Posted by: desperate | 2009-04-09

How do i get my mom to understand me

I am 34 and I' ve been dating my boyfriend for over 4 yrs now. My mom disapproved of him from day one so I stopped speaking discussing him with her. She assumed we broke up and I never corrected her. My mom is happiest when I just live for my kids and her. My boyfriend has now asked me to marry and I don' t know how to discuss this with my mom. My first wedding she did not even attend beacuse she disapproved. Part of my breakup was due to the fact that I wanted to please my mom before my husband.I don' t want to lose her as we' ve grown close lately. Strange thing is that my mom' s in Psychology but where it comes to her kids she doesn' t understand.
I love my boyfriend, my kids love him and we so much want to be a family... how can I get her to understand that i' m not chosing a man over her. That I love her but I need to make my own decisions. I live on my own and I' m financially ok.... I just always yearned for my mom' s love and approval and now that I have it I don' t want to lose it again. But I really want a life with my boyfriend. How do I do both please?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It's obviously nice, and preferable, that your mom approves and likes your bf, but surely not essential ? You may have indeitifed a major reason for her dislike --- she wants you and your children entirely to herself, and not to share them. And this is the second time she has done this ? You need a calm talk with her, making it clear that your marriage will not lose her contact with you or the children unless she insists on doing it that way. That the wedign will go ahead with or without her, though you'd much prefer her to be a happy and active participant. And tell her exactly what you said in your last paragraph. Mke it clear she will no longer be allowed a power of veto, but has the invitation to be a loved member of your family. It is NOT disrespectful to assert your own rights as an adult --- it IS disrespectful for her to have refused to take not that you are an adult with the right to your own happiness.

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Our users say:
Posted by: desperate | 2009-04-09

thanks for all the advise... I will definately work on it. My mom has promised to buy me a house as long as I stay obediant to her, but I guess that material things are not what me and my kids need. So if it takes an extra few years to own a house, so be it. For now we will continue renting and making the best out of life. My mom is a good person, its just sometimes she wants her own way and she thinks its best

Reply to desperate
Posted by: Sweety | 2009-04-09

When i saw ur title i thought u were like in ur teens or early 20' s. U are old enough to do what makes u happy. Im way younger than u, my mum &  i were very close & when i found the love of my life she made it so damn difficult, on many occasions begged me to break up with my bf. She even told me once she' ll buy me a car only if i leave my bf.The car didnt even make me think twice i didnt take it. Today i am the happiest person alive with a wonderful bf &  i sometimes think to myself how i would have hated myself if i pushed my bf away to please my mum &  he would have ended up with another girl who i would so envy b.coz my bf is a dream come true. Ur mum just wants to treat u like u 12, she is thinking about her own happiness before urs. U didnt mention ur dad so if he is late i am sorry but i think she wants to hold on to u so that she wont be alone but she must realize that she' s not gonna be around forever, if u push ur bf away u will regret it &  if ur mum passes away 2mrw u could hate urself even more b.coz u will have no1 but ur kids. U are not a little girl, she needs to understand that, even mothers can be selfish so decide what u want. If ur bf leaves u, u cant blame any1 but urself, Its time u start thinking about urself &  ur kids.. not ur mum b.coz it seems like she aint doing much thinking about u &  what u want. U cant have ur bread buttered both ways, u need to talk to her &  make her understand, if she doesn' t then tough. Ur kids like ur bf &  they have a right u have a father figure, am i wrong? If ur guy treats u right &  loves ur children as his own &  is willing to have u &  them in his life forever then shouldn' t u do the same since u hardly get good guys like that nowadays. Good luck

Reply to Sweety
Posted by: desperate | 2009-04-09

Thanks Tammi

I guess there is no easy way to do it... I don' t want to hurt her or be disrespectful. She has done so much for me and the kids...

Reply to desperate
Posted by: Tami | 2009-04-09

I can understand how you feel but surely you at the age of 34 should start brushing it off! Without sounding disrepectful she is controlling you and sounds a little jealous if nothing else. Tell her firmly that this is the way you are going to live your life, how she feels is not going to affect you anymore. Tell you she will always be your mom and that you love her but that yoiu would appreciate it if she let you live your life. You need to firm and take a stand. If she doesnt pitch up for this wedding then so what, you have one life to live and one time to be happy, if she cannot respect that then i am afraid you will just have to get used to it. You sound like a lovely person, all the best

Reply to Tami
Posted by: LOL | 2009-04-09

do what my sister does, remind your mom that she is going to be old and grey soon...

Reply to LOL

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