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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2010/11/30

how far is too far?

my wife of 7 years invited a male ''friend'' over to our house to sleep over while myself and the kids were not home.

They went out, got drunk (falling down drunk!) and then slept over at our place, alone. She did not tell me about it when it was pre-arranged (about 2 days before the event), then kinda told me the night shortly before it happened. My response was that it shall not happen (no man will sleep in my house when im not there!). she then lied about why it had to happen (" im the designated driver and need to get these guys to a bed" ), and then only told me the thruth when I was back home (she was so drunk she fell into th ehouse and cant remeber much about it, puked in her own car which he had to drive). The excuse is that he lives to far to drive home.

She struggles to remember the detail of the night, but assures me nothing happened between them (was wrong time of the month for her anyway). To me this is beyond what i am willing to allow (lies and sleeping over male friends).

some tears were shed, she appologised and promised never to do it again, but them blames me for struggeling to accept what is happening here, saying she enjoys his company and going out with friends. She has very few female friends (NONE!), always male friends, and she has semi-cheated very early in our relationship. Now she threatens not to tell me if similar events occur in future. Im seeing a pattern here. there is always another guy and i find out about it after the fact (but its always " just friends"  and " nothing happened" ).

When should i call it and chase her out?

She

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Not only was this highly disrespectful of you, her home and the home of her children, but disrespectful of herself.
She had no need to go out with drunks, and if the designated driver, the aim is to get them to their OWN beds, not hers. What does she think "designated" means ? If he lived too far away to be driven home that night he should have not gone to the party or should have booked himself a room in a hotel for th night.
And if she was so amnesic and falling over drunk - what on earth sort of designated driver is that ? Is the new rule that the least paralytic drunk gets designated ? What risk was there to herself, the car and other innocent drivers ?
If she chooses to have no female friends, that's her choice, and no excuse for anything else.
Is it believable that she would consider i no problem at all if you did exactly the same thiong when she was away ?
Marriage counselling, if she can bring herself to admit there is a problem and to commit herself to trying to solve it, or consult a good lawyer to protect your own interests.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: James | 2010/12/01

Run Fozrest run. Not being funny, was in almost the same boat. Get out now, the saying " once a cheater, always a cheater"  is very apt the majority of the time. Cut your losses now.

Reply to James
Posted by: Lynne | 2010/11/30

I think you''re too nice to her! Look back at your marriage and ask yourself how many times you made excuses for her bad behaviour. How many affairs can you handle? If she won''t get help for her problem, suggest she leave the home!

Reply to Lynne
Posted by: Kelly | 2010/11/30

Totally wrong! Kick her-|-to the curb she is taking advantage of you.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: lizard | 2010/11/30

unacceptable, its just a matter of time before she sleeps with one of them, thats if she has''nt allready, that is complete lack of respect towards you, imagine you were doing all that crap to her

Reply to lizard
Posted by: Worried | 2010/11/30

oops i meant to end the letter with ''he'' not ''she''. im a he

Reply to Worried
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/30

Not only was this highly disrespectful of you, her home and the home of her children, but disrespectful of herself.
She had no need to go out with drunks, and if the designated driver, the aim is to get them to their OWN beds, not hers. What does she think "designated" means ? If he lived too far away to be driven home that night he should have not gone to the party or should have booked himself a room in a hotel for th night.
And if she was so amnesic and falling over drunk - what on earth sort of designated driver is that ? Is the new rule that the least paralytic drunk gets designated ? What risk was there to herself, the car and other innocent drivers ?
If she chooses to have no female friends, that's her choice, and no excuse for anything else.
Is it believable that she would consider i no problem at all if you did exactly the same thiong when she was away ?
Marriage counselling, if she can bring herself to admit there is a problem and to commit herself to trying to solve it, or consult a good lawyer to protect your own interests.

Reply to cybershrink

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