Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-07-23

How to deal with it ?

My ex &  i have a very bad relationship. He calls our 17month old weekly, I answer, he asks to speak to her, I put the mobile phone at her ear ... sometimes she says something in her baby language sometimes not. That is the extent of their relationship.
He' s seen her 15 hours in 17 months. Never asks about her health, her developments  nothing.
I am not free to call him when she' s reached a milestone, I' ve tried that &  he would say that' s not very interesting. If I do call it' s an emergency &  he never answers the phone. Never returns the call ... etc etc etc.
During our divorce we both did &  said VERY hurtful things to each other. As most people do, currently all communication is via email. We still both own a house which is being neglected, neither of us live in it &  he' s just wiped his hands of it, even tho'  both our names are on the bond. I also feel like he' s done the same with our daughter.
Do i leave the situation as is &  hope one day it improves OR do I continue trying ? If trying - what more can I do ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Dear Anonymous,

it is very hard to figure out what the right thing to do is. If we did, we wouldn't have many challenges in our lives...

However, it is important to understand that we cannot change people, but we can change ourselves. For some of us, the relationship we have we the other parent is harder than others. Dealing with our hurt and anger is hard enough, let alone dealing with the other's pain and anger.
Become who you want to be and be the mother you want your child to have. You can share with her father that you hope for better days and that you wish your daughter can have a healthy, happy relationship with her father and whatever he chooses will only affect his daughter's well being.

I will soon be launching a workshop on strategies for successful post divorce parenting. If you may be interested, you are welcome to forward your email address to be added to the mailing list.

Love and Gratitude
SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association

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