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Question
Posted by: Perm | 2009-11-27

How much is too much?

Hi Doc

I was wondering if you could give me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now. We only broke up for a week due to him having lots of money and family problems and he failed to phone me in the time he had problems –  excuse of him not wanting to burden me with his problems. But now we are back together again

When we started dating we went too fast –  he introduced me to all his friends, uncle and sisters within 3 weeks of our dating, we saw each other everyday after work, he phoned me 3 to 4 times a day, we were also chatting on IM. I stopped doing the things I used to do when I was single (except for gym) I planned my time around his time and availability. By the end of the 2nd month of our relationship he started being distant and couldn’ t communicate as much as he did in the beginning. Him not phoning for a week was the last straw for me so I dumped him.

Now that we are back together, he said we should take things nice and slow. I just want to find out how do I do that and how much space do I give him because we stay 2km from each other and I just feel like if I see him twice or thrice a week I will be giving him too much space since we stay so close to each other. How much is too much?

Should I always wait for him to phone me or will I look needy if I do that? I feel like if I don’ t phone him as much as he phones me he will think I am not interested and I also don’ t want to phone in a way that he thinks I am needy and clingy.

I love this guy and I don’ t want to mess things up

Please tell me how to deal with this

thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There are no laws or rules that would answer your specific question. So much depends on the two individuals involved. TALK together - how often in visits or calls, FEELS clingy or bothersome to him ? How infrequent feels like abandonment to you ?
If you find you can't easily work this out in discussion between you, why not see a couples counsellor together, to assist in that process ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2009-11-27

There are no rules. Open communication about your wants and needs as well as his will be the key to making this work. Your relationship is very new, slow is good. Try to be friends first.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-11-27

There are no laws or rules that would answer your specific question. So much depends on the two individuals involved. TALK together - how often in visits or calls, FEELS clingy or bothersome to him ? How infrequent feels like abandonment to you ?
If you find you can't easily work this out in discussion between you, why not see a couples counsellor together, to assist in that process ?

Reply to cybershrink

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