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Question
Posted by: Anon for this | 2010/11/11

How do i move on

My husband is caring and loving but have a tendency of bottling things up or just not wanting to address issues that concerns us.

For the past weeks our sex life deteriorated and at the time my sex drive was so high, I address the issue with him - trying to establish if maybe he is stressed or any other reason I might not be aware of.

I was very sensitive and polite when I brought up the issue he just ignored me and he was very upset.

Later on that day he just burst and told me he is not stressed or anything the problem is me, I am lazy in bed and obese, and don’  t I know that all fat people stink?

I was so deeply hurt and bruised I am aware that I have not been very active in bed but stinking? Well I decided I was going to change my lifestyle and start to eat healthy and exercise, but it is more about staying healthy , losing weight it is just a bonus for me.

Since the incident our sex life has gone back to normal but I am not enjoying it as I cannot get over the ugly words he said to me though I love him very much.

He has not apologised but does things to show remorse and love but I am still hurt I honestly. I do not know how to move on and forget about the whole thing. For ten years he has never complained about my weight how do I heal inside?

Thank you so much for your time and I apologise for the long post.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sometimes people really want to avoid dealing with issues ; sometimes we differ in the style we prefer to use in dealing with issues.

All people, maybe especially men, are sensitive to even mildly implied criticism of their sexual performance.

And maybe he had indeed had some concerns about your weight gain or other aspects of your side of the act, which he had not worked out a way of raising, until he blurted it out in an ugly way when stung by even your gently phrased concern.

You seem to have wisely dealt with the suggestion by working on improving your health, and have been rewarded by the related return to the p[revious quality of sexual relations - except that you are still remembering the hurt from his clumsy remark.

My comment about "different styles" may be illustrated by your observation that while he hasn't explicitly apologised in so many words, he has shown regret and contrition in other ways.

Maybe marriage counselling would be a wise option to explore, as there are probably a few other aspects of the relationship which could do with brushing up, as well as dealing with this issue of the hurt he caused.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lizard | 2010/11/11

actions speak louder than words, some people say sorry every five minutes but dont mean it,

Reply to lizard
Posted by: Lee | 2010/11/11

Thank you all for your kind words and advise

Me..It is very hard to be intimate with him after evrything he said but i desparetely want to forget this and move on.One thing i know about my husband is he can never apologize i guesse that has to do with his upbringing.He does little things even go an extra mile to show me that he is commited and sorry but i want to hear the words.

I will try to talk to him when he is at the right space.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Me | 2010/11/11

I am really hurting for you. I can''t for the life of me understand why a man who claims to love his wife would be so hurtful and insulting. I am sure that you are a beautiful person, despite your weight. I am surprised that your lovelife has gone back to normal, because I can''t imagine wanting to be intimate with someone who was so disrespectful and hurtful, and who has not even offered an apology or an explanation for his hurtful words.

Why don''t you make a point of finding the right time to address this matter with him, and get him to understand just how hurt you are. Maybe your behavior towards him is not showing just how hurt you are, and he therefore sees no need to apologise? Maybe this way, he will then be more prepared to be honest with you about the real reason. I agree with Happiness that the chances are your weight was not the real reason all along, and that he''s just not man enought to actually tell you the real reason, but that''s no excuse for the emotional/verbal abuse.

Get to the bottom of the real problem and then work through that.

Good luck and I hope you find the inner strenght to get you through this hurt.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/11/11

I wouldn''t know why he mentioned your weight of all things, but I suspect it had nothing to do with your weight as such. Maybe it was the only excuse he could come up with.

But either way you need to tell him that his words were hurtful. Its the only way to find healing. Carrying it inside will destroy you slowly.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/11

Sometimes people really want to avoid dealing with issues ; sometimes we differ in the style we prefer to use in dealing with issues.

All people, maybe especially men, are sensitive to even mildly implied criticism of their sexual performance.

And maybe he had indeed had some concerns about your weight gain or other aspects of your side of the act, which he had not worked out a way of raising, until he blurted it out in an ugly way when stung by even your gently phrased concern.

You seem to have wisely dealt with the suggestion by working on improving your health, and have been rewarded by the related return to the p[revious quality of sexual relations - except that you are still remembering the hurt from his clumsy remark.

My comment about "different styles" may be illustrated by your observation that while he hasn't explicitly apologised in so many words, he has shown regret and contrition in other ways.

Maybe marriage counselling would be a wise option to explore, as there are probably a few other aspects of the relationship which could do with brushing up, as well as dealing with this issue of the hurt he caused.

Reply to cybershrink

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