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Question
Posted by: heartsore | 2012/03/14

how much compassion

Referring to my post 541, things havent been going well this guy Ive been seeing and I wanted to end things yesterday. Then I found out that his father was put in an induced coma yesterday afternoon. I have shown compassion and sent him a messages last night and this morning asking how his dad is and thinking of him during this difficult time, etc, etc. But how much compassion should/must I show when I want to end it? Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sometimes, to be a good person, you have to think more of the other person than of yourself. With his father being terribly ill and at serious risk of dying, you can hardly expect even the most adorable man on earth to be thinking of you and contacting you. That would be selfish. And this is surely not the time to say :" Sorry your dad's dying, but anyway, I'm breaking up with you".
As Lisa says, if the positions were reversed, and you had either of your parents on the brink of death, would YOU choose rather to be involved in a newish romance ? Maybe you need to use the time to re-examine your own neediness, your demand for major attention from whatever man is in your life. You seem to be focussing on what he does for you, rather than on what you can do for him ( or anyone else, for that matter ).
Re-read Lisa's wise message several times, maybe especially if you don't like what it says.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza2 | 2012/03/15

Obvious, you have me laughing my head off here. Anyway she deserves this response.

Reply to Liza2
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/14

Sorry forgot to say wear something revealing - low cut top, short skirt, high heels. Many people are offended when people do not dress for important occasions - approriate clothing always shows respect.
Also you might meet someone nice on the way out..........remember first and last impressions count more than compassion!

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/14

You ask how much compassion u should show?
The pass rate for matric is about 30%, l therefore propose a compassion rate of 30% would be acceptable.Although you probably did not score that high.
Go to the hospital and dump him at his fathers bedside. Tell him- in your most seductive voice so he knows what he is losing- that it is unacceptable that he does not give you his full attention as his father is seriously ill - after all his father is in a coma and hardly needs him as much as u do.
Ensure you take a bunch of flowers to soften the blow and show your humanitarian side.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Hawu | 2012/03/14

You seem needy and overbearing. When he told you abt his dad, that should have been your AHA moment - explaining why he hasn''t been himself lately. But instead you are still talking about dumping him. Very childish your selfishness..." Obvious" , please tell her something about finishing her matric...

Reply to Hawu
Posted by: Liza | 2012/03/14

@Liza - I''ve been posting under the nickname Liza on this site for a very long time now. Would you mind choosing another nick for yourself to avoid confusion?

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Liza | 2012/03/14

Hi heartsore,

Have you ever considered that maybe he is going through a very difficult patch at the moment and that is why he is not making an attempt as he did in the beginning? You say his dad was put in an induced coma yesterday. Seems like his dad has been critically ill and he has been focusing on that. Put yourself in his position, if one of your parents was critically ill, would you be thinking about romancing your new girlfriend, or would you be worried out of your mind over your gravely ill parent?

Sometimes you need to be compassionate and stop thinking solely of your needs &  desires. Understand where he is coming from. He is going through a terribly challenging and emotional period. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things anyone can go through, and right now he has just had his dad put in an induced coma.

Surely you can not add to his trauma by cruelly sending him an sms and telling him you want to end things because he is not paying attention to you during this difficult time, when he is going through so much and probably needs to think of his family as well.

Perhaps wait a bit. Ask him how you can support him as a friend. Be kind and maybe let him know that you were thinking he will need some space at a time like this to focus on his family. But I would think that this is a time when he needs you most, when he needs your support and understanding, even if from a distance. He may not be up to spoiling, pampering you or making an attempt at romance at the moment, but it does not necessarily mean that he doesn''t care for you or is not interested in you. He might just be totally overwhelmed right now. He may also not want to impose on you in any way and turn to you. You have only recently started a relationship and he may not think it right to burden you with all his problems right now.

Meet with him, speak to him. Tell him you noticed he has not been himself lately and it is understandable that he is very stressed right now. If your feelings for him are genuine, you may want to be there for him and tell him that he can count on you to be there in any way. It is not a problem or a burden to you. But then I am assuming that you care enough to want to be there for him as well.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/14

Sometimes, to be a good person, you have to think more of the other person than of yourself. With his father being terribly ill and at serious risk of dying, you can hardly expect even the most adorable man on earth to be thinking of you and contacting you. That would be selfish. And this is surely not the time to say :" Sorry your dad's dying, but anyway, I'm breaking up with you".
As Lisa says, if the positions were reversed, and you had either of your parents on the brink of death, would YOU choose rather to be involved in a newish romance ? Maybe you need to use the time to re-examine your own neediness, your demand for major attention from whatever man is in your life. You seem to be focussing on what he does for you, rather than on what you can do for him ( or anyone else, for that matter ).
Re-read Lisa's wise message several times, maybe especially if you don't like what it says.

Reply to cybershrink

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