted by my baby’ s father. Perhaps it was a vulnerable time to meet someone.

Every time I have taken a break from this man over the past nearly 8 yrs, I have felt as if the bottom has fallen out of my world. I’ ve tried extreme promiscuity to forget him, it didn’ t work. About 4 yrs ago I moved almost an hour away from him hoping that would help, I’ ve tried applying for jobs overseas but none have come thru. I have prayed, bought books on moving on, thrown myself into things like the gym –  and nothing makes me forget I love him. I cannot live like this - my child shd not have an adulteress and useless woman for a mother. I am so desperate to kill this reality and wake up to a new one and I don’ t know how to. The worst part is that out of sheer embarrassment, I cannot bring myself to talk face to face to anyone about it. I once went for counselling during a bout of extreme depression two years ago. Not once did I bring up this man to the counsellor, out of total shame.

I wish I was in a relationship with someone else but no one seems to want to date me, though I have no shortage of sexual partners. There was once someone sort of interested in dating, but he soon told me he could tell my heart was elsewhere. He was right, and he left.

How do I forget this married man? He is someone else’ s man - how do I exorcise him and get out of this black hole of depression and massive envy and resentment? Why can’ t I just be happy he found a wonderful woman and is happily married and having the kids he always wanted? I am miserable to the point of wanting to harm myself. I want to not feel anything for this person, nothing at all. They have never deserved that I feel anything (he has never cared particularly about me but enjoys the sex)

I know most of you would just slap me and tell me to wake up and smell the coffee and I do smell the coffee but I want to know how to cut out the pain. And get on with a respectable life.
I can''t understand why I am in such pain over this person. How can you be in pain over someone who does not care about you? I want to shake myself very hard and shake whatever it is out of me, the thing which makes me feel such pain. I want to cut it out with a very sharp knife.

Please, can anyone help?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Lordy, what a long one ! I need another cup of cofee, quick !
You may have had high hopes for a dream relationsip with this guy, but it really doesn't sound as though he was sincere on his side, and he sems to have used you till he found the right trophy wife, who he may, in turn, discard at a later stage.
And surely at last, at the very latest, when he got married, you should have realized what he was and that he would NOT form the relationship with you that you'd hoped for ? YOur pain probably stems NOT so much from the understandable and inevitable ( but not usually long-lasting ) sense of grief at acknowledging the final loss of the dream you banked on, but from a persisting indulgence in fantasies about how it might still happen, or could have happened, or should have happened.
You gave him far, far more power over you and your life than anyone should ever give to anyone else - that's not a love relationship, that's emotional slavery. He has absolutely no power over you except what you choose to give him - and you are still giving him that.
And your status as a lover usually has no contractual provision for a pension, financial or emotional, yet you signed up for it. For him to still ask to see you is outrageously callous and cruel.
YOu do need to work on this with a counsellor - and you absolutely MUST discuss this relationship and its implications in detail - there's no room for shame in talking with a counsellor, who has heard far worse than anything you could reveal and is there to help you feel better, not to help you feel ashamed. Otherwise it's like goin to see a surgeon when you have appendicitis, and neglecting to mention the pain in your belly.
You get sexual partners because you make yourself available and hold to such a low opinion of yourself, and feel as though giving sex is the only value you have ( not true, but it might feel that way ) - but you don't find romantic relationships because you have chosen to remain pre-occupied with this heel. Do see a realistic counsellor soon and work frankly from the start with what is actually troubling you, and you can get through this, leave the bad guy behind, and start a clean page of more fruitful and happy life.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Laura-Ann | 2010/05/12

thank you so much for the replies it is a comfort to know other women have been down this terrible path. I did not intend for it to last this long and grab me this deeply, and trying to get out is immensely painful.

I will take all your words to heart and thank you for not judging me, I judge myself a million times over every day for what I have done.

thanks and God bless

Reply to Laura-Ann
Posted by: Been there | 2010/05/11

i have done the same thing ...even got to marry him for 2 months then discovered he was seeing someone else. I threw in the towel on the marriage. ended up seeing him off and on but then he married someone else without even tellling me......that was a cure for sure...still have missed calls etc from him. wont go down that road again. hang in there it will get better. talk to someone and give yourself time to grieve the end of a time when you gave your power away and in the end lost your dream as I did. I am great now. Hang in there. God bless

Reply to Been there
Posted by: kallie | 2010/05/11

its so easy for everyone to say move on the question is how do you....yes a psychologist will help ....but you need support and people to talk to when eva you feel the need to regress and i am offering you this and my time because i have been where you are and i understand and i had no one to turn to... if you want to talk let me know ....

Reply to kallie
Posted by: anon | 2010/05/11

move on and get your own life, he is married and not yours, leave it alone and forget about it.

Reply to anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/11

Lordy, what a long one ! I need another cup of cofee, quick !
You may have had high hopes for a dream relationsip with this guy, but it really doesn't sound as though he was sincere on his side, and he sems to have used you till he found the right trophy wife, who he may, in turn, discard at a later stage.
And surely at last, at the very latest, when he got married, you should have realized what he was and that he would NOT form the relationship with you that you'd hoped for ? YOur pain probably stems NOT so much from the understandable and inevitable ( but not usually long-lasting ) sense of grief at acknowledging the final loss of the dream you banked on, but from a persisting indulgence in fantasies about how it might still happen, or could have happened, or should have happened.
You gave him far, far more power over you and your life than anyone should ever give to anyone else - that's not a love relationship, that's emotional slavery. He has absolutely no power over you except what you choose to give him - and you are still giving him that.
And your status as a lover usually has no contractual provision for a pension, financial or emotional, yet you signed up for it. For him to still ask to see you is outrageously callous and cruel.
YOu do need to work on this with a counsellor - and you absolutely MUST discuss this relationship and its implications in detail - there's no room for shame in talking with a counsellor, who has heard far worse than anything you could reveal and is there to help you feel better, not to help you feel ashamed. Otherwise it's like goin to see a surgeon when you have appendicitis, and neglecting to mention the pain in your belly.
You get sexual partners because you make yourself available and hold to such a low opinion of yourself, and feel as though giving sex is the only value you have ( not true, but it might feel that way ) - but you don't find romantic relationships because you have chosen to remain pre-occupied with this heel. Do see a realistic counsellor soon and work frankly from the start with what is actually troubling you, and you can get through this, leave the bad guy behind, and start a clean page of more fruitful and happy life.

Reply to cybershrink

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