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Question
Posted by: John | 2011/09/02

How do I have a relationship with a " straight"  woman when I''m bisexual?

Hi!

I''m a 29-year-old man and I am bisexual. When I was younger, I used to feel guilty about this reality but I no longer feel guilty. I feel comfortable with my sexuality. The problem is, nobody else in my immediate social circle seems to be comfortable with it. L''enfer c''est les autres. Also, I desire to be in a long-term relationship with a woman, perhaps even marriage. I am currently single but I am fearful of getting involved in a relationship because I know I would be honest with my partner about my sexuality and based on past eixperience, I might be rejected... I haven''t met a women yet who is comfortable with dating a bisexual. Do you perhaps have any advice on how, in the initial stages of building a relationship, I can help my potential partner to be open-minded and tolerant about my reality and accept me for who I am and thus ultimately love me?

Thanks
(P.S. I personally believe that no human being is fully heterosexual or homosexual - I believe that there is a continuum of human sexuality with two opposite poles of heterosexuality and homosexuality and we all fall somewhere along that continuum.)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If you happen to be bisexual in orientation and tastes, that's not something in itself to feel guilty about. Fine. But to choose to have a relationship with someone without disclosing something so potentially relevant to them and to the future happiness of the relationship, may be something that ought to concern you. So its very reasonable that you both feel that you ought to be frank with a potential future partner ( indeed, one of either sex ) and that you recognize that this might cause problems. Yes, you might be rejected. As might occur if you revealed that you are a secret smoker, or that you hate cats.
Anyone forming a potentially lasting relationship will have concerns about their partner. A routine heterosexual partner might cheat on you with people of the opposite sex, but many are nice people who won't do that because of the way they view their responsibilities within a relaionship, and not because of their sexual orientation. That a bisexual partner might stray with partners of either sex probably doesn't necessarily increase the risk.
You can't really make your potential partner more openminded than they already are, about general and theoretical issues. They may become more open to how they think about you, once they get to know you and find you to be trustworthy, but this takes time.
Even within a heterosexual relaionship, either partner might have unusual or particular sexual tastes, and their partner either finds that acceptable, pleasant, or unpleasant, or unacceptable.
I guess what I'm saying is that you seem to be assuming the issues you raise ( very reasonable ones ) are very specific to bisexuality, rather than as being part of the usual problems of human relationships. The issue is surely whether you choose to be monogamous and honest with your partner. ANY affair, with man, woman or beast, would be painful to your partner.
Welcome to L'enfer !

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Our users say:
Posted by: John | 2011/09/03

Thank you, doc! You will never know how much you have helped me!

Reply to John
Posted by: carin | 2011/09/03

I agree......you can tell her if you want to if it s because you are worried that she might be upset if some of your previous relationships were gay.....but it s about trusting some one that they won t have an afair with another man or woman that makes the difference...Apparently there is quite a few men that think it s ok to be married to a woman and have an afair with other men....it hurts all the same , you can have an affair with the man on the moon and it will still be painfull to your wife....

Reply to carin
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/03

If you happen to be bisexual in orientation and tastes, that's not something in itself to feel guilty about. Fine. But to choose to have a relationship with someone without disclosing something so potentially relevant to them and to the future happiness of the relationship, may be something that ought to concern you. So its very reasonable that you both feel that you ought to be frank with a potential future partner ( indeed, one of either sex ) and that you recognize that this might cause problems. Yes, you might be rejected. As might occur if you revealed that you are a secret smoker, or that you hate cats.
Anyone forming a potentially lasting relationship will have concerns about their partner. A routine heterosexual partner might cheat on you with people of the opposite sex, but many are nice people who won't do that because of the way they view their responsibilities within a relaionship, and not because of their sexual orientation. That a bisexual partner might stray with partners of either sex probably doesn't necessarily increase the risk.
You can't really make your potential partner more openminded than they already are, about general and theoretical issues. They may become more open to how they think about you, once they get to know you and find you to be trustworthy, but this takes time.
Even within a heterosexual relaionship, either partner might have unusual or particular sexual tastes, and their partner either finds that acceptable, pleasant, or unpleasant, or unacceptable.
I guess what I'm saying is that you seem to be assuming the issues you raise ( very reasonable ones ) are very specific to bisexuality, rather than as being part of the usual problems of human relationships. The issue is surely whether you choose to be monogamous and honest with your partner. ANY affair, with man, woman or beast, would be painful to your partner.
Welcome to L'enfer !

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: John | 2011/09/02

Thank you. You have helped to reach an epiphany. And yes, it is a monogamous relationship that I want.

Reply to John
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/02

Is it a monogamous relationship you want, or, are you saying you want a relationship with all its benefits but still want to be free to persue your other side?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Woman | 2011/09/02

Any relationship should be built on trust, honesty and acceptance. If you are honest about who you are from the start, she has the choice to accept you or to end the relationship. Mention it in passing and see what her initial reaction is. Somebody who does not accept you for who you are, can never make you happy. Remember the same goes for you.

That being said, if you make a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship, with whoever you choose, it should never matter whether you are gay/straight or bi, because you are involved with one individual, and they are who should matter. Do not think you can commit to a person, yet carry on affairs on the side. Your sexual identity has nothing to do with your ability to commit to a long term relationship.

Reply to Woman

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