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Question
Posted by: me again | 2011-07-12

how things change

Ive been friends with this guy for 2 and a half years. We have been through thick and thin together and have a really good friendship and there is this connection where we can talk about anything. He was engaged to this girl for 5 years but never felt it was right to get married as he didnt feel she was right for him. They had twins 10 months ago via invitro and 2 months ago she moved out. They have been fighting ever since with her saying she is going to sue him and the judge is going to give her full custody of the children although she is not working and staying with her alcoholic mother.
Last week things progressed between him and I and yesterday he told his ex about me. Now she has completed changed her tune and is crying and performing and wants him back and wants them to be a family and and and.... sounds like emotional blackmail to me. He doesnt know what to do but he is soft were the children are concerned. I cant stop him from going back to her but after things progressed between him and I with him adament he wants me and wants to have a relationship with me... and now this. What do you suggest? Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he felt sure she wasn't right for him, why on earth did he choose to continue that relationship for 5 years ? And why, above all, did he choose to have children by her ? Didn't this, understandably, lead her to expect more from him than eventually happened ?
In such a bitter separation, neither should be confident of what a court would decide about custody of the children. The court is supposed to base it's decision on what would seem likely to be best for the children. Often this might be to give primary custody to the mother, with the father having rights to have the kids spend time with him. But if she is unemployed and lives with an alcoholic mother, then this may not be so clear.
You started by describing yourself as a friend of his, like a pal, but then you're saying he is talking of you as a romantic and long-term partner.
There is no beneit to the children in him going back, if this means they grow up with parents who don't love each other and fight all the time.
Sounds like you all need to do a lot more thinking about what is best for everyone, less selfishly.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-07-12

If he felt sure she wasn't right for him, why on earth did he choose to continue that relationship for 5 years ? And why, above all, did he choose to have children by her ? Didn't this, understandably, lead her to expect more from him than eventually happened ?
In such a bitter separation, neither should be confident of what a court would decide about custody of the children. The court is supposed to base it's decision on what would seem likely to be best for the children. Often this might be to give primary custody to the mother, with the father having rights to have the kids spend time with him. But if she is unemployed and lives with an alcoholic mother, then this may not be so clear.
You started by describing yourself as a friend of his, like a pal, but then you're saying he is talking of you as a romantic and long-term partner.
There is no beneit to the children in him going back, if this means they grow up with parents who don't love each other and fight all the time.
Sounds like you all need to do a lot more thinking about what is best for everyone, less selfishly.

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