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Question
Posted by: Gina | 2011-12-07

How much is not enough?

Come on, how many woman fake it just to get it over with? It has become such a big " job" . What has happened with my sex drive? We are both in our early 30''s, happily married with 2 kids. We do it every 2nd day, but when we skip, I can feel the tension &  frustration from his side. He will never say anything, but I know. Then I would just do it so that things would be fine again between us. I know it is a mind thing, but what the hell is wrong with my mind. I love him so much, but doesn''t he want to give me time to miss him?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

What is important to point out it is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

Given that you are still having sex every second day, it sounds as if things are still pretty good relative to the general population, the average frequency for sexual activity in a long term relationship is 1ce or 2ce a week.

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words he needs to know that his libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that yours is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed.

As long as there is flexibility, you may find that at times sex is more frequent, but there will also be times when it is less which is fine (and although he might not feel like it, he will survive) What's with counting frequency of sex anyway - what does it really mean if it's not meaningful/loving/playful? Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces sexual interest further; one may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because one's afraid it'll lead to sex.

The best way forward is to discuss this issue, and go with the flow more. A useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?. If it ends up with him 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating). more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as you could drive your response a little more to meet more of his needs.

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com



The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

10
Our users say:
Posted by: U Mo | 2011-12-09

I''ve been married for more than 6 years and still can''t get enough. I''m not sure whether I''m a sex addict but I just can''t get enough. It''s every night and many times if I can get my way, in the mornings as well. My wife is moaning about my obsession. Do I need professional help?

Reply to U Mo
Posted by: Ziggy | 2011-12-08

The old joke: Women fake orgasms. Men fake entire relationships.

Reply to Ziggy
Posted by: Just Me | 2011-12-08

I couldn''t be a di& k if I tried I am a girl. I have no need to use a name either. That is is not what this is about.

I just honestly don''t understand how a person can fake something like that. And beside if your other half discovered it, imagine the devastation it would cause! And if you have to fake it is obviously not good enought is it!!!

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: Real Gogo | 2011-12-08

Dont bore us use your own name u can call yourself dick

Reply to Real Gogo
Posted by: Just me | 2011-12-08

Sorry that is just wrong - and besides how do you fake it?? Have never been able - wouldn''t even try

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Gogo | 2011-12-08

Yes I too " fake it" on a very regular basis, to keep my husband happy.
Talking to other women, many other women, the too fake it for this reason.

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: sexologist | 2011-12-08

What is important to point out it is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

Given that you are still having sex every second day, it sounds as if things are still pretty good relative to the general population, the average frequency for sexual activity in a long term relationship is 1ce or 2ce a week.

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words he needs to know that his libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that yours is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed.

As long as there is flexibility, you may find that at times sex is more frequent, but there will also be times when it is less which is fine (and although he might not feel like it, he will survive) What's with counting frequency of sex anyway - what does it really mean if it's not meaningful/loving/playful? Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces sexual interest further; one may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because one's afraid it'll lead to sex.

The best way forward is to discuss this issue, and go with the flow more. A useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?. If it ends up with him 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating). more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as you could drive your response a little more to meet more of his needs.

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com



Reply to sexologist
Posted by: Just me | 2011-12-07

You know this is something I don''t understand. I honestly don''t know how you can fake it!

Reply to Just me
Posted by: XXX | 2011-12-07

Our libido changes a lot of the time due to many factors,influenced by age/alcohol/drugs/stress etc etc.Your man can be considered jolly fortunate to get it every 2nd night,most of us don''t get it anywhere near that often.
However,it would be better if you enjoyed it more as well ! Hopefully he is doing enough to get you suitable satisfied.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Charles | 2011-12-07

Not sure what is wrong with some men - he is lucky that you give him every second day. My wife if i am lucky once in 2 months. Maybe he has a really high sex drive.

Reply to Charles

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