Posted by: Wifey Wifey | 2009-01-22

How do you rebuild trust

my hubby cheated on me and we separated and got back together again. Now the thing is I just don' t trust him anymore I am always suspecious. He always blames me for not trusting him and he says there is nothing he can do to rebuild that trush because its all in my mind and my heart and I should deal with it myself. Now, what do I do, What do I tell him.

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Our expert says:
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Marriage counselling, is the only way to have a good chance of sorting out these problems. And if you find they don't get sorted out, at least you will both be in a better position to decide what to do next and what would be best for both of you. Rebuilding trust requires effort on both sides --- for him to be obviously faithful and caring, and for both of you to work on this and other elements of friction in the relationship.
WTF makes good sense about other measures that can help. I understand why he wants a rapid return of trust, but ask him --- if he discovered that a baby-sitter had molested a child of yours --- how long would it be before he felt safe to trust that sitter to stay alone with the child ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Old Man | 2009-01-23

Hmmm Advice on " How to build trust after an affair. ?" I have to be careful here, judging from the tongue lashing you dished out to other poor souls who were responding/commenting on your plight. Look ,is a personal thing really so I assume everyone commented on how THEY would react ,which is natural. so, I personally would not have ANY tolerance for something as serious as that in the marriage. We are both adults and both know and understand the rules as well as the CONSEQENCES. Very important to under the consequences. I assume he is an intelligent adult and he did understand the consequences, so in his mind it is logical to say he was thinking, " Yes, I know this is wrong and I know that it could possibly end up in the break up of ,my marriage, BUT even so I don' t give a hoot"  so here goes. NOW he wants to " Build Trust"  Sorry its not possible, he chose the path as an intelligent adult and now he wants to behave like a child who " made a mistake"  The advice then, is leave him and get on with your own life, or stay with him ande make the rest of yours a torment of doubt. Hope this helps.

Reply to Old Man
Posted by: Neo | 2009-01-23

May i suggest that building trust is a process and takes time. It would also depends on your expectations of what " trust"  means for you. Will you trust him when you can track him 24/7 via your mobile? A more difficult issue is how many ticks should he tick on the "  then i will trust you 100% list"  before you trust him....50%,80%?
You need deep and hard discussions with him and he should open his soul and spirit to you and commit to you and the Lord to make this work. I pray for you.

Reply to Neo
Posted by: Nonnie | 2009-01-22

You don' t just rebuild trust.
I don' t think one ever totally rebuilds trust. Once broken, it will be in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. It does get better though, but it will forever remain in the back of your head, and you will always be suspicious. Your husband should realise that he' s brought it on himself, and not be so hard on you.
He should realise that for you to trust him in any way again, he' s going to have to prove it over the years.

Reply to Nonnie
Posted by: WTF | 2009-01-22

Disenchanted, WTF? Where do you get your answers and who do you think you are to presume so many things without even knowing this woman' s story? Jeez, hush - look and learn. You sound like you don' t have any common sense!

Wifey, well dear this is certainly the biggest challenge and something that does not happen over night. To build your trust you need the help of your husband as well. Nothing is black and white. He needs to show you through actions that he can be trusted i.e not hiding cell phone, not on mxit (just examples). He must do everything possible to reverse the things that he did when he cheated. You also have some work to do - you have to let go of the fear of his cheating again (easier said than done). A good therapist can provide you with tools to do this. It' s a long rocky road and something so sensitive that it only takes one move to undo all progress. Hang in there and you should find ways to trust again provided you both work on this. Just can' t work if it comes from one person only. Your husband can' t think that because he stopped stuffing around you must automatically trust him again. It doesn' t work like that! I am going through the same at the moment, so I can relate to your hurt and your trust issues. I wish you all the best!

Reply to WTF
Posted by: Wifey Wifey | 2009-01-22

I think you need reading glasses and pleeeaaaase stay out of my post cause you' re not helping here. I can' t stand reading your stupid answers anymore.

Reply to Wifey Wifey
Posted by: Disenchanted | 2009-01-22

If you can keep him content you will be more secure about the cheating thing, and that will slowly bring back the trust!
Some men are born cheaters, but most need to have a reason and that is what you need to solve before the trust will return. Maybe your rudeness is what drove him away the first time? I call a spade a spade, what do you expect a magic cure or potion to bring back the trust?

Reply to Disenchanted
Posted by: Wifey Wifey | 2009-01-22

Disechanted, you did not answer my question which was " how do you rebuild trust?"  You obviously have no idea what goes on in our bedroom so just SHURRUP!

Reply to Wifey Wifey
Posted by: Disenchanted | 2009-01-22

From my possibly chauvanistic point of view, most men will not cheat if they really love their partners, and will not cheat if they are sexually satisfied! Are you having sex often enough, do you fulfill all your and his fantasies? If not then try to spice it up a little and become more adventurous and more regular! Only problem is that I don' t see the word love in your post, I have presumed that you love each other dearly. Good luck

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