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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011/11/23

How to advise a friend

My friend just confessed to me that he has cheated on his girlfriend... twice. Now i dont condone this type of behaviour because i have been cheated on and i know that it hurts. My friends situation however is worse as the first time he cheated it was a one night stand, he says that condom broke and now the girl is pregnant. Then stupid him never learnt his lesson and had unprotected sex (with an ex who''s status he knew) and she is now also pregnant. So one girl is 6 months pregnant and the second one 4 months. He knew for 6 months that these women are pregnant and he didnt tell his girlfriend. I told him that cheating on someone you love is painful but making another woman let alone two is ultimate betrayal and if i was his girlfriend i would never forgive him. He told me that he has tried to break up with his girlfriend but after 3 weeks he runs back with his tail between his legs because he is inlove with her and wants to marry her. Now who would marry a man like him or cheats and lies. By no means think that i am pointing fingers we all have skeletons in our closet and we shouldnt judge other people. He has stood by me with all the things i had to go through and i would be a bad friend if i dropped him. I told him to tell her the truth but he says he cannot deal with that now he wants to run away and go work elsewhere. He and the girlfriend both work together and live in the same complex. Because of bad decisions on his side his work, studies and life is affected. Granted he messed up but we all do sometimes in our lives. The question is what does he do, own up to his girlfriend or breakup with her. I told him either way both of them will get hurt, but his feelings right now are not important because he knew what he was doing. I want to support him as my friend, not his actions. How can i be a good friend but make it clear that he messed up, and what should he do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOur friend, it seems, is foolish and uninterested in other people's feelings. If he is still having unprotected sex, and with people he doesn't really know, he's not bothered about his own halth and safety, nor that of others. And its hard to believe he was using a condom which broke when he impregnated the other woman, but later he didn't use a condom at all.
So now he has carelessly impregnated two foolish women who were silly enough to trust him, while cheating on his girlfriend who is just very lucky if she isn't also pregnant. But he has apparently also been lying to her - does he really think she will never find out about his other hobbies ?
I hope both these women go to the Maintenance Court and have him ordered to pay generous maintenance costs for both children, so he can be reminded, every month when he receives his pay check, of what it costs to be irresponsible.
There's no room for sympathy for someone who is so utterly careless and foolish and seems to think of nothing but his own brief pleasure.
How could you believe him when he claims to "love" the gf he has cheerfully betrayed so completely ? What sort of love is that ?
Paying maintenance for two kids already, how can he afford to contonue a relationship with her, let alone to maintain any kids he might later have with this unfortunate woman ?
And don't make excuses for him. We do NOT "all" have skeletons in our closets like he has, nor do we work so hard to make new skeletons.
And where does this idea come from that "we must not judge people " ? Its really not in the bible or the constitution, that we must never criticise or frown on people who deliberately or carelessly do bad things to other people.
We do NOT all mess up in our lives on this scale. And allowing him to continue to imagine that its him who has been unfortunate, and that he's a poor guy who just had some bad luck, only encolurages him to carry on and hurt other people. And remember the two entirely innocent children about to be brought into the world to face an uncertain future, because he wanted some fun.
ALl you can do as a friend is NOT to make false excuses for him like "we all make mistakes" - encourage him not to avoid his responsibilities or to run away from them, but to think seriously about what he has done, how to reduce the damages he has caused to others, and how to avoid doing so again in the future. He must decide what to do, as you can't decide for him, but please don't help him find excuses to avoid responsibility for the bad choices he so far keeps on making

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Harsh Words | 2011/11/23

This is harsh but l think u should dump him as a friend. A person with his lifestyle and values can add nothing to your life.When we mix with people like him it affects how we view what is normal, this man is lowlife scum. Eventually you will have a GF/wife and she will give you an ultimatum to stop seeing him - so get rid of him now.We are often judged by the company we keep and people assume losers attract losers so you damage your image by being seen with him.

The only value friends like this have are for entertainment - its like watching a soapie ie Generations/Rhythm City. But remember some people will not even admit to watching soapies because it is an embarassing waste of time just like your friendship with this guy!!!!

Reply to Harsh Words
Posted by: Purple | 2011/11/23

Has he specifically asked you what you think he should do?
If not, just be there as a sounding board for him as he navigates trying to fix his mess up.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/23

YOur friend, it seems, is foolish and uninterested in other people's feelings. If he is still having unprotected sex, and with people he doesn't really know, he's not bothered about his own halth and safety, nor that of others. And its hard to believe he was using a condom which broke when he impregnated the other woman, but later he didn't use a condom at all.
So now he has carelessly impregnated two foolish women who were silly enough to trust him, while cheating on his girlfriend who is just very lucky if she isn't also pregnant. But he has apparently also been lying to her - does he really think she will never find out about his other hobbies ?
I hope both these women go to the Maintenance Court and have him ordered to pay generous maintenance costs for both children, so he can be reminded, every month when he receives his pay check, of what it costs to be irresponsible.
There's no room for sympathy for someone who is so utterly careless and foolish and seems to think of nothing but his own brief pleasure.
How could you believe him when he claims to "love" the gf he has cheerfully betrayed so completely ? What sort of love is that ?
Paying maintenance for two kids already, how can he afford to contonue a relationship with her, let alone to maintain any kids he might later have with this unfortunate woman ?
And don't make excuses for him. We do NOT "all" have skeletons in our closets like he has, nor do we work so hard to make new skeletons.
And where does this idea come from that "we must not judge people " ? Its really not in the bible or the constitution, that we must never criticise or frown on people who deliberately or carelessly do bad things to other people.
We do NOT all mess up in our lives on this scale. And allowing him to continue to imagine that its him who has been unfortunate, and that he's a poor guy who just had some bad luck, only encolurages him to carry on and hurt other people. And remember the two entirely innocent children about to be brought into the world to face an uncertain future, because he wanted some fun.
ALl you can do as a friend is NOT to make false excuses for him like "we all make mistakes" - encourage him not to avoid his responsibilities or to run away from them, but to think seriously about what he has done, how to reduce the damages he has caused to others, and how to avoid doing so again in the future. He must decide what to do, as you can't decide for him, but please don't help him find excuses to avoid responsibility for the bad choices he so far keeps on making

Reply to cybershrink

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