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Question
Posted by: Marelize | 2011/03/16

How long

I have been married 16 years to a wonderfull man. He left me +- 16 months ago, divorced within 1 month. It all happend very quicly, we were happy, and then divorced. He said that he no longer loves me, there wasnt someone else. Even after the divorce, he said he made a mistake, he was to quick to get a divorce, and we should have gone for councelling. But it was all talk and nothing materialised. I think it was his midlife crises? I have really tried moving on, dating again, but I still miss him, think about him. And still hope that we will be reunited again. Dont know how? I do not cry as much as I did before. Maybe ones a month now. But when I hear he is dating again, seeing someone, it feels like someone is wripping my heart out of my chest. then he phones me and is so friendly, or acts out and says that me dating again, is hurting him and I must stop doing things that will hurt him. I dont understand his actions, and I dont know what to do, how do I get past this stage where it still hurts me. How long before I have really moved on? We have kids,...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

That sounds like an awfully rapid decision to divorce, on insufficient grounds, and apparently making no use of mariage counselling to see if the problems he felt wwere there could be resolved, or at least that you could both feel more sure that you had tried to sort them out.
One can have a "midlife crisis" at any age, and it makes sense that apparently he felt regrets. I'm amazed that it was possible to arrange an actual legal divorce so rapidly. There is value in the system not being in too much of a hurry over processing them.
This sort of ambiguous, unreasonable sort-of ending to a relationship makes it especially difficult for you to move on. Consciously or unconsciously, you may be reluctant to move on lest he suddenly change his mind again and want to return. All of this is highly unfair to you.
Could you persuade him that the way things are going is especially difficult and hurtful for you, and persuade him to join you in couples counselling - not with a necessary committment to geting back together, but to help you both better understand what happend and what is happening now, and to make wiser decisions about the future, rather than floating on in ambiguity.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/18

Now you know..... move on.
One day soon you will find a person to share your life with and as what normally happens is that once you are happy and content, he will want you back.
Then it will be too late for him.
Well done on asking him and clearing things up in your mind. Now it can only get better from here. Wishing you only the best

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Marelize | 2011/03/18

I did ask him, and it was a big mistake. He just used it again to hurt me...

Reply to Marelize
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/16

Reading your reply I am thinking maybe (just maybe) it is worth swollowing your pride just this one more time.....
It has nothing to do with anyone other that yourself and you should not feel bad or ashamed.
Write him a long e-mail, expressing your feelings and your wishes.
At least you will not regret one day that you have not tried all in your power to reconcile.
Good Luck

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Marelize | 2011/03/16

I do remember the bad. I have a list of all the bad things that happend in our marriage, and use that as a reminder when I start to miss him to bad. But all those things is problems that we could have worked through. I try not to think about the good times, because that will drive me insane. The ''bad"  is what keeps me from phoning him, emailing him. But after all the " bad"  things that happend, I still want him back. I said I dont want to get hurt and embarresed once again, is because I really do not want to get hurt and embarred, its painfull.. and saying that is remembering the BAD not the good!

Reply to Marelize
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/16

You say in your second post   and use the opportunity to hurt and embarresed once again" 
I think you are only remembering the " good times"  in your marraige. You need to also remember the bad times like the " hurt and embarresed"  you are referring too.
It was obviously not all good and you are only missing the " good"  as you have elected to only remember the " good" .

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Me | 2011/03/16

Ai tog man, jammer om te hoor Marelize, dis onsettend hartseer..

Sterkte!!

Reply to Me
Posted by: Marelize | 2011/03/16

I would have loved to ask him about the councelling, but I do not have the guts. I am sure he will just tell me to move on, and forget about him. and use the opportunity to hurt and embarresed ones again. I know with councelling we could have made it work, but I cannot ask him.
Thank you for your comment, I feel better about myself, I really thought there was soemthing wrong with me.

Reply to Marelize
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/16

That sounds like an awfully rapid decision to divorce, on insufficient grounds, and apparently making no use of mariage counselling to see if the problems he felt wwere there could be resolved, or at least that you could both feel more sure that you had tried to sort them out.
One can have a "midlife crisis" at any age, and it makes sense that apparently he felt regrets. I'm amazed that it was possible to arrange an actual legal divorce so rapidly. There is value in the system not being in too much of a hurry over processing them.
This sort of ambiguous, unreasonable sort-of ending to a relationship makes it especially difficult for you to move on. Consciously or unconsciously, you may be reluctant to move on lest he suddenly change his mind again and want to return. All of this is highly unfair to you.
Could you persuade him that the way things are going is especially difficult and hurtful for you, and persuade him to join you in couples counselling - not with a necessary committment to geting back together, but to help you both better understand what happend and what is happening now, and to make wiser decisions about the future, rather than floating on in ambiguity.

Reply to cybershrink

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