Posted by: nellie | 2011-06-30

how do I help brother

brother got married 3 years ago and to me he has a happy marriage but i think he wants to expect the impossible from wife. im tsonga and in our culture we love kids. my brother married a tsonga wife and she expects her to bore 5 to 6 children to for him and i think he is being unreasonable. currently the couple has 1 child and the child is 3yrs.

i tried to reason with my brother that he should not stress but he insist that the wife must have 4 more kids because he got married based on the fact that the wife will bore 5 kids and now the wife is not interested to have more kids.

he says that in the olden days our granny had 9 kids and does not understand why cant his wife do the same. and i explained to him that things have changed now. he is working as an senior bookkeeper and the wife is a programmer. they are both in their early 30''s.

now he says this frustrate him and he will go out there and get a girlfriend and then he will have 4 more kids with her. this is so bad and i warned him that now he is going to ruin his marriage.

how do i advice him further or do refer him to my mother?
i suggested counselling but he is not interested.

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Our expert says:
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Some people do indeed, expect unrealistically impossible things from others. Healthy cultural traditions guide us, without forcing us to ignore all other factors. And healthy cultures evolve and adapt to circumstances. Maybe traditionally the Tsonga loved kids - and they probably tended to have many kids ( just as happened in most of Europe ) because in the old days infant mortality was high, and to have 1 or 2 children grow to be adults, you needed to have many more babies. In those days safe and effective contraception wasn't available, so continuing a sex life without having more children was difficult or impossible. Surely in most people of the world, the genuine tradition was to have whatever children you wanted and could afford to raise well and love - and to raise the kids you had. Surely Tonga tradition doesn't specify that 2 kids is a dreadful thing, but 5 is perfect ?
Is he not using excuses of cultural tradition to try to enforce what he personally wants ?
Is he so insecure and uncertain of his manhood, that he feels he must force some women or other to bear 5 children to prove it for him ?
Have you discussed this with your mother, indeed parents ? Maybe she can tyalk some sense into him, especially into his distortion of the cultural traditions to fit his own selfish wishes ?
Does he want exactly 5 children, even if he can't support them properly and they live miserable lives because of his obsession ? Has he never heard of the value of quality rather than quantity ? Only a fool thinks more of any man just because he has fathered more children. Any fool can father numerous children ; only a real man can know what is enough and would prefer to raise fewer kids really well, and with love rather than arrogance.
The more men that stick to his old-fashioned and selfish views, the more difficult it will be to raise the standard of living of our over-populated country

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anti-breeding | 2011-07-01

Overpopulation is the biggest problem on the planet and is the root cause of our environmental and societal problems.

He should rather focus on doing something positive for the planet instead - it will surely be more rewarding than having more children just because he can.

Give other species a chance!

Reply to Anti-breeding
Posted by: Jacqui from Melville | 2011-07-01

Perhaps you can explain to him that the less children he has, the better life he can offer for his children. How is he going to support 5 children at university? Do the maths for him. How is he going to support 5 children at school? Feeding them, school fees, sports fees, other activities fees, medical fees, clothing fees? etc etc. Does he not want to have less children and offer them the best for their lives? Otherwise call in your mother :)

Reply to Jacqui from Melville

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