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Question
Posted by: Lostboy | 2011/06/23

How do I help?

Hi.. My perants have been split for 5 years but not divorced my dad cheated and moved out, he is still very much in out lives intact he lives around the corner.. Me and him don''t see eye to eye at all and me and his mistress well some crazy stuff went down and she attacked me and ja shes a real cow... And they accuse me of being the problem for a long time I wished my dad would just get out of my life well now he is moving 400 km away and now I''m confussed I wanted him gone but now I think how things will be different with him gone I think about all the bug days he''ll miss and how much of our lives he won''t be apart of and I hate to say it but I''m angry that him and his little devious family are gonna move to a nice new house and have so much money and all I think of is it should be me and mom and sister moving with him. My sister is really close to my dad and taking it rather bad, I''ve been trying to talk to her about it but she just starts crying... How do I help myself and her? Oh I am the one who put up 888 if u want more info

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A wise man once said that there are 2 tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want. The other is getting what you want.
Actually, the felings you describe are more common than most people recognize, and we'd probably call the Ambivalence. We do and don't want some things to happen, because there are reasons in favour of each option.
Its sad that adults ( not always behaving with the maturity we'd expect from them ) so often create situations that are so miserable for others, especially for children / youngsters, for basically selfish reasons. We don't know what your dad is thinking of in making this latest decision. Maybe he tried to make things work better while living closer, and has now decided that this didnt work, and wants to try to make a fresh start. Maybe he doesn't fully realize how much his decisions and actions have hurt you and your sister, and, of course, your mom.
Don't take the responsibility for trying to sort it all out onto your own shoulders - that's his responsibility, and maybe your mom's. Your task now is to get yourself as well as possible and work through your current problems so as to (a) not be a worry for your mom, and (b) then maybe be more available to be helpful if the adults try to sort things out better. I certainly understand that you'd want to support your sister. And in such situations though we;d like to magically make everything great again, what is usually most useful is to just be there for her, to be available, for her to talk to when she feels like talking, and just be around silently when she doesn't. Things won't work out as badly as she feels sure they will, but it takes time to see how best they can be worked out.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kasandra | 2011/06/24

Where do you stay? Suburb

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: Lostboy | 2011/06/23

Does anyone know of a good way to find a good psychologist that works in your area?

Reply to Lostboy
Posted by: Kasandra | 2011/06/23

Lostboy I know how you feel. He is your Dad and I am sure he does love you even thou there are a lot of things going on at the moment.

My dad was is a perfectionst and critized me a lot growing up nothing was every good enough and still I act a certain way around him or try to make him proud of me. I know now my dad would never change. His set in his ways. He loves me in his own way.

BUT I could change myself and the way I view things and myself.

Dont try to live up to your Dads standards. What you think of yourself is what matters in the end.

Distance is very good.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

Keep on posting on the forum.

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: Lostboy | 2011/06/23

Thanks Romany . Trust me we have had huge fights where we have made it very clear how we feel.., he seems to have given up on me and says that he won''t stand by and watch me run my life into the ground ... Yeah maybe distance will do good... But the problem is I can''t go visit him because I can''t be around his " mistress"  as it does not do my mental health well at all and I have been told to take her out of my life... So I think I just have to hope for the best and that my dad visits me often .., because even though I won''t admit it I will miss him, he''s my dad.

Reply to Lostboy
Posted by: Romany | 2011/06/23

Hi Lostboy
Sorry to hear about all your stuff going on.

Look, dad is moving on so there is not much you and your sis cab do about that. Mom obviously had a hard time with him because she divorced him.

Let him go, some time distance is a great thing and could even make you guys grow closer in the future. You could go visit and stay over etc. Some time when people are " in each other''s face"  all the time, stuff and fights happen.

Be sure to make peace with your dad before they move. Send him a SMS and ask him to meet you at a restaurant or somewhere and have a good grownup talk with him (without the rest of his family). Stick your pride in your pocket dude and just open up.
Good luck...stay strong

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Lostboy | 2011/06/23

I''m doing ok... Feel relieved exams are finally over and I''m seeing my pdoc tomorrow and hopefully she can send me to a proper therapist because the one I have nOw isn''t so good she just talks about herself.,, thanks u for asking.

Reply to Lostboy
Posted by: Kasandra | 2011/06/23

Hi Lostboy

First of all I am sorry that you and your sister is stuck in such a difficult emotional situation. It can''t be easy.

I think at the moment it would be best of your to focus on yourself, you are trying to carry everyones emotions and who is helping you with yours.

Its probably easier for your dad to blame everyone accept himself cause then he doesnt have to face up to the part he played in all of this.

My advice would be that you focus on yourself FIRST deal with your feelings and then work from there.

Just keep on posting here as Cybershrink really gives great advice as does the other readers.

Is there maybe someone you and your sister can go see to deal with the emotions.

How are you doing today.

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/23

A wise man once said that there are 2 tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want. The other is getting what you want.
Actually, the felings you describe are more common than most people recognize, and we'd probably call the Ambivalence. We do and don't want some things to happen, because there are reasons in favour of each option.
Its sad that adults ( not always behaving with the maturity we'd expect from them ) so often create situations that are so miserable for others, especially for children / youngsters, for basically selfish reasons. We don't know what your dad is thinking of in making this latest decision. Maybe he tried to make things work better while living closer, and has now decided that this didnt work, and wants to try to make a fresh start. Maybe he doesn't fully realize how much his decisions and actions have hurt you and your sister, and, of course, your mom.
Don't take the responsibility for trying to sort it all out onto your own shoulders - that's his responsibility, and maybe your mom's. Your task now is to get yourself as well as possible and work through your current problems so as to (a) not be a worry for your mom, and (b) then maybe be more available to be helpful if the adults try to sort things out better. I certainly understand that you'd want to support your sister. And in such situations though we;d like to magically make everything great again, what is usually most useful is to just be there for her, to be available, for her to talk to when she feels like talking, and just be around silently when she doesn't. Things won't work out as badly as she feels sure they will, but it takes time to see how best they can be worked out.

Reply to cybershrink

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