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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011/03/14

How to fill the void

My 4 yr old daughters father is sporadic in his duties as a father. When he is in a bad mood or has an argument with me he takes it out on her and this includes his family - they will not call to check that she is okay. All fine by me, as long as he pays his share - i dont bother him. I thank God that I am able to give my child a good life. I have however noticed lately that she is picking up little things. eg. Last week when I fetched her from daycare she saw one of her classmates and he was with his dad. The next day she saw him with his mom and she even said said out loud to him. Wow you have a mommy and a daddy. This hurt me a bit because I know that she deserves to have both. In the past I asked her father not too take out his frustration on her and he said he wont. Every year he doesnt talk to me for about 6 months and then she suffers. THis year I have put my foot down and he can go to hell. We have a comfortable life and she doesnt lack for anything besides her father. She also has the habit of attaching herself to the males in our building. What do I do? How else can I fill the void in her life?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not you who should have felt sad to hear that comment about having a mommy and a daddy, but your feckless husband. You provide all you can, you can't do the fathering for him. He sounds far more childish than the child. IS there some stable male relative or friend who can be a surrogate father for her ? She can be proud to have such a gran mom. Fortunately, no great harm is likely from having such a feeble dad.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011/03/14

You''ve already taken the first step. If her father can''t be consistent in the way he acts towards her, he shouldn''t be seeing her at all. It will only make her feel more rejected every time he refuses to see her. The best thing you can do for her is to give her lots of love(which I''m sure you''re already doing). I''m not sure that she really has a ''void'' in her life. Do you think that you could have taken her comment a bit too seriously? You seem to be feeling guilty over things that you have no control over. Don''t lay a guilt trip on yourself over things you cannot change. Kids are envious all the time. It doesn''t mean that they need what they want. I think that you''re coping admirably with her real needs. I would suggest that you take her to see a child psychologist for your own piece of mind. The psychologist will then be able to tell you how to handle the situation in more detail.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/14

Its not you who should have felt sad to hear that comment about having a mommy and a daddy, but your feckless husband. You provide all you can, you can't do the fathering for him. He sounds far more childish than the child. IS there some stable male relative or friend who can be a surrogate father for her ? She can be proud to have such a gran mom. Fortunately, no great harm is likely from having such a feeble dad.

Reply to cybershrink

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