Posted by: Lila | 2009-09-16

How do i survive this man - help???

i am renting a house from my friend. Three months ago he moved in with me and we got involved and started a relationship. I know him for the last 17 years. He suddenly became very abusive verbally. He would call me a w**re, telling me that i am only good for one thing. He would start going out on sundays alone, when i ask him where he is off to he would reply " none of your business" . When ever he comes back he will insist on sleeping with me and have intercourse with me, only to disappear again the next day. He sees his children, they dont come to the house, he goes to his ex wife' s house where they all have this " family"  get together. The ex wife' s house is 8km from our house. He will then after the visit not come home. I assume that he sleeps at his ex' s house or with her, who knows. His disappearing acts are becoming more frequent, he is very spiteful, if i try to play his own game in being arrogant and spitefull he hurts me, like for instance he would leave the gates open so my dogs can get out. My dogs are my children. He would also damage my furniture etc. The thing is that this man is killing me mentally. 2 month ago my dr prescribed CILIFT, i dont feel that its doing anything for me. i have physical pain, i do not sleep properly, i have a tremendous stressfull work. Now my problem. I dont have a contract with him for the lease of the house, i do not have money at the moment to move. he knows this and it does not bother him in the least bit that he is driving me to suicide. Please give me a few survival tips. I am sitting in the lounge every night of my life, wondering if he' s coming home tonight, wondering if he' s gonna be home the weekend. I cannot do this anymore, i cannot move at the moment, what do i do, please help me......

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This doesn't sound like much of a relationship, and the ugly way he treats you is far too much to pay in rent for ANY house. He is abusive, and is exploiting you vulnerability. Call an agency like POWA which helps abused women, and investigate safe ways to escape from this unpleasant situation. Why are you worrying about whether he's all right when he goes out ? He's of no use to you, only a misery when he returns. Plan a safe escape.
If you are paying ANYTHING as rent, you have that available to stay somewhere else, and maybe family or friends can provide a safe house in the meantime. Don't give up without trying hard --- ASK around for advice and help and support. Isn't there someone you work with who might be prepared to share a home with you till you can aford your own place ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Lila | 2009-09-18

You guys wont believe what happened last night. He actually got home and asked me if i dont have a friend which will join us in a threesome?????

Reply to Lila
Posted by: almost mad | 2009-09-18

This is terrible. The situation is so out of hand. You have to get out, but while you making a plan to leave maybe read some inspirational books and perhaps the answers may come to you and you will find strength to leave.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Woman | 2009-09-17

Your work will help you. Go to the HR department and speak to your HR lady. Tell her about the situation as you did here. They need to know this anyway, because I bet your work performance isn' t up to scratch. They notice these things. Your work will certainly make you a loan for a deposit,rent and moving cost They can take it back from your salary over a few months.s. Advertise for a housemate to share costs.

This man is treating you like this because you are allowing it to continue, but you feel trapped and powerless. He is stealing your strength and your power from you. The bastard! Who is he that he has the power to take yourself from you? Nobody has that right!

Use whatever emotion you need to to get out of the situation. Anger would be a good one now. Aren' t you furious?? You are NOT the person he makes you out to be!He doesn' t have a contract with you, so you can go this weekend. and why not? you owe his nothing!

Do it now, go speak to your HR department, arrange to go look at some places today, and book a removal company. That' s all you have to do! Ask any big men you know to help. They will help you. Let them be there to " help with the move"  They will protect you against him. Also go to the police, lay a statement so that he is on the books. That will make it easier for you to get an interdict against him if need be.

And then after that, you can start rebuilding yourself with pride, because you had the guts to do something that is impossibly scary right now. YOU LEFT!!

Good luck, My thoughts are with you.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Anon | 2009-09-17

Leave and don' t look back

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Really | 2009-09-16

It' s always a challenge when you are caught up and stuck in a situation where your family is not around and you need them the most.

You say you have married friends, don' t they have siblings, who have friends and friends who have siblings. Don' t just assume they can' t help if you have not tried. Ask them! Are you working? Is there anyone at your office that you can trust to tell you are looking for a place to stay? You don' t have to tell them why you are looking for a place to stay, you can just tell them that your lease is almost up, but only if you feel the need to tell them!

You will be so suprised at how much people can help you, but only if you ask!

All the Best

Reply to Really
Posted by: Lila | 2009-09-16

My family is overseas, there is really no one i can ask for support. I have a few friends, but they are all married with children.

Reply to Lila
Posted by: Really | 2009-09-16

You need to move out. You are supposed to be renting sounds as though you are still paying for your stay there, so like Gogga says, ask a family member, a friend and even someone out there who is looking for someone to share with, if you are paying for your rent, sure you could manage to share some where else!

Buy the paper and look under Accomodation to share, you can even pay the deposit bit by bit, make an arrangement and in future, avoid this getting into a relationship, especially with the landlords, it' s never a good idea, either they abuse their power or do not keep to their lease terms and conditions.

Forget this dude and what he is doing when he is not with you and focus on getting out and staying out.

You will need to go for counciling to assist you deal with what sounds like, depression or and even truama.

Good Luck

Reply to Really
Posted by: gogga | 2009-09-16

what about a family member a good friend to stay there for a while just to get away from the situation then work out a plan to get your money and move ready..

Reply to gogga

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